Freedom Is Just Another Word For Nothing Left to Lose

I learned a very important lesson this week. You know how last week I was talking about how my life wasn’t laughing at me? Yeah, don’t do that. Now my life is laughing at me. Hysterically. Like, worse than ever.

I’ve held a lot of things back this summer, which isn’t like me. My blog has always been a stronger place, a place to inspire others and hope some girls can take something away from everything I’ve been through so that on a rainy day the sun seems just a little brighter. (That’s so cliche that I might even have to slap myself.) I am notoriously protective of my heart and anything that has to do with matters of it. I am also wildly protective of the people in my life. All of this led to me being marginally mysterious this summer. But now that it’s all said and done I realize that this blog is my place to speak, and as long as I’m not speaking bad about anyone, I have the right to say what I need to say on here. If the people I leave anonymous find this blog and don’t like it, then they can come talk to me about it, but since I’m saying nothing bad or offensive then it’s okay for me to speak my mind and share my story; my words. I’ve been hiding my blog from my friends and the outside world for quite awhile, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling anything. I just never knew that. So I’m going to share how I feel. If it bites me in the ass it will be the second time in a week, so what have I got to lose at this point?

You remember all the stuff I said in the last blog about The Boy that I was seeing? If you don’t, I will cite it again.

Needless to say, he decided to make a move. And though he does hysterical things like get stuck in trees and have us debate if we have to call the fire department to get him down like he’s a kitten, I’ll save the stories for another day. I don’t do relationships, you all know that. I’ve kicked, I’ve screamed, I’ve wondered if I was going to break up with him, I’ve talked out every possible issue one could think of and some that only I could, I’ve had one foot in and one foot out, and I’ve rejected all the cute he tries to make since he is definitely the cute one in this situation and I am definitely the man. But as I’m sitting here typing this, he’s sitting next to me doing some school work (Grad school law student. What’s up? The two year age difference is so scandalous.), so things seem pretty okay for now. And he’s definitely something special and not anything I’ve had before. (How many guys tell you that they know you’re not feeling well and they want you to gain weight because you’re too skinny and it’s unhealthy?) Hopefully we stick it out for awhile and things stay good, because there’s no need to cause issues where there are none.

Well, this just goes to prove that I am blind, deaf and dumb in relationships, because less than a week later he broke up with me. I was – and in some ways still am – completely devastated. To say I was blindsided by this would be the understatement of the century. I didn’t see it coming. I had no clue. I had no inclination whatsoever that he was unhappy. And then he just broke up with me out of nowhere…and spent the night at my house that night. You all know me. You all know I’ve never cried from being hurt by someone, and generally don’t cry. I have never cried so hard in twenty-six years and sitting here writing this is still making me cry. He was that special to me.

I’ve tried harder in the time we were together to make this work than I have tried with anything before. Every single day, every time I talked to him, it was a struggle for me not to up and run. I didn’t know how to act with someone who treated me kindly and made me as happy as he did. More than anything, I wanted this to work out. I met him and I instantly felt like we should give things a try. All I wanted was him. And in the end, he was the one that walked away.

We’ve talked about still trying to make this work. I don’t know what will come out of it. He needs some time, and I know exactly what I want is him. This leaves us in a bad place, because I feel like I deserve someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them, and I just don’t know if that’s him. He had a ton of time for me when we were together, and I even spent a good deal of time helping him with his school work, which I didn’t mind. Now, he’s telling me he doesn’t have time for me for a few weeks. He backed out of a date he begged me to go on without even telling me. I showed up at his house to pick something up, and even though we had talked through text earlier about just going from there, he was in his pajamas and had no plans on going out with me that night. If he would have told me, I wouldn’t have been upset, but he didn’t forewarn me of the cancellation.

So I guess I’m single again. I guess I may be for awhile. I don’t honestly know what will come of this. I don’t know if I can learn to trust The Boy again. I had more trust for him than anyone I’ve ever been with. But when he broke up with me out of nowhere and didn’t talk to me about it or give me a chance to fix anything, he lost that trust. You all know me, getting my trust back is a nearly impossible feat. But he’s managed the impossible with me before. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to give him the chance to do it again. If he went for it now and didn’t give me two weeks to sit on it, I would surely be able to give him that. All this time he’s giving me to think will probably not turn over in his favor. I can only feel rejected and tossed aside and hurt for so long before I get enough guts to just pick up and move on. And I think that’s fair. No one wants to feel like they’re giving someone a chance who isn’t sure, when they’re ready to throw all their chips in on them.

