Safe Sacred Honest – In Pictures

I know I’ve been promising for months and months now to show you pictures of this or tell you stories of that. I haven’t done it. I am a jerk. No, but honestly, I’ve had a really hectic, crazy, amazing, depressing, Sad Beautiful Tragic couple of months. It started on August 13th and has brought me to life and broke my heart over and over again. I was going to sit here and type the last few months for all of you to read and split it into several posts, but I decided I had a better way of doing things. I’m normally not much of a picture taker, but I have photographed the last few months religiously and Instagrammed the heck out of my friends nerves, so I’m going to share the last months with you through pictures, with accompanying music to listen to while you look, probably mostly from Taylor Swift (Though the songs may be pitched, since most seem to be to avoid copyright.), but not all. (I’m obsessed with her sound. I know!) That way you can see my life, I can squish it all into one post, and you don’t have to listen to me prattle on relentlessly. Though I do warn, there are tons of pictures, so be prepared. Get some coffee. Maybe something to eat. Get cozy.

I’ll just add some captions here and there with pictures. I know that some of my singular number upon singular number of readers may not be interested in this, but I feel I have to document the past few months for the sake of being honest. For remembering how it felt and hoping to forget how far it fell. I’m also doing this because I need to put the beauty and pain of those months in a safe, sacred place where I can find some peace, so I’m purging every picture, every thought, every last moment I’ve documented into this one post, and then we will move forward to better and more awesome blogging. (I hope.)

Me being me, the oldest young person alive (Hey, is there a ribbon for that? A trophy? Something?), couldn’t figure out in what order I should do this in. My first and obvious thought was to post the moments in the order of which they happened, but that’s what I would usually do. I’m trying to be more spontaneous and take things as they are, so I’m going to post them in alphabetical order, which is much more than my OCD can take. I’m even going to section them off by name. Look at me being crazy now. I’m so sad. Doing things in alphabetical order instead of chronological is my way of being crazy. There is therapy for that, right?

But first, I bring you this. It has nothing to do with me. I didn’t make it. I’m not even a fan of Star Wars, but in the words of Rachel Zoe, “I die” every single time I see this.

My 27th Birthday – November 9, 2012 – Seven Springs Mountain Resort

Song: When the Sun Goes Down – Selena Gomez

Alternate Song: Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) – Katy Perry (Even if there was no drinking at my party and we all know what we did. It was still on a Friday.)

The song that was actually running through my head the entire night: The Moment I Knew – Taylor Swift (Yes, I did invite the ex, who was so damn campy on being just friends after the breakup. Ironically, no, he did not come, obviously, or I wouldn’t have had this song in my head all night. This defined the end of our relationship. The moment when everything hit me was that night at my birthday party, and this couldn’t have said it better.)

This birthday party was supposed to include over twenty people. The day of, most crapped out and couldn’t make it. Pretty much all of them had valid reasons. One was having car troubles, another got a surprise vacation from her husband in the Bahamas, several were coming from an hour and a half away and just couldn’t do it because they were too tired after work. It’s kind of hard to get mad at people with valid excuses. However, this worked out wonderfully, because it ended up just being us girls, that being myself, my friend Becky, and my friend Tiffany. Becky came to my house and we rode the forty-five minutes together, then Tiffany joined us later for supper. This ended up being the most epically awesome birthday ever. Even though we were just forty-five minutes away, the resort made it feel like we were on vacation. And we did things we all suck at, and what you may not know about us is that the more we suck at something, the more fun we have doing it, because we know we suck and are just doing it to have fun.

First, we stated out bowling, if you could even call it that. The last two times I bowled were epically horrible. The first time, my friend and I bowled against an obliterated, drunk guy. Both of our scores together didn’t equal his. The last time I was bowling with Craig and two of his friends. We were all sober. All three of our scores didn’t match Craig’s near perfect one. My friends have similar stories. We all just really suck at bowling. Now we just put it into pictures for proof.

I have no idea what I was doing or why I made these faces. Why not?

This is the evolution of Becky walking toward the camera. These are why I love my friends.

