I Know What I Did Wrong There

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, then you’re aware that I like to crack jokes about my (nonexistent) dating life. Some of them probably aren’t that funny, because they’re probably true. The truth is usually never funny when you think about it too hard. So let’s not think about it that hard. Today, in a moment reminiscent of Leonard on the Big Bang Theory comparing his and Penny’s almost-to-be sex life to relationships with their parents, I had a moment that made me go, “I know what I did wrong there.” And it’s true. And it’s also funny.

It was fifty some degrees today, a welcome change in the normal February weather that Pennsylvania brings. This doesn’t seem important to the story, but really, the weather alone is what made the decision for me of leaving the house. I had to get dog food. I either did it today in the nice, warm weather, or I waited until tomorrow when it was freezing again. Lucky for me, I’m not as stupid as I look. Since I was near a Redbox and had a free rental code, I took my soiree over there post picking up dog food. (For which I got two boxes of free treats and two free Beneful Prepared Meals for my dogs.)

Lately, the joke has seemed to pick up that God is really doing me a favor by not letting me date. I have horrible taste in men. I like the men no one wants to see coming out of their daughter’s house in the morning even five years into the relationship, or I just dig guys that are much older than me. It’s fine, because I know this. So does God. That’s why he makes sure I don’t meet men. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. Today seemed to be an exception to that. He had some kind of faith in me today. Sorry to disappoint you again, God.

When I got to Redbox, there was a lady in front of me and a lady looking at the big poster of what movies Redbox had to offer. Suddenly, as if the Bubonic Plague hit, those two cleared out, and a perfectly nice gentleman appeared behind me just as I was about to step up and start looking through what movies they had to offer. I turned to him to ask him if he knew what he wanted, as not to hold him up, because I didn’t have a clue. He didn’t either. We ended up both up at the machine at the same time, going through movies together. It was nice. It was cute. The Heavens opened up and God was smiling. I ruined that one right quick.

Folks, out of all of the movies in the Redbox machine that a twenty-six year old grown woman could have picked, I picked Monte Carlo. While he was watching. Look, I love Selena Gomez. I was looking for a cute, mindless movie to watch. I knew it was predictable. I knew it was targeted at people younger than me. I knew there was a hot guy, older too, without being too old, standing there just waiting to discuss what movie we were going to pick. And I went and got Monte Carlo and ended that conversation. He looked away, like we were strangers that just met and didn’t know each other at all. He took a step back from me. And I just went right on ahead and didn’t really care or notice right away because I was too excited about getting to see Monte Carlo. I didn’t care much once I did notice either.

I know what I did wrong there.

On a totally different note, have you ever been watching a show, saw an actor or actress on it, and thought to yourself, “I know who that person is, but I can’t place them?” Of course you have. We all have. Then, predictably, you are too lazy to look up who that person is on IMDB while you’re thinking of it, and then when the show is over and you’re done with your day, you totally forget that you wanted to do it and you never end up finding out who the person is unless fate lovingly comes along and jumps up and down in front of you and yells really loudly? Fate liked me today, and I didn’t disappoint fate. Yet.

At one point, about two years ago, I was watching an episode of one of my favorite shows, Criminal Minds, as I had newly found the show and was attempting to catch up on all the seasons. I had a, hey, I know that guy moment, but I never looked it up. In those two years, I’ve moved on to catching up on other shows, like Flashpoint and Veronica Mars. I turned the television on tonight, and that episode of Criminal Minds where I knew the guy and couldn’t place him happened to be on. He was a main character on Veronica Mars. Now I know how I know him. So see, today wasn’t all bad. I managed to not disappoint some higher power. Probably the wrong one, but we’ll take it, right?

The Product of Sickness and Boredom

What happens when you’re still sick and have no idea what in the heck to do with yourself? You cut and dye your own hair and give yourself a totally new look. I know. We all wish I was kidding, but I’m not.