At the end of the day, I’m not mad at him. We’ve had our fights, which is funny since I never fight with anyone. We’ve had our moments. I don’t think less of him and I’m not going to run around slinging words to our friends. I have no interest in doing that. I went into this relationship telling him I wouldn’t be the one who would do that, and I’m going out the same way. I’m a loyal girl to a fault, and I don’t say things I don’t mean. As the song goes, “I stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had, but I still mean every word I say to you.” I just know I have no ability or interest in being friends with him. I will never think of him that way. I will always want more. I will always think of him as more. It’s just such a long way to fall.

If we never see each other again and the tide never turns the way I want it to, then I’m going to take what I had with him and chalk it up to a life experience. I’ll take what I got out of the relationship and carry it with me and move on. Everything was different with him. For the first time in my life I actually felt something real, in a time where I was wondering the most if I could ever feel anything. I felt safe with him. I felt attracted to him. I felt chemistry. I felt some kind of attachment that caused me to allow myself to be close to him instead of pushing him away. Although I thought it was okay to just let myself fall for once, and in falling I got my heart shattered, I’ll know for next time that the feelings are there and ready for when the right person comes along. I don’t know if I’m counting him out as the right person, and his mom has even said we belong together. I agree. If he doesn’t, though, then none of this really matters.

I personally think he got too close to fast and is scared. But ultimately I’m not a psychologist and I don’t know what’s going on in his head, so what I think – none of it matters. And what I feel, that may not matter either anymore. Regardless of how this ends, I wish him only the best and I hope he finds someone that makes him feel loved and wanted and happy, because he deserves that. I’m just sorry if it ends up that I’m not that person.

Full disclosure? I miss him like crazy. It’s awkward, because I don’t usually miss people.

The only thing that’s getting me through this without crying constantly in my bedroom has been the following list of music. Hopefully these songs can help you out too.

Can I Go Now – Jennifer Love Hewitt: Because I was mad and felt trapped, a phase we all go through after a breakup. You just want to yell at someone and wonder why it couldn’t have been you they wanted to make things work with. You have that total moment of screw you. This is that moment of screw you.

Stronger – Jennifer Love Hewitt: Not a lot of people know about this song, but it’s really inspirational. Jennifer wrote it herself, and I appreciate her for that. There’s something to be said for the strength this woman has.

Red – Taylor Swift: This is just how I feel. Why is it that when you start to fall in love you realize that life really is a Taylor Swift song?

Brokenhearted – Karmin: You can’t listen to this song and be sad. You just can’t. I’m obsessed with Karmin.

Your Biggest Mistake – Ellie Goulding: This encompasses everything that a breakup stands for.

Lightweight – Demi Lovato: This was the last song I listened to that reminded me of him before the breakup. I was driving home after a great date night with him two Mondays ago and remember thinking, “This is where I am.”

My Goodbye – Automatic Loveletter: Every time we would fight the lyrics to the chorus of this song would play through my head.

Undiscovered – Ashlee Simpson: This song should be a staple for every girl who really misses someone and something they had and doesn’t know how to deal with it. So basically, every female on the planet.

Lasso – The Band Perry: I think the only thing more awkward than falling in love with a person is falling in love with a song. But I’ll admit that I’m madly in love with this song. The first five lines of this song fit perfectly to what I felt, and nothing could say it better. I’ve listened to them over and over again on an endless loop in the last week. Hands down, those lines will always remind me of this situation. “And I gave Him my best shot.”

On a completely unrelated note, I have my very own stalker. There’s a guy who has been interested in me for several months, but I was interested in The Boy and put him off to see if we could work out. Since things didn’t work out with The Boy, he had asked me out. Initially I told him I didn’t know, but The Boy encouraged me to go out with someone else. Though that upset me, I thought, hey, if he’s encouraging it, going out with someone else might give me some perspective on the situation. I said yes, though I really didn’t want to. I’ve known this guy for awhile and never once did he seem like a creepy stalker. As soon as I said yes, everything changed. He started texting me constantly, and if I don’t answer right away, he continually texts me and asks me where I am and what I am doing. Over and over. All day long. I went to sleep last night and woke up to texts from him asking me if I was still awake and then saying good morning and hello and what not. He just will not let up. And he keeps saying inappropriate things to me about how pretty I am and how he wants to kiss me and what not. Slow down here, buddy. I agreed to one innocent date. I told him the situation I was in and that I wasn’t really ready to date, but was giving him a chance just to hang out where there would be no kissing or hand holding. I was extremely clear, and now he will not leave me alone. Needless to say, he’s not getting a date. He is, however, getting his number blocked, and if he gets worse between now and the time I block his number, he’s also getting a nice little paper written up about him at the police station. Yes, girls, the texts are that bad. They definitely cross the stalker line.

 

 

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