This is Tiffany when she bowled and hit no pins.

This is Tiffany when she finally hit some pins. After three tries.

These were our “scores.” I don’t even think these even count as scores, they’re just that bad. I lost. Big surprise. And all of our scores? They still don’t match Craig’s. One day! (That’s a lie. We will never bowl a 209 collectively. Ever.) But my one friend did point out that if Becky and I switched places, we would be a BAT. Now I’m sad we didn’t!

In case you don’t believe a computer screen, here’s a physical print out. Yeah, we suck.

After bowling, we went and did something we were good at. We ate dessert. As you can see, Becky was thrilled with her hot cocoa.

Next came mini golf. We sucked at that, too, but that I won. I don’t know how. I just kind of did somehow…by the grace of God. Still, I don’t think we can really count it as winning, unless we were Charlie Sheen. Which we’re not.

Here’s our scores. More suck? Oh yes. But I sucked the least!

Afterward, we went back to my house and watched Magic Mike, while eating chips and cookies. By watch, I mean we just looked up when someone took off their shirt and have no idea if there was an actual plot to the movie. But before we did all of that, we decided to just go right on ahead and take pictures of ourselves with the flip view option on the iPhone. Oh, iPhone, why would you invent that?

Tiffany and I decided to take semi-normal, cute pictures of us, which is funny since we aren’t really normal.

Becky and I, not so much. We started out cute.

Then this happened. I think she was trying to kill me.

Then I realized she was just trying to be my lesbian lover. Ta-Da. (That last part is a joke, folks.)

Even though the invitations stated please no presents (To which Aunt Bev responded, “ARE YOU CRAZY?!), Becky was nice enough to unexpectedly get me something. First, there is this card. It is supposed to be cute and terrifying all at the same time. Even the inside of the card states it is. So, “Aww!,” “AHHH!”

She also got me this Taylor Swift shirt, because we all know how much I love Taylor! I love this shirt! It excites me so much! Not pictured is the pink crackle nail polish. I am a whore for nail polish, which is better than being a whore for boys, so it worked out wonderfully. Thank you, Becky!

Birthday Swag – November 10th and 11th 2012

Song: Enchanted – Taylor Swift (This will make sense as you scroll down further.)

I may have sang this a time or two…in the middle of the mall and not always to myself: Take Me On the Floor – The Veronicas

What was actually stuck in my head all day: The Last Time – Taylor Swift (Featuring Gary Lightbody)

Yes, I totally have to brag about some of my gifts. I’m sorry. I’m “That Girl” now. It’s fine.  These gifts are all from my mom. Aunt Bevt gave me money to get Taylor Swift tickets, but they were so expensive I almost threw up. I kept the money and bought a blender and a Hello Kitty vacuum cleaner. It seemed more reasonable and adult-like.

But let me just tell you, this was the wrapping paper all of my gifts came in. All of this glorious-ness! See why I had to share? Isn’t it perfect?

I will soon be moving, though I don’t know when since I am waiting for the girl currently in the apartment to buy a house and move out. Mostly everything my mom bought me revolved around that. She was really fond of the kitchenware, but look. It’s a spoon. With a dog. IT’S A DOG SPOON!

And a flower spatula.

AND A KITTEH SPATULA! I am crazy about this thing. Never will I ever again find a boy I love more than this spatula. Ever. Been there, done that, now it’s all about the kitteh spatula.

I love all things Peanuts. This was definitely an aww, and it’s Lennox!

There once was a nail polish kit at Target that one, myself, fell in love with. I bought it for a friend and was deeply saddened that I could not have it for thy self. Alas, my mom found one and bought it for me, knowing I wanted to covet it so! (Yeah, that was really bad. I know, guys.)

I like pumpkins. I like treat dishes. I like Lennox. Ta-da!

Again. I like fall. I like dish towels. I like the things that help me get pans out of the stove without having to go to the emergency room with third degree burns. Ta-da!

No one better try and climb in my windows and snatch all my people up. I’m just saying.