I needed a new look. I liked my old one just fine. It wasn’t that. I was bored as shiznozzle (Whatever that may be.) and felt like the lighter hair color that I had dyed my hair made me look so young. I look young anyway, the hair color wasn’t helping. In my defense, the reason I had dyed it in the first place was to take it back to my original color from the grown out red, because I totally had the whole hombre hair coloring going on and I was ready to move on. Said color ended up coming out way lighter than it looked on the box, so enter the hair color Aunt Bev got me for Christmas to try to dye it back to my natural color once it grew it.

It grew out. It and all my grays I’m getting at twenty-six. Awesome. However, I have been told that I’m lucky I’m graying so late in this family. Yay.

I went in the bathroom to trim my hair. No one likes split ends…or being poor. Unfortunately, both applies to me, so I had one option, which was to trim my own hair. It’s not the first time I’ve done it, so I thought I’d give myself more layers and a more piece-y do. I saw a cut I liked, and I went for it. I was so excited with it that I decided to dye it right then at that moment instead of the next day.

So now I’m back to my normal hair color, with a new haircut. The good news is, I apparently didn’t cut it like a squirrel Muppet from outer space. I was at the chiropractor today, and she told me my hair looked really cute, plus asked me where I got it done. She’s not obligated to tell me this, because we’re friends and I’ve known her forever and a Christmas. She doesn’t tell me anything to amuse me anymore. I told her I cut it and she told me I should cut it all the time. No, thank you, but I’m glad she thought it was cute.

Because Aunt Bev reads this blog, I thought I’d share my new look with you all. Maybe I should be a hair dresser? One day? When I’m not sick anymore. Is that ever going to happen?


Sophie: Proudly Going Where Every Other Cat Has Gone Before

This is Sophie. Sophie is sleeping on the couch. For most cats, this would not be a big deal. For Sophie, this falls into the same category as Sheldon Cooper suddenly becoming less annoying to his friends, roommate and coworkers. Do you all see what a huge ordeal this is?

Sophie is a strange cat. This is an understatement.

We’ve had her for eight years of her eight and a half years of life. It took her six years to come into the living room. The dining room? Sure. The kitchen? Absolutely. The cat room? She was all over that. The living room? No way. She wouldn’t even so much as peer in. If we would pick her up and bring her in, she’d run back out without a second thought. Then, one day, she wandered into the living room, laid down on the floor, and that was the end of her fear of the living room.

But she still feared another thing, the living room furniture. She’s spent the past two years staying far, far away from the living room furniture, and sat only on the floor and dog bed. As you can see, she’s a highly confused cat. So when I was halfway through an episode of Flashpoint and looked over and saw the above, I had to take a picture, because simply no one would believe me that Sophie finally sat on the couch. Not only sat, but was comfortable enough to take a snooze.

At first I thought it was adorable. Little Sophie was all cuddled up on the couch. Aww! Then I realized that this was absolutely, without a doubt, the most terrifying thing to happen in the eight years we’ve had her.

You see, Sophie is a starer. She stares at you over everything. She comes in at all hours of the day, sits down on the floor, and looks up at you, never blinking or breaking her stare. She can do this for a half an hour at a time, making her success of breaking her fear of the living room become a short lived victory from a human point of view. You’re trying to do something, but you begin to feel oddly panicky because you’re being watched. Your every move, your every word, Sophie is there to pick up on it. Sitting on the couch just gave her a whole new angle to stare at us from. Can you hear the horror movie music swell? I can.

Dear Sinus Infection, I’m Boring. Skedaddle

Hey guys. Yeah, I’m still sick. I know that sounds like a punchline to a joke, but it’s not. I have the sinus infection that refuses to go away. I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded, and I may have cried a few times, but it’s just not having it at all. But that’s okay, it can’t hang around forever. Eventually it will get bored with me and leave. I’m surprised it hasn’t already. Let’s just talk about the productive things I’ve done this month.

Okay, and now that we’ve talked about that…

Seriously, I’ve been so sick I’ve done nothing productive this month or last month. I can’t imagine whatsoever how this sinus infection isn’t bored out of my skull with me.

Since this started on January first, I have done the following:

Slept a lot. That one pretty much explains itself.

