Crepuscular Staplers

It’s almost two in the morning. I’ve been exhausted for hours, and cranky, and I actually fell asleep sitting up a hot second ago. I should be going to bed, but instead I realize I have a story for tell all of you. I probably shouldn’t be telling the story on here, but if the other person this involves happens to see it, well, he can just laugh about it later. (Please laugh about it later?)

Never try to have a serious conversation with someone while you’re medicated and sick.

In case you didn’t get that, let me repeat that in all caps: NEVER TRY TO HAVE A SERIOUS CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE WHILE YOU’RE MEDICATED AND SICK. Better yet, don’t talk to them at all. It’s the best advice you’re ever going to get from someone who is half asleep.

I’m still really upset about this incident and have to deal with the person it involved in person in two days and am mortified, but let me just share this story as a cautionary tale to you all, because if you’re not me or the other person involved, this is actually really funny.

The Thursday before last, a friend of mine who I hadn’t talked to in a couple of weeks and who is away for the summer texted me. The whole situation is a little bit of what I can’t talk about right now, but the text in general threw me off. Either way, he and I talked for awhile. Things were good. Then he mentioned another girl (Who is just a friend.) and I literally went batshit crazy. I became a mix between every really crazy, obsessive, bitchy mean girl in every movie ever. Or, you know, Sandra Bullock in All About Steve. It was that bad. There’s no other words for it. I went batshit crazy on the poor kid, and he didn’t even do anything. This is the part where, if I were thirteen, I would have put periods between every one of the words in the last sentence for emphasis.

For those of you that know me, it takes a lot to make me go batshit crazy. In fact, it’s not something I can do on my own, I assure you. I obviously like this friend as more than a friend. My normal, non medicated response to this would have normally been to just keep talking, because there was no reason to flip out. But no, miss medication over here just flipped the Hell out, threatened to not be friends with him anymore, canceled all my plans with him, and then went on and on about my feelings. It was really bad, you guys. And the only reason I know even half of what I said is because I apparently bitched to another friend about the situation and she caught me up on my night the next day. I was so medicated that I still don’t know most of what I said to the poor, unfortunate kid that got caught in the cross fire. And then, the next day, he was nice enough to calmly text me back about the whole ordeal and then still want to get together with me. He even told me I wasn’t a pain in the ass. I totally was, you guys. He really is just that nice.

Let me just tell you all about the events leading up to this little flip out where, at one point, you guys, I think I actually told him I wanted to be more than friends and wouldn’t just be friends with him. I’ve known him for three months. I met him once, because he’s been away for the summer. Yeah, it was THAT bad. It was so bad. So bad. And not at all how I felt or anything I would normally say. (I’m sorry, Friend I Did This To. I didn’t mean most of it, but I do like you. I’m just not that insane about it. And yes, I will be embarrassed about it for a really long time, but good news, I can’t embarrass myself in front of you any more than I already have so, you know, bright side.)

As you all know, both a snake and a tick thought I tasted delicious. I was on an antibiotic for the Lyme (Which is not gone!) and the snake bite. The first time I took this antibiotic for an unrelated issue at the beginning of the year I found that I thought it completely normal to casually toss my keys in the freezer and get them out the next day. In other words, the medication made me crazy. So I’m already taking one medication that makes me crazy. On top of that, I was allergic to the snake bite, so I was taking allergy medication, which will also mess you up. Then, I started having a nerve issue in my back, so I was taking a painkiller, muscle relaxer, and an anti-imflammatory just to sleep. The first of those three will also mess you up on their own. So to say I was overly medicated would be an understatement, which I tried to tell him, but I don’t think he quite understand how overly medicated I was and how four of the five medications I was on could mess me up all on their own, forget mixing them together.

To add to that, I used to have seizures way back in the day. I haven’t had them for over a year now. I started having them again just four days before he texted me. Then, three days before he texted me I had started throwing up and hadn’t stopped. So now only was I overly medicated, I was having seizures and hadn’t kept food down for three days straight. I was so batshit crazy that my batshit crazy was batshit crazy. It was a bad situation, you guys. So this is just leading into a huge warning that’s probably obvious, but not really. Don’t talk to anyone when you’re that messed up. Even if you think you’re not, you are. I thought I was fine, and then I just flipped the freak out on this poor kid. Don’t do that to people. It’s not worth the embarrassment. I can never look him in the eye again, or his way at all, really. Should be an awkward Monday.

P.S. – If you’re wondering what the title of this blog means, it’s what autocorrect thinks it should change “creepy stalkers” to. Apparently lightning bugs have staplers now. Did you know? I didn’t.

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