My mom had been so excited about giving me my gifts that she gave them to me the day before my birthday. On my actual birthday, the 11th, we went to the mall to do some shopping and use all my yummy free birthday certificates. We started out in the dollar store. I like to buy ridiculously practical things and was out of name tags for my Christmas presents. I saw these and got excited.

Then I saw these and got excited all over again. They both came home with me.

In the same store happened to be Christmas dish towels. It’s a snowman. With a dog that is also a snowman. Really, seriously, how long have you guys known me? There was no way I could pass these up!

While trolling around, I found this little beauty at seventy-five percent off at Bon-Ton. Hey, every girl needs some decorations when they move, right? And I’m kind of obsessed with owls.

I am not ashamed to say I spent a good hour going from department store to department store trying to find someone who had samples or could let me sniff Taylor Swift’s new perfume, Wonderstruck Enchanted. No one could, but they all wanted me to buy the perfume. I don’t want to buy something if I don’t know what it smells like. With only one store left, we stopped in JCPenney and made haste to Sephora before they closed. Not only did they give me a sample of the perfume, but they signed me up for a card in which you get something free for your birthday with a purchase. It was my birthday, so I made a purchase. I got this for free.

And this, obviously, was my purchase, which I barely paid anything for and mostly just bought my friend a gift. After smelling the perfume I fell in love with it. I’m sure that you would be hard pressed to guess that I’m obsessed. It’s cool.

Christmas Village – November 25, 2012

Song: Wonderful Christmas Time – Paul McCartney

This song is classic turned country. Loves it: White Christmas – Taylor Swift

The song that made me almost embarrass myself this season. You know, if I got embarrassed: Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Zooey Deschanel in Elf (Yeah, guys, I pulled this in Big Lots. I was the only one standing there when I started singing. When I stopped, I was surrounded by people. No one joined in. Scrooges.)

When I was a child, my grandma bought me many houses to make a Christmas village out of. Over the years, snow was added. Then, we decided to go all out with our many decorations and make all of our shelves festive. Actually, I worked at Hallmark, so we have a lot of crap. It looks shoved on the shelves, so the snow breaks it up and helps it go right along with the village. It’s a win / win.

This is my snowman shelf. That glowing thing? It’s a snowman wax warmer and it smells oh, so delicious.

This is kind of my schizophrenic shelf. It started out being all about Jim Shore pieces, but then somehow Peanuts needed a home and so did the birds, so this happened. I repeat, snow makes everything look better.

Then we have the shelf that started out as the reindeer shelf. Then I had two more snowmen without a home, and since they couldn’t fit on the snowman shelf below, this is what became of the reindeer shelf.

And now for the village. There are three sections to our television stand, and the village takes up all three of them, the whole way across, to form one cohesive village. Take a look! Left.

Right.

Middle.

My room needed some Christmas cheer. When I caught my mom trying to put away the “extra” lights and garland, I was appalled! There is no extra in Christmas decorating. I quickly hoarded it, taking it to my room and doing this with it. The garland will eventually come down, but the lights, let me not lie, they are staying.

My First Rocky Horror Experience – October 13, 2012 – The Hollywood Theater in Dormont, Pa

Music: This is apparently all the music from the show, so listen away!

If you think this theater looks familiar, or the cast, you would have seen The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The Rocky Horror scene was shot at this exact theater with the same shadow cast helping them out. The whole movie was shot here, in fact. Don’t believe me? Proof.

Since I had never done Rocky Horror before, the cast was quick to mark me as a virgin. Then they bring all the virgins up front and smack our asses. Not kidding.

Myself with Kayleigh, who is awesome. She likes to point out that she never smiles in pictures. Score!

Myself with Kayleigh and the ever so infamous Cupcake. I love you, Cuppers!

Us with some of the cast. The random girl and guy to the left played Janet (Who marked me with a V.) and Brad. I honestly have no clue who the guy is beside Cupcake or where he came from, but he was not a cast member.