Our washer broke, so I had to go to my aunt’s to do laundry, and while I was there I obviously couldn’t sleep, but I wanted to sleep, so that wasn’t very exciting.

And when all of that excitement ended promptly and I was really left with nothing to do but sleep some more, I used my waking hours to catch up on all four seasons of Flashpoint and all three of Veronica Mars, links included for your enjoyment or boredom ass biting. To be fair, I’m not quite done with Veronica yet, therefore, let’s talk like girlfriends about these shows, because, let’s face it, I have nothing else to do. And if you’re a guy, I wish I could say I apologize for calling you a girlfriend, but I don’t, because I’m still going to write this like you’re my best girlfriend.

Since I’m a fan of being fair to all animate and inanimate objects, as well as things that aren’t even objects, let’s talk about Flashpoint first, since it comes first alphabetically. I never watched this show, my mom always did. In fact, I had no interest in watching another procedural drama. And then one night at midnight as I was attempting, and failing, at coughing up a lung and couldn’t sleep, I happened to catch the rear end of an episode. After catching the last ten minutes and one particularly strange scene about ten minutes in, that led me to one question and one question only. What is wrong with Spike?

I admit now, maybe that was unfair. In my defense, I guess you had to see the pieces of the episode I saw. I thought he wasn’t okey-dokey in the head, and I couldn’t understand how he was on a strategic response team, which made me go back and watch the whole episode with still no answer. Two other people got involved, both which insisted there was nothing wrong with him, and then I just had to watch the whole show from the beginning, because from the episode I saw, it really didn’t look that way.

Turns out, he is okey-dokey in the head and really just had a bad life. That episode was his life laughing at him and him not having a good day with all of that. So in retrospect, shame on me. To be fair, now I find him pretty good to look at AND I love his character. I know the guy who plays him is thirty-nine. Don’t look at me like that. He’s still good to look at.

Now that I’ve embarrassed myself publicly (Not like this is something new.), I know you all probably don’t know this about me, but for the past five years that I’ve had all three seasons of Veronica Mars, it’s been my goal to watch them all in succession. I have lofty goals, I know. The problem was, I kept forgetting. But, as it turns out, Flashpoint was swell at reminding me of that, too, because the same guy who plays Greg, the lead character in Flashpoint, also plays her dad in Veronica Mars. See how Flashpoint helped me out there in the reminder department?

Let me just start by saying, I love her dad. Love her dad. As a girl with no father who was the same age as Veronica was when the show was on, I was totally jealous of how awesome he was. As a girl who is now the age Veronica would be and still has no father, I am still totally jealous of how awesome he is. I can not say this enough: Coolest dad ever! If they don’t bring him back for the purposed movie, I’m not watching. Let me just throw that out there now, and probably make a liar out of myself when I can’t resist and, three years later, end up caving when it makes it to TV.

Veronica is also awesome. Undeniable. I like to think I’m the real world version of a mix between Melinda Gordon and Veronica Mars. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right, this is totally why I can’t get a date. But Veronica kind of kicks ass, unless it’s your business she’s in, or you friend her…and what not. Still, I love watching her, here, from the comfort of my own home.

Also, I know I’m only on season 2, but why is it not as awesome as season 1? Season 1 was so perfect, so calculated, that although the show continues to rock the socks right off of me, I just don’t think another season will top it. Thoughts?

If all of the above non-productive things haven’t been enough to chase off my sinus infection, I’ve also watched this video 293742924 times¬† (Number not approximated.) just to see the scene with the water cooler guy, because it brings the lols. I’ve also recently fallen in love with this video, and by recently, I mean yesterday, when it came out. (No, I don’t totally love Taylor’s music. Why do you ask?) Of course, yesterday, I also wondered if Asian Otters spoke English. I’d like to think it’s the medication. If it’s not, I’m totally screwed, but thoughts like that, ones that no sane, normal person would think without medication (Totally not saying I’m sane or normal, but I’m sane and normal enough to know otters don’t speak any language but, well, otter.), have been running rampant while on my medication and are why I’ve mostly avoided the internet. No one needs to hear me rant about English speaking otters while on medication. No one.

