“He said ‘Look at you, worrying too much about things you can’t change.'”

I believe in doing love fair and good and right. Karma comes around and you give out what you get back. Being in love is about being good and kind to someone, even when you just want to yell at them, and taking time to let things ride, and stepping up when you need to, and not because you want to, but because it’s the right thing to do. Guys have the ability to say some really hurtful things to you when they’re scared, and you will, undoubtedly, say something just as pathetic and hard hitting back just to have the last word. Love isn’t about being the one who hits the hardest in a one-two knock out punch. It’s about being the one who steps up and says I’m sorry first, even if you didn’t start it, just because you care about the person enough that you know it’s not worth sitting there and stewing about, or letting the other person stew about the issue, because in the end it’s senseless. If you really, truly love somebody, you will step up and not think about if you should be the one who has to or not, because you know it doesn’t even matter.

I’ve never been the kind of girl to mess much with love. I am demi-sexual. I have no sexual attraction to anyone until I fall in love, and the only way I can fall in love is to fall completely for the person for who they are, no veils or masks or games and preludes. It takes me years to fall in love, from my personal experience, and love hasn’t been much of something I believed in. When I fell for The Boy, I fell the moment I met him, and the more I got to know him, well, I just fell harder. I was sure of how I felt, just as I always am, and I told him and was fine with it, because I believe everyone is insecure somewhere in love. If you tell someone you love them, they can never turn around and say they were never loved. So it’s important to tell them, even when they’re not ready to love you back, because everyone moves at their own pace. I thought it wasn’t okay to love him that fast, but sometimes you do just know, and you shouldn’t feel bad or apologize for it when it’s how you feel. Everyone should feel love, and everyone should know they’re loved.

And, if we’re being fair, I’ve been pretty ruthless with feelings over the last few years. Getting sick caused a breakdown in everything inside of me. It made me build up thousands of walls just so I didn’t have to react to anything. People came and people went and I never once cared. I was like a stone, a cold, hard, uncaring place to land. The Boy woke me up again. He reminded me I could feel and that it was okay to. He brought me back to life. He made me grateful for him, a feeling that still carries over in every word and day of my life. He did something for me I couldn’t do for myself. He was the best thing that could have happened to me. I will always credit him to that.

I personally know most of you reading this blog, and I think you all know the story of Friend, but if not I shall do a short recap. Years ago, I fell in love with a friend of mine after years of him being by my side. It scared me to death, what I was feeling, because no one had ever been kind or sweet or good to me, and it made me run. I prayed that it wouldn’t come back to me one day, and that fear kept me from dating for years and years. Then I did date, and you know what, it did come back to me. But ultimately, he didn’t do it on purpose. He didn’t mean to hurt me either. I believe it came back not because I had been there and deserved it, but because I know how he feels and I can help him through it and give him what he needs to understand what happened, all which were things I didn’t have.

So many things go through your head during a break up. A lot of words no one means get slung around simply because you want to be the one to win the battle and the war, which is selfish and stupid and not worth anything at all. But making someone else feel shitty over something that isn’t their fault isn’t the way to solve anything. All that will do is make you feel bad about yourself. The hardest thing to do is to step up and realize that you are hurting, but that so is the other person, and although they let you down and broke your heart, they didn’t do it because they wanted to. They did it because it was a gut reaction. I’ve had that gut reaction. I’ve been on the other side of it, so I understand where it comes from and the things you can say and make up and let slip in order to deflect the blame from yourself. And though you did do something, you shouldn’t be blamed, because it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t like you tried. The other person rarely feels that way and will tear you to pieces, and you take it because you feel like you deserve it, but you don’t.

I never felt like I deserved The Boy. The relationship suffered because of it. I couldn’t let go of what I had done to someone years ago, afraid I would do it again. The first person to step up when karma came around was the person I had done it to, Friend. He told me that the whole situation was unfair and not right and that I didn’t deserve to be hurt the way I hurt him, because I hadn’t done it on purpose. And it got me thinking. I had waited for years to hear him say that just so I could open up my heart again in a way that wouldn’t let my relationships suffer and I would feel good enough. Now I feel good enough. Now I know that sometimes things just happen, but you learn from it. I know love means not always getting what you want, but forgiving the other person for not being able to give it to you, because not all people stop giving you what you want just to be facetious. Sometimes they do because they’ve been hurt too. Sometimes they don’t feel like they’re what you need either. Sometimes they don’t feel good enough because of how they’ve been treated in the past. Don’t be a repeat of their past. Be something better for them, because they deserve it, and you owe it to yourself to see it through since this person was once the most special piece of your heart.