In the middle of the show, we quickly realized that the man playing Dr. Everett B. Scott looked exactly like Cupcake. Kayleigh and I were even plotting getting a hold of the guy, tying him up, and replacing him with Cupcake and see if anyone noticed. It was an elaborate plot. We decided we wouldn’t do well in jail, so we waited until after the show and approached the cast. Their basic response was, “Yeah, sometimes people look like other people.” They weren’t very nice about it. Then Cupcake showed up behind us and they went to ask him a question, realized he wasn’t dressed the same as their other cast member, therefore he was not their other cast member, and started immediately yelling for said cast member. He was also rude and said he looked like a lot of people, and then he turned around. OWNED! And, of course, we had to get a picture. I won’t tell you which one is Cupcake. I’ll let you rely on the above pictures.

Thanksgiving Animals – November 22, 2012

I had exactly three songs stuck in my head on Thanksgiving that I continually sang on repeat. They were all by Carly Rae Jepsen.

Call Me Maybe (If you haven’t heard this song, how does the underside of your rock even get the internet?)

It’s Always a Good Time (Featuring Owl City)

Your Heart Is a Muscle

The holidays are a particularly busy time of the year for everyone. Yet, when the day comes, I find myself bored and underwhelmed. The holidays consist of myself and my mom at this point in my life. I thought that was going to change this year, but that’s a whole other story. Finding something to do with myself on Thanksgiving to make it feel like a holiday and avoid actually doing any kind of work is usually a chore in itself. So much so, that I feel like I’m working. So this year, with my iPhone in hand and Instagram at my disposal, I decided to chase all the animals around like a mad woman and make them take pictures with a turkey. They were just as annoyed as they should have been.

To prove that, I had three bloopers with just one cat, Stitch. He was not happy. First, he photombed his own photo.

Then, he stuck his tongue out at the stone cat for gosh knows what reason. It’s not like he should be jealous. The cat isn’t even real. (Just don’t tell it that.)

Finally, he stuck his tongue out at the turkey. I’m pretty sure dead pilgrims everywhere were witnessing this scene from beyond the grave and turning over. Sorry, dead pilgrims.

This is Leo. He’s thrilled about this.

Twice.

Greta Hayley gets about this excited over all pictures. She’s pretty easy going.

Helena does actually get excited about everything, but in this instance I think she saw a cat.

Jorja started out in very Thanksgiving fashion by trying to eat the turkey. Only this was the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade turkey, so that was just rude.

After she got over that nonsense, she tried to pretend like she wasn’t irked by it, but the picture says it all.

Play was just so cute that I had to take two pictures of him. Also, he’s the most tolerant of my bullshit ideas

Scamper is the second most tolerant, but he was also trying to sleep, and when he sleeps, he notices nothing. Except, maybe, the turkey sitting next to him. More pilgrims are rolling in their graves over that dirty look.

But the turkey decided to hug him anyway. And he decided to ignore it.

Anais was pretty interested in this whole thing in the most blase way. The turkey looked cool for a second.

Then I looked interesting for a second. Neither of us were actually interesting.

Pie usually yells at you when you do this stuff. Since it was a holiday, she seemed to drop the attitude.

Thankfully, the light caught this picture, because I was getting the “huh uh, guuurlllfrannn” look.

Paramore’s picture is my favorite. Sorry, guys.

We eventually caught up to Stitch, and after close to fifteen pictures, I got a good one. One good one. He’s still giving me the stink eye in it.

The Story of Us – May 12, 2012 to September 28, 2012

Song: The Story of Us – Taylor Swift (Obviously)

Our favorite song to sing (badly) in my car: Payphone (Explicit) – Maroon 5  (I still really want to know what happened to his cell phone. Obviously it died in the video, but what about in real life? What happened to make him write a song called Payphone. I’m missing the whole point of the song, I know. Trust me, I get it, I just don’t want to think about it.)

Song he would sing in the car: What Makes You Beautiful – One Direction (I still can’t listen to this song. And he was also entirely tone deaf and tried to dance while in a seated position. It’s all good. It was kind of beautiful…in its own way.)

