I believe in doing love fair and good and right. Karma comes around and you give out what you get back. Being in love is about being good and kind to someone, even when you just want to yell at them, and taking time to let things ride, and stepping up when you need to, and not because you want to, but because it’s the right thing to do. Guys have the ability to say some really hurtful things to you when they’re scared, and you will, undoubtedly, say something just as pathetic and hard hitting back just to have the last word. Love isn’t about being the one who hits the hardest in a one-two knock out punch. It’s about being the one who steps up and says I’m sorry first, even if you didn’t start it, just because you care about the person enough that you know it’s not worth sitting there and stewing about, or letting the other person stew about the issue, because in the end it’s senseless. If you really, truly love somebody, you will step up and not think about if you should be the one who has to or not, because you know it doesn’t even matter.
I’ve never been the kind of girl to mess much with love. I am demi-sexual. I have no sexual attraction to anyone until I fall in love, and the only way I can fall in love is to fall completely for the person for who they are, no veils or masks or games and preludes. It takes me years to fall in love, from my personal experience, and love hasn’t been much of something I believed in. When I fell for The Boy, I fell the moment I met him, and the more I got to know him, well, I just fell harder. I was sure of how I felt, just as I always am, and I told him and was fine with it, because I believe everyone is insecure somewhere in love. If you tell someone you love them, they can never turn around and say they were never loved. So it’s important to tell them, even when they’re not ready to love you back, because everyone moves at their own pace. I thought it wasn’t okay to love him that fast, but sometimes you do just know, and you shouldn’t feel bad or apologize for it when it’s how you feel. Everyone should feel love, and everyone should know they’re loved.
And, if we’re being fair, I’ve been pretty ruthless with feelings over the last few years. Getting sick caused a breakdown in everything inside of me. It made me build up thousands of walls just so I didn’t have to react to anything. People came and people went and I never once cared. I was like a stone, a cold, hard, uncaring place to land. The Boy woke me up again. He reminded me I could feel and that it was okay to. He brought me back to life. He made me grateful for him, a feeling that still carries over in every word and day of my life. He did something for me I couldn’t do for myself. He was the best thing that could have happened to me. I will always credit him to that.
I personally know most of you reading this blog, and I think you all know the story of Friend, but if not I shall do a short recap. Years ago, I fell in love with a friend of mine after years of him being by my side. It scared me to death, what I was feeling, because no one had ever been kind or sweet or good to me, and it made me run. I prayed that it wouldn’t come back to me one day, and that fear kept me from dating for years and years. Then I did date, and you know what, it did come back to me. But ultimately, he didn’t do it on purpose. He didn’t mean to hurt me either. I believe it came back not because I had been there and deserved it, but because I know how he feels and I can help him through it and give him what he needs to understand what happened, all which were things I didn’t have.
So many things go through your head during a break up. A lot of words no one means get slung around simply because you want to be the one to win the battle and the war, which is selfish and stupid and not worth anything at all. But making someone else feel shitty over something that isn’t their fault isn’t the way to solve anything. All that will do is make you feel bad about yourself. The hardest thing to do is to step up and realize that you are hurting, but that so is the other person, and although they let you down and broke your heart, they didn’t do it because they wanted to. They did it because it was a gut reaction. I’ve had that gut reaction. I’ve been on the other side of it, so I understand where it comes from and the things you can say and make up and let slip in order to deflect the blame from yourself. And though you did do something, you shouldn’t be blamed, because it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t like you tried. The other person rarely feels that way and will tear you to pieces, and you take it because you feel like you deserve it, but you don’t.
I never felt like I deserved The Boy. The relationship suffered because of it. I couldn’t let go of what I had done to someone years ago, afraid I would do it again. The first person to step up when karma came around was the person I had done it to, Friend. He told me that the whole situation was unfair and not right and that I didn’t deserve to be hurt the way I hurt him, because I hadn’t done it on purpose. And it got me thinking. I had waited for years to hear him say that just so I could open up my heart again in a way that wouldn’t let my relationships suffer and I would feel good enough. Now I feel good enough. Now I know that sometimes things just happen, but you learn from it. I know love means not always getting what you want, but forgiving the other person for not being able to give it to you, because not all people stop giving you what you want just to be facetious. Sometimes they do because they’ve been hurt too. Sometimes they don’t feel like they’re what you need either. Sometimes they don’t feel good enough because of how they’ve been treated in the past. Don’t be a repeat of their past. Be something better for them, because they deserve it, and you owe it to yourself to see it through since this person was once the most special piece of your heart.