All in all, though, after reading this post, assuming you haven’t fallen asleep by now, would you really want to hang out with me? Would you really want to sleep and watch reruns of television shows and the same Taylor Swift video a zillion times? Would you? No? Then why won’t this sinus infection get bored with me and leave me alone already? Cookies to anyone who can answer this, because I don’t have a clue.

Greetings From Sick Land, Where It’s Habitually Unfun

I know it seems as if I’ve up and abandoned this blog as if it were a town overrun by monkeys trying to pull my pants down (You’ll have to excuse me, I’ve just spent the last two years watching Travel Channel bloopers. My favorites at the end of this post.), but, in truth, I’m still sick. Yeah guys, no kidding. I’m on my third 10-day round of antibiotics for a sinuses that are apparently no longer infected, but still largely inflamed to the bewilderment of my now bungling doctors. I confuse everyone up in here. So until I’m better, this is going to be kind of a half assed post. I’m sorry, but I just can’t full ass it yet.

So, Ladies, let’s just pretend that it’s not my funky medication talking and that this isn’t at all random, and let’s talk makeup. I have a tutorial waiting in the wings for someone to upload and yell, “BE A STAR!” That someone is me.

I know with being sick and all that I haven’t really gotten to talk about Christmas and makeup and such too much, so let’s talk a little about that now, minus the makeup tutorial. If you watched my original tutorial, you’d know that I was in desperate need of makeup, so for Christmas Aunt Bev took me makeup shopping. I was in need of EVERYTHING and found a kit at Wal-Mart for $15. It had six different eye shadow kits, each with six different colored eye shadows, a sparkly eye highlighter, a blush, and a lip gloss in it. Also inside was a professional pocket makeup mirror, four lipsticks, four nail polishes, four eyeliners and two foundations. The kit was distributed by Markwins International. I was skeptical about getting the kit with the price and the fact that I had never used that brand of makeup before, but since I needed a little of everything, it was the perfect kit for me, and for the price I decided to give it a try.

You guys, this stuff is awesome, and I’m not a paid reviewer. I don’t even play one on TV. I was really surprised with the quality of it, especially the eyeshadow. It looks expensive and professional. It has that hint of iridescence which makes it gorgeous and also makes it look like a wet eyeshadow, though it’s a dry one. It’s blends so very easily. It doesn’t take going back over it five times to get it to do so, and it doesn’t take but one good swipe on your makeup brush to get each color to cover. To show you how demure and flawless this is, I did my makeup today in bright blues, one of the hardest colors to put on, because it’s so bright and so easy to mess up. That being said, let’s pay more attention to the left eye than the right (Based on looking directly at the picture.), because the right eye was the poor victim of one good sneeze, so it’s a little smeared in the corner.¬†Gesundheit. And yes, those are my actual eyelashes. They’re just super long. I can’t put on false eyelashes to save my life, mostly because I’ve never tried, so please don’t ask me how to do it.

Look how luminous!

Here’s the overall view. I know it’s super bright, and I normally don’t do bright blue eyeshadow, but for the sake of the blog, it’s totally worth it. Also, I don’t have any lipstick on in this picture to show off their awesome lipstick. Sorry, all. I didn’t have your backs there.

Last but not least, let’s talk hilarious Travel Channel bloopers, yeah? This is what happens when I’m sick. I watch television, because I don’t know what else to do with myself. But really, who needs to watch two hours of Travel channel bloopers? Me, that’s who. It’s okay, though, folks. In the past month I’ve managed to watch four seasons of Flashpoint and start into Veronica Mars. (Does anyone else just think she has the coolest dad ever or is that just me?) Anywho, beyond the point, so I digress.

This first video is not suitable for work or children, really. It is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Two monkeys pull some guy’s pants down. No, seriously. I have absolutely no way of making this up.

Here’s the Travel Channel website’s videos. If you flip through, you will find a ton of bloopers. Knock yourselves out. Not literally. If you do that, you will probably end up with a concussion at best and in the hospital at worse. Don’t do that.