I have been notoriously protective of this situation and talking about it since we met in May, but I realized that the only way to get over this is to talk about it and put our time together in pictures. It’s how I cope, by forcing myself to deal with something. This blog is my safe haven to do that, and if someone doesn’t like it, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not saying anything that’s bad or untrue, so I’m going to do what I need to do to deal. Also, I know many of you are good friends of mine from all over the place who have been asking me what has been going on concerning how I even got a date and who I was dating, etc. So let me just take care of it all in one fell swoop.

I met Craig at a friend’s graduation party in May. I barely made it home when that friend was asking me if he could set me up with someone, but wouldn’t tell me who. I pulled it out of him, and he said Craig. I am normally the girl who would laugh hysterically and be like, “no thanks.” I don’t do love. I don’t know how much of it I believe in, or did believe in before this. I don’t even know if I want to get married. I’m not the girl who believes you meet someone and know if you like them or not. I don’t believe in the American dream. It has always taken me months and months of knowing someone to decide how I feel about them. I took one look at Craig and did exactly what I never believed you could do. I fell for him immediately. I knew. I knew in that way people just know. So I said yes.

The friend wanted to give me Craig’s number, and I told him no. I was interested in Craig, but didn’t know if he was interested in me, so I told my friend to give Craig mine and let him decide if he wanted to talk to me or not. I didn’t want to force myself on him. It took two people to talk him into texting me, because he’s the nervous type. He happened to be away for the summer. But we talked all summer through texts, and that feeling from when I first saw him didn’t go away. We made plans for the day after he came home, on August 13th, to get together. Remember, we had met once, so I was nervous. But we did get together, and before the day was even over everyone was assuming we were together in a very different way. No one took a second thought to it. We just clicked. We were good together. It’s been said numerous times that I’m the female version of him, which is pretty much true.

And a week after he came home, we did get together. We were mostly inseparable from the 13th on. He became my best friend, and I helped him with school work and he comforted me and calmed me because we talked and we cuddled. He was kind and sweet, and I let myself fall totally for him in a way I’ve never fallen for anyone. I let myself believe in him. I fell in love with him. I completely trusted him, and if you know me, you know I’ve never fully trusted anyone. I was happy, truly happy, for the first time in my life. He came along when I stopped believing in everything, he brought me back to life, and he would always say we needed each other. I certainly needed him, and I’ve never needed anyone before. He would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and that I was the only person he could just sit with and be happy. I agreed. I didn’t see us ending, at least not anytime soon. I thought he’d be here for my birthday and holidays, and I let myself think like that without a second thought.

We all know how that ended. It just ended. On a Monday I finally found my ground with him. I stopped being scared with him. I gave in completely. I was totally happy. I wasn’t worried. I knew we were where we needed to be. On Friday, the next time I saw him, he broke up with me. We were going to try and date and take the title out of our relationship. I don’t really know what happened to this day. He begged me to try, but asked me to wait until he was done with that semester of school because he was too busy. Then he went out partying during that time and never did take me out. The last time we talked we were fine, and then he stopped talking to me. I will probably never know what happened, but it happened. I’ve tried to be kind through this.  A little birdie told me his grandfather died a few days ago, and I texted him to let him know how sorry I was. He never even said thank you. He reads my texts, and I know this because he talks to my friends and tells them, but he otherwise has erased me. It makes no sense.

So, I wish I had an answer for why he turned his back on me so quickly and so out of the blue, but I don’t. And I never will, probably. Do I think I will ever fall in love again as strongly as I loved him? I know I won’t, because I know me and I will never let go again like that. Even if I could have before this, I feel like I can’t trust again, because this will happen all over, and so I won’t let myself fall. But it’s also because I know I won’t have that connection with anyone again, because I never believed in that connection in the first place. But this is our story through pictures, and songs for each one, because each one is a memory. I don’t know if I still want these memories, but it’s not like they’re going away any time soon.