The way you know you love someone is when it hurts so bad that even though you have OCD, you suddenly can’t find anything or walk through your house because you’ve been in a daze for weeks over the situation and have just thrown things in every small corner where they will fit. Knowing is also giving it time and realizing that you don’t care why what happened happened, you just care if the other person is okay. It’s more important for you to be there for them, to help them through whatever they are also going through, than it is to mark a battle ground. Sometimes you have to step up where they can’t or they don’t know how to and tell them you forgive them, and you understand they didn’t do anything wrong, and that they need to forgive themselves too. Bridges can be rebuilt, even if you don’t know if you have the strength to rebuilt them, it’s still worth trying, because no one can ever have regrets over trying. Life isn’t always about you, and if you love someone, you see that. You do what you can for them, but you’re careful not to push yourself past the brink of what you can handle, because you still have to be balanced and stay fair to both of you. If you push yourself, you will take it out on them, and they don’t deserve that.

I’ve reached out to The Boy. I wrote him a letter and left it for him with an invitation to my birthday party, something I thought I’d never be able to do, because I thought I’d never be able to accompany the same space as him again and still be able to breathe. I spent many drafts and some time thanking him for being in my life, telling him the situation was out of his hands, forgiving him, apologizing for my actions and part of this that came from a very hurt and heated place directly after the breakup, and inviting him back into my life if he thinks it’s something he could want. If it’s not, I extended the offer to always be here for him. And that’s all I can do. But the most important thing is he knows I forgave him. He knows there’s no hard feelings and that what he did wasn’t his fault, nobody’s mad, and he is worthy of finding someone who should make him happy and be very good to him. He isn’t what he did. He’s worth love and laughter and a lot of good years with someone who can give him that.

I didn’t know I was worth that for years, and then The Boy came along and was good to me and kind and right. He played fair. I played fair. Fear, not so much, and in the end it made us both cheat ourselves when neither of us wanted to, because we cared too much for each other to do so. It’s never too late to play fair, though, and be good and kind and right with your words and actions. People need time after a breakup, and it’s understandable. But after that time has passed, you realize nothing else matters but being kind and right. Sometimes it won’t work out in your favor and it will blow up in your face.

If it does, you can walk away knowing you learned something and knowing you played fair and that it’s okay that the other person can’t let you back in their life. It doesn’t mean they hate you. It doesn’t mean they’ve moved on. It can simply just mean the situation is too hard for them. You should forgive them for that too, even if it hurts. Chances are, they’re being harder on themselves than you could ever be, and forgetting to forgive themselves. If you do it, one day they might allow themselves to do it too. If you love someone, being what is best and right for them even after it all falls apart is the only thing you can do. This person was once the most amazing thing in the world to you, incredible like the starlight in the night sky. They were everything to you. Why does that change when you’re not together anymore? Love doesn’t stop because people go two separate ways, so say it doesn’t. Tell the person how incredible they are, even if it makes you cry just thinking about what you’ve lost because they’re not incredible with you anymore. The next time, that will come back around too.

And if it does work out, then it already did come back around. Just remember, you don’t know what the other person is going through. Love is about not caring and loving them anyway, even when you reach the end of the line. It keeps you open. It teaches you how to be happy. It shows you didn’t let that person down when they may have needed you the most but didn’t know how to say stay.

I have fallen in love with the new Taylor Swift album Red, which documents these times and trials and tribulations of love, and it’s been hitting me everywhere. It’s been like a drug for me, on constant repeat. It’s honest and real. Some of the songs made me ball my eyes out and some of them made me open and feel normal and okay about falling so hard so fast. Here’s some songs to help you, to make you feel something again.

State of Grace – I didn’t like this song at first, and then I listened to it a few more times. Sometimes people come into your lives like freight trains, and a few weeks later you find yourself head over heels, and then it breaks down. But it’s a new start. It brings you to life and wakes you up and changes you in all the right ways.