The way you know you love someone is when it hurts so bad that even though you have OCD, you suddenly can’t find anything or walk through your house because you’ve been in a daze for weeks over the situation and have just thrown things in every small corner where they will fit. Knowing is also giving it time and realizing that you don’t care why what happened happened, you just care if the other person is okay. It’s more important for you to be there for them, to help them through whatever they are also going through, than it is to mark a battle ground. Sometimes you have to step up where they can’t or they don’t know how to and tell them you forgive them, and you understand they didn’t do anything wrong, and that they need to forgive themselves too. Bridges can be rebuilt, even if you don’t know if you have the strength to rebuilt them, it’s still worth trying, because no one can ever have regrets over trying. Life isn’t always about you, and if you love someone, you see that. You do what you can for them, but you’re careful not to push yourself past the brink of what you can handle, because you still have to be balanced and stay fair to both of you. If you push yourself, you will take it out on them, and they don’t deserve that.
I’ve reached out to The Boy. I wrote him a letter and left it for him with an invitation to my birthday party, something I thought I’d never be able to do, because I thought I’d never be able to accompany the same space as him again and still be able to breathe. I spent many drafts and some time thanking him for being in my life, telling him the situation was out of his hands, forgiving him, apologizing for my actions and part of this that came from a very hurt and heated place directly after the breakup, and inviting him back into my life if he thinks it’s something he could want. If it’s not, I extended the offer to always be here for him. And that’s all I can do. But the most important thing is he knows I forgave him. He knows there’s no hard feelings and that what he did wasn’t his fault, nobody’s mad, and he is worthy of finding someone who should make him happy and be very good to him. He isn’t what he did. He’s worth love and laughter and a lot of good years with someone who can give him that.
I didn’t know I was worth that for years, and then The Boy came along and was good to me and kind and right. He played fair. I played fair. Fear, not so much, and in the end it made us both cheat ourselves when neither of us wanted to, because we cared too much for each other to do so. It’s never too late to play fair, though, and be good and kind and right with your words and actions. People need time after a breakup, and it’s understandable. But after that time has passed, you realize nothing else matters but being kind and right. Sometimes it won’t work out in your favor and it will blow up in your face.
If it does, you can walk away knowing you learned something and knowing you played fair and that it’s okay that the other person can’t let you back in their life. It doesn’t mean they hate you. It doesn’t mean they’ve moved on. It can simply just mean the situation is too hard for them. You should forgive them for that too, even if it hurts. Chances are, they’re being harder on themselves than you could ever be, and forgetting to forgive themselves. If you do it, one day they might allow themselves to do it too. If you love someone, being what is best and right for them even after it all falls apart is the only thing you can do. This person was once the most amazing thing in the world to you, incredible like the starlight in the night sky. They were everything to you. Why does that change when you’re not together anymore? Love doesn’t stop because people go two separate ways, so say it doesn’t. Tell the person how incredible they are, even if it makes you cry just thinking about what you’ve lost because they’re not incredible with you anymore. The next time, that will come back around too.
And if it does work out, then it already did come back around. Just remember, you don’t know what the other person is going through. Love is about not caring and loving them anyway, even when you reach the end of the line. It keeps you open. It teaches you how to be happy. It shows you didn’t let that person down when they may have needed you the most but didn’t know how to say stay.
I have fallen in love with the new Taylor Swift album Red, which documents these times and trials and tribulations of love, and it’s been hitting me everywhere. It’s been like a drug for me, on constant repeat. It’s honest and real. Some of the songs made me ball my eyes out and some of them made me open and feel normal and okay about falling so hard so fast. Here’s some songs to help you, to make you feel something again.
State of Grace – I didn’t like this song at first, and then I listened to it a few more times. Sometimes people come into your lives like freight trains, and a few weeks later you find yourself head over heels, and then it breaks down. But it’s a new start. It brings you to life and wakes you up and changes you in all the right ways.
Treacherous – “I’ll do anything you say if you say it with your hands.” That doesn’t make you less than a good girl when you’re with someone that is everything to you. It’s okay to let that person in. It’s okay to be open and honest. It’s okay to feel like walking away will save you everything, but you stay because you like the feeling of recklessness and you like being that way, overtaken by someone for the first time.
All Too Well – Some of the lyrics in the end of this song are harsh, and no way reflect how I feel about The Boy. I have no harsh words for him ever. What I do connect with is the honesty of this song. Taylor said it started out as a ten minute song, and it took her a year to get it to the form it is now. There’s something magical about connecting to the feeling of a song like this and being able to say, “Yes, I’ve loved like that.”