This occurred the second day Craig was back, the third time we were together, and before we were dating. If there is ever a picture that explains Craig’s personality, it’s this one. (If there’s ever a situation that does that, it’s when his best friend and I accidentally told him he was kind of balding and I had to hear him freak out about, and sincerely ask me if he should try Rogaine, for a week.) At first, he tried to stick the onions in his nose, because he thought Cupcake and I weren’t looking. Once he realized we saw him, he bust out laughing, we laughed, and he went with a more reasonable route. It’s amazing we never got kicked out of a restaurant together, though we did amuse several staff members in various places. See: Everywhere we went. Constantly.

Song: Barbie Girl (Listen, let me explain. One time him, myself and Cupcake were cruising down the road, when Craig put on Barbie Girl, rolled down the windows, and proceeded to sing it in a very bad, tone deaf girlie voice as we pulled into the gas station. It was as hysterical as it sounds (Easily the funniest thing I’ve ever witnessed.), and was later followed by a “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” incident of a similar stature. Every single person at that gas station gave the girl and the gay guy dirty looks. Not one person suspected Craig.)

This happened the same day. He looks mad, but there’s kind of a story behind this and a reason. The chair we are in is a one person chair. I was sitting in that chair all by myself when Craig joined me. I had my feet up over the edge of the chair like I do in the picture (That is my slip sticking out, people. Don’t be perverted.), when he decided there was nowhere else to sit, and since we are both small people, he was going to sit with me. I’m not shy, which is as huge of an understatement as saying Waldo is sometimes a tad bit difficult to find, so I told him if he sat with me that I was going to sit the same way I was when he wasn’t in the chair. He sat down anyway in way of picking my legs up and sliding under them, before putting them back down. He even started to unbutton my boots, and I forced him to re-button them at one point. We are THAT weird together.

Our friends thought this was so funny that the one had to take a picture, but in order to get our attention, she said something crude that I don’t quite remember toward Craig to get him to look up. He was unhappy with what she said. I found it funny. He immediately told my friend this picture couldn’t go online. The girl who took it told him, “No, Craig, it’s only going on Instagram.” Craig asked what Instagram was. And here we are.

Thus started our long standing arrangement of seeing how many one person chairs we could fit into. The answer is all but one. He’s no bigger than me, but in our defense, it was a flimsy lawn chair and he fit for a hot second with me, then fell out. People falling is funny. However, that was far from the weirdest thing that happened chair wise. One day, we’re both sitting on Cupcake’s chair. Cupcake pointed out that no one was on the couch, hinting that we were being a bit odd, so both of us got up, went to the couch, and sat down up against each other.

Song: Lights – Ellie Goulding (I got Craig obsessed with her also, and we used to listen to this song a ton on repeat in my car, before he started borrowing my CDs. Like all my Taylor Swift ones. Without me knowing until he gave them back to me. Yes, that is funny.)


This happened the following night. I was there for this incident, and yet I still have no idea what happened. But let me tell you how the night went, because this wasn’t the weirdest thing either of us did. We were visiting our very awesome friends, and the four of us, for some stupid reason, all decided to try and fit into their twin size bed. This is what good kids do on a Wednesday night. We all fit, because we are all small people. Someone has a picture of this, but I’m not sure who. All I remember is Craig yelling, DON’T PUT THIS ONLINE! I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW WEIRD I AM! Trust me, they already know. We told him this, yet couldn’t convince him. I don’t even know if I’ve seen the picture or who has it, but I digress.

After everyone got up, we all decided to still sit on the bed. I got up for two seconds and Craig took my spot, so I sat behind him, but there was no room for my legs, so I used them to try and push him off the bed. He pushed back into me. Next thing I know it my legs had nowhere to go but over his shoulders. This is when the other girls got off the bed. I think our weird scared them. Eventually my legs were so far over his shoulders that I managed to push him off the bed with my thighs, therefore victorious. This picture happened as he was lying on the floor. These are our friend’s shorts. I just… Why, Craig? And that will forever remain the question.