Treacherous – “I’ll do anything you say if you say it with your hands.” That doesn’t make you less than a good girl when you’re with someone that is everything to you. It’s okay to let that person in. It’s okay to be open and honest. It’s okay to feel like walking away will save you everything, but you stay because you like the feeling of recklessness and you like being that way, overtaken by someone for the first time.

All Too Well – Some of the lyrics in the end of this song are harsh, and no way reflect how I feel about The Boy. I have no harsh words for him ever. What I do connect with is the honesty of this song. Taylor said it started out as a ten minute song, and it took her a year to get it to the form it is now. There’s something magical about connecting to the feeling of a song like this and being able to say, “Yes, I’ve loved like that.”

Drug Dealers and Drag Queens

Oh, guys, do I have some fabulous stories for you. My life has gotten a little off track lately, what with pretending like it wasn’t going to pull all kinds of pranks on me and such, and then tanking on me with my health and moving and stress level. But you know what? It’s over that now. It’s gone straight back to teetering, and then eventually evening out at being completely ridiculous again. I absolutely have to blog about that.

As some of you know, I went through a recent breakup from a very sweet guy and I wasn’t really looking to date. I was at my friends house getting ready to go to a drag show (Yes, the story does get more ridiculous AFTER saying I was getting ready to go to a drag show. Just wait for it.) when the finest looking black man in the history of the world came casually waltzing in the door. He was well dressed, well spoken, and asked me if I had ever dated a brother. He was also the friend of my friend’s cousin, who was also at his house, and I thought, well dang. We talked a little bit and decided we were later going to exchange numbers. Now, I’m not looking to get seriously involved with anyone. Dating a little bit, very casually, wouldn’t be so bad though, right? It might be fun. I was down for this.

You guys, I found out later he was a high class drug dealer. Only me, you guys. Only me. He is still fine, but I’m kind of Little Miss Squeaky Clean Hall Monitor Lady, so I think I’ve got to pass on this one.

No one believes me when I say I attract guys I shouldn’t attract. If the stalker story and this story, both of which happened in the course of a week, weren’t enough for you, let this be a lesson that I do not lie. I mean, I got lucky once with the last guy, who was not strange, mean, stalker like or a drug dealer, so it could happen again, right? Right. It just usually doesn’t. I swear he was a fluke and I’m not meant to end up with a really great guy, and I am destined to end up with crazy.

So after this little foray into why I don’t date, we went to the drag show. Yes, I’m serious. Shush now. It was so fantastic that I don’t even have words. Those queens were way prettier than I am, and I was so insulted and so jealous at the same time that I didn’t even know where to go with that. I have not had that much fun since the last time I had that much fun. Which, let’s be honest, I have a lot of fun a lot of the time, but this was a whole new kind of fun. I am going to every drag show that I can possibly go to, because you can’t have that kind of fun anywhere else. You just can’t. I met the best people there.

At the end of the show, one of the queens was making a joke toward one of our friends about how he was going to pull raffle tickets out of her cleavage. I caught up with him after the show, explained I was friends with his friends, and told him that he could pull the raffle tickets out of my cleavage at the next show. I just thought it was a super funny thing to say. I like funny, obscure, off kilter things. The queen then stuck their hand down my shirt and grabbed my boobies. That was easily the funniest thing that ever happened to me. If a drag queen tries that again, I might actually die of laughter. It made my whole week. It was just so unexpected.

I am in some good company, folks.

Freedom Is Just Another Word For Nothing Left to Lose

I learned a very important lesson this week. You know how last week I was talking about how my life wasn’t laughing at me? Yeah, don’t do that. Now my life is laughing at me. Hysterically. Like, worse than ever.

I’ve held a lot of things back this summer, which isn’t like me. My blog has always been a stronger place, a place to inspire others and hope some girls can take something away from everything I’ve been through so that on a rainy day the sun seems just a little brighter. (That’s so cliche that I might even have to slap myself.) I am notoriously protective of my heart and anything that has to do with matters of it. I am also wildly protective of the people in my life. All of this led to me being marginally mysterious this summer. But now that it’s all said and done I realize that this blog is my place to speak, and as long as I’m not speaking bad about anyone, I have the right to say what I need to say on here. If the people I leave anonymous find this blog and don’t like it, then they can come talk to me about it, but since I’m saying nothing bad or offensive then it’s okay for me to speak my mind and share my story; my words. I’ve been hiding my blog from my friends and the outside world for quite awhile, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling anything. I just never knew that. So I’m going to share how I feel. If it bites me in the ass it will be the second time in a week, so what have I got to lose at this point?

You remember all the stuff I said in the last blog about The Boy that I was seeing? If you don’t, I will cite it again.

Needless to say, he decided to make a move. And though he does hysterical things like get stuck in trees and have us debate if we have to call the fire department to get him down like he’s a kitten, I’ll save the stories for another day. I don’t do relationships, you all know that. I’ve kicked, I’ve screamed, I’ve wondered if I was going to break up with him, I’ve talked out every possible issue one could think of and some that only I could, I’ve had one foot in and one foot out, and I’ve rejected all the cute he tries to make since he is definitely the cute one in this situation and I am definitely the man. But as I’m sitting here typing this, he’s sitting next to me doing some school work (Grad school law student. What’s up? The two year age difference is so scandalous.), so things seem pretty okay for now. And he’s definitely something special and not anything I’ve had before. (How many guys tell you that they know you’re not feeling well and they want you to gain weight because you’re too skinny and it’s unhealthy?) Hopefully we stick it out for awhile and things stay good, because there’s no need to cause issues where there are none.

Well, this just goes to prove that I am blind, deaf and dumb in relationships, because less than a week later he broke up with me. I was – and in some ways still am – completely devastated. To say I was blindsided by this would be the understatement of the century. I didn’t see it coming. I had no clue. I had no inclination whatsoever that he was unhappy. And then he just broke up with me out of nowhere…and spent the night at my house that night. You all know me. You all know I’ve never cried from being hurt by someone, and generally don’t cry. I have never cried so hard in twenty-six years and sitting here writing this is still making me cry. He was that special to me.

I’ve tried harder in the time we were together to make this work than I have tried with anything before. Every single day, every time I talked to him, it was a struggle for me not to up and run. I didn’t know how to act with someone who treated me kindly and made me as happy as he did. More than anything, I wanted this to work out. I met him and I instantly felt like we should give things a try. All I wanted was him. And in the end, he was the one that walked away.

We’ve talked about still trying to make this work. I don’t know what will come out of it. He needs some time, and I know exactly what I want is him. This leaves us in a bad place, because I feel like I deserve someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them, and I just don’t know if that’s him. He had a ton of time for me when we were together, and I even spent a good deal of time helping him with his school work, which I didn’t mind. Now, he’s telling me he doesn’t have time for me for a few weeks. He backed out of a date he begged me to go on without even telling me. I showed up at his house to pick something up, and even though we had talked through text earlier about just going from there, he was in his pajamas and had no plans on going out with me that night. If he would have told me, I wouldn’t have been upset, but he didn’t forewarn me of the cancellation.

So I guess I’m single again. I guess I may be for awhile. I don’t honestly know what will come of this. I don’t know if I can learn to trust The Boy again. I had more trust for him than anyone I’ve ever been with. But when he broke up with me out of nowhere and didn’t talk to me about it or give me a chance to fix anything, he lost that trust. You all know me, getting my trust back is a nearly impossible feat. But he’s managed the impossible with me before. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to give him the chance to do it again. If he went for it now and didn’t give me two weeks to sit on it, I would surely be able to give him that. All this time he’s giving me to think will probably not turn over in his favor. I can only feel rejected and tossed aside and hurt for so long before I get enough guts to just pick up and move on. And I think that’s fair. No one wants to feel like they’re giving someone a chance who isn’t sure, when they’re ready to throw all their chips in on them.

At the end of the day, I’m not mad at him. We’ve had our fights, which is funny since I never fight with anyone. We’ve had our moments. I don’t think less of him and I’m not going to run around slinging words to our friends. I have no interest in doing that. I went into this relationship telling him I wouldn’t be the one who would do that, and I’m going out the same way. I’m a loyal girl to a fault, and I don’t say things I don’t mean. As the song goes, “I stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had, but I still mean every word I say to you.” I just know I have no ability or interest in being friends with him. I will never think of him that way. I will always want more. I will always think of him as more. It’s just such a long way to fall.

If we never see each other again and the tide never turns the way I want it to, then I’m going to take what I had with him and chalk it up to a life experience. I’ll take what I got out of the relationship and carry it with me and move on. Everything was different with him. For the first time in my life I actually felt something real, in a time where I was wondering the most if I could ever feel anything. I felt safe with him. I felt attracted to him. I felt chemistry. I felt some kind of attachment that caused me to allow myself to be close to him instead of pushing him away. Although I thought it was okay to just let myself fall for once, and in falling I got my heart shattered, I’ll know for next time that the feelings are there and ready for when the right person comes along. I don’t know if I’m counting him out as the right person, and his mom has even said we belong together. I agree. If he doesn’t, though, then none of this really matters.

I personally think he got too close to fast and is scared. But ultimately I’m not a psychologist and I don’t know what’s going on in his head, so what I think – none of it matters. And what I feel, that may not matter either anymore. Regardless of how this ends, I wish him only the best and I hope he finds someone that makes him feel loved and wanted and happy, because he deserves that. I’m just sorry if it ends up that I’m not that person.

Full disclosure? I miss him like crazy. It’s awkward, because I don’t usually miss people.

The only thing that’s getting me through this without crying constantly in my bedroom has been the following list of music. Hopefully these songs can help you out too.

Can I Go Now – Jennifer Love Hewitt: Because I was mad and felt trapped, a phase we all go through after a breakup. You just want to yell at someone and wonder why it couldn’t have been you they wanted to make things work with. You have that total moment of screw you. This is that moment of screw you.

Stronger – Jennifer Love Hewitt: Not a lot of people know about this song, but it’s really inspirational. Jennifer wrote it herself, and I appreciate her for that. There’s something to be said for the strength this woman has.

Red – Taylor Swift: This is just how I feel. Why is it that when you start to fall in love you realize that life really is a Taylor Swift song?

Brokenhearted – Karmin: You can’t listen to this song and be sad. You just can’t. I’m obsessed with Karmin.

Your Biggest Mistake – Ellie Goulding: This encompasses everything that a breakup stands for.

Lightweight – Demi Lovato: This was the last song I listened to that reminded me of him before the breakup. I was driving home after a great date night with him two Mondays ago and remember thinking, “This is where I am.”

My Goodbye – Automatic Loveletter: Every time we would fight the lyrics to the chorus of this song would play through my head.

Undiscovered – Ashlee Simpson: This song should be a staple for every girl who really misses someone and something they had and doesn’t know how to deal with it. So basically, every female on the planet.

Lasso – The Band Perry: I think the only thing more awkward than falling in love with a person is falling in love with a song. But I’ll admit that I’m madly in love with this song. The first five lines of this song fit perfectly to what I felt, and nothing could say it better. I’ve listened to them over and over again on an endless loop in the last week. Hands down, those lines will always remind me of this situation. “And I gave Him my best shot.”

On a completely unrelated note, I have my very own stalker. There’s a guy who has been interested in me for several months, but I was interested in The Boy and put him off to see if we could work out. Since things didn’t work out with The Boy, he had asked me out. Initially I told him I didn’t know, but The Boy encouraged me to go out with someone else. Though that upset me, I thought, hey, if he’s encouraging it, going out with someone else might give me some perspective on the situation. I said yes, though I really didn’t want to. I’ve known this guy for awhile and never once did he seem like a creepy stalker. As soon as I said yes, everything changed. He started texting me constantly, and if I don’t answer right away, he continually texts me and asks me where I am and what I am doing. Over and over. All day long. I went to sleep last night and woke up to texts from him asking me if I was still awake and then saying good morning and hello and what not. He just will not let up. And he keeps saying inappropriate things to me about how pretty I am and how he wants to kiss me and what not. Slow down here, buddy. I agreed to one innocent date. I told him the situation I was in and that I wasn’t really ready to date, but was giving him a chance just to hang out where there would be no kissing or hand holding. I was extremely clear, and now he will not leave me alone. Needless to say, he’s not getting a date. He is, however, getting his number blocked, and if he gets worse between now and the time I block his number, he’s also getting a nice little paper written up about him at the police station. Yes, girls, the texts are that bad. They definitely cross the stalker line.