Song: Distance – Christina Perri (“I wish we would just give up, cause the best part is falling.” That’s exactly where we were right in these moments. I was falling for him so hard, even with him doing this kind of stuff, and had no idea if we would end up together at this point. This was the day I realized I definitely wanted to be with him. We had a few hours of alone time together in the car, as he went out of town that day, and we did a lot of talking in person finally. That was it for me.)

Alternate song: Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri (Since we are already talking about her, it just reminded me that Craig has been known to sing this song. Badly.)

Here is a picture to commemorate the day after we officially started dating. Which kind of just happened. Neither of us talked about it. We just cuddled and kissed and then it was the next day. The joke about this picture goes as such: “Remember that one time Craig got stuck in a tree and we thought we were going to have to call the fire department to get him down like he was a kitten?” He somehow shimmied his way up the tree. I watched him do it and I still don’t know how. He got so far up, shifted himself, and got his knee stuck in the Y in the tree. He was stuck for a good ten minutes. He was too high up for me and my friend to help him. Her fiance, however, is a firefighter, and just as she got her phone out to call him, Craig got unstuck and fell out of the tree. He was fine. He then tried to climb another one and fell and failed again.

Song: You’re My Only Shorty – Ariana Grande, but featured on Demi Lovato’s album. I just can’t find that version online. (Just because I couldn’t stop listening to it and singing it at this point.)

A few weeks into our relationship his parents went out of town. They encouraged me to stay at their house in his sister’s old bedroom while they weren’t home. Yeah, they liked me. In fact, his mom once told me we were meant to be together and belonged together. She doesn’t talk to me either anymore, but did for awhile after the break-up. I still don’t know why, but I digress. I adored his family and they knew we were the good kids that would end up falling asleep watching really bad movies instead of doing things most couples do, because it just wasn’t us. Around three in the morning we were in his kitchen / dining room. I turn around to find this:

Song: Treacherous – Taylor Swift (This, being in his house at night alone and him not wanting anything from me except for me to be there, is when I realized it was too late. I had fallen for him. And it was the most frightening moment of my life to know he had that control, and not knowing how this was going to work out. All I could do was hope he wanted to stay with me for awhile, too.)

In case you’re wondering, no, the cat never did let him pet him. The cat let me pet him, though. TRIUMPH! Craig and I are both people that can get away with just about anything because we’re cute. It’s just that I get away with more stuff than him, and not on purpose, and he got a little bent out of shape over that sometimes. Girls always win the cute contest. Silly boy.

Neither one of us are big picture takers, so there’s not a lot of pictures of us together. My friend took this one, and it’s kind of blurry, but meh. It’s cute. This was date night. This is what I remember the most and miss. I guess I just want to think of us like this, and that’s really unhealthy.

And yes, he shaved. My friend and I laughed too. He’s only twenty four, but he looks older than me with facial hair, and I look pretty young, so we got looks sometimes. Once he shaved, I was the one getting the pedo looks. Awesome.

Song: Let It Ride – Automatic Loveletter (This isn’t a romantic song, but it just makes me want to run away with someone. It’s like that star crossed moment when you’ve just fallen for someone. That’s where I was.)

Alternate Song: Back to Life – Automatic Loveletter (They were my soundtrack to falling in love. I felt like he brought me back to life after being sick for so long.)

And that was our story. The one song that made me cry hysterically right after we broke up was Taylor Swift’s All Too Well. I think anyone who has been through a breakup would have trouble breathing the first fifty times they listened to that song. But for me, I feel like this song was personalized to fit me. The following lines are so specific but so true to us, and also paralyzed me when I first heard them and sometimes still do:

“You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin size bed / and your mother’s telling stories bout you on the t-ball team /you tell me bout your past thinking your future was me / and I know it’s long gone / and there’s nothing else I could do / and I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to”

Zoo Day! – October 7, 2012

Song: Brokenhearted – Karmin (I can’t stop listening to this! It was on replay on this day. Maybe I still hoped we weren’t over?)

Alternate Song: Hello – Karmin (I was a little obsessed with them at this point. Plus, her rapping is INSANE! She’s just a cute little white girl, for goodness sake!)

So Craig and I had just broken up. What do I do? Go to the zoo with his childhood best friend! (I am THAT awkward.) We already had the plans, and I almost canceled on him, but I couldn’t really take the breakup out on his poor friend, who has since become such an awesome friend to me. But it is, admittedly, a little depressing each time I see him, because I think of Craig. This took place at the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium, which, yes, is the zoo that was recently in the news for a painted dog killing a two year old when the mother dropped him into the exhibit. So sad. But we went before this happened and no one died that day…that we know of.

Can you spot the leopard? Man, I am funny. Just not really.

One a lion, two a lion…

And now just one a lion. I really need to stop trying to be punny and witty.

The ostriches and gazelles were out on this day, but no zebras. Naturally, I had been most excited about seeing the zebras.

But giraffes are second best, right? They’re kind of like zebras, only tall and with spots. Yeah, okay, they’re nothing like zebras. Depress me, why don’t you?

The elephant kept giving us the butt.

Then he changed his mind and just decided to hide. I see you, Ellie Phant. P.S. – Can someone please be stupid and name an elephant that for me? Thanks.

The baby elephant inside of the elephant house was much, much friendlier! I wanted to hug it. I realized I couldn’t. It was a sad moment.

We went into the notoriously stinky monkey house. This is  lemur. Yes, I do enjoy being Captain Obvious. You’re welcome.

This is an “I Don’t Know.” Yep, that’s the technical name for it, folks. It was too far away, and I was taking pictures through glass. I do remember it stealing food off of a much larger monkey and running right after this. Actually, I think this is theft in progress.

We have an awesome aquarium, only now we don’t have dolphins and everyone crowds the penguins, so I couldn’t get pictures. But you know what’s fancier than a penguin? I sea horse! Ha!

Last, but certainly not least, we have your run of the mill donkey. (Right next to a spitting camel.) In the kids section. Awesome.

I’m sure you’re all exhausted from the nearly one hundred pictures and 6500 words, so you’ll be glad to know this journey has now concluded. Here’s to moving on and better times. Now go take a nap.

Why Does My Room Smell Like Taylor Swift?

I’ve been kind of absent lately, and it’s not because I have spent all of that time trying to figure out why my room smells like Taylor Swift. But since it’s the title of the blog, let’s just get to that first. For the last nearly two months, my room has mysteriously had the scent of Taylor Swift’s Wonderstruck perfume. I couldn’t figure out why, since I don’t stand there and spray my room with expensive perfume for the heck of it. I noticed it was particularly prevalent when I was lying in my bed. I have one of those Sleep Number beds, because I need to sit up to sleep due to my medical issues, and it’s better than the couch. Those beds have white covers that go over them to help keep the smell down from the chambers that inflate and deflate for comfort and to keep the mattress clean. I remove that about once every two months and wash it, since I’m not actually laying on it, being as I put a regular fitted sheet over it. Today, I pulled it off to wash it. That’s when it occurred to me as to why my room smelled like Taylor Swift.

When my boyfriend and I broke up almost two months ago, I washed the cover to get the smell of his cologne out of my bed. (Now, now, no one over think this. We used to hang out in my room to get some peace and quiet and I helped him with his homework. That is all that happened. Go clean your dirty minds.) Well, that didn’t help. That’s when I realized that he had actually managed to wear enough cologne that it had permeated onto my actual mattress. Now, I don’t know about you, but most people don’t particularly enjoy their mattress smelling like the ex they still want to be with, so I decided to combat his smell with Wonderstruck. I immediately forgot I did this. Thus how my room ended up smelling like Taylor Swift.

Today, I pulled off the cover again. When I did, I noticed that side of the bed still had a bit of a Craig (I gave up calling him “The Boy.” If I’m going down for stuff I never did, I’m going down in a engorged ball of flames. More about that later.) smell to it, so I went on ahead and sprayed it again. This time I sprayed it with Wonderstruck Enchanted. I find I actually prefer this scent to the original Wonderstruck, but I digress. Here’s to another two months of trying to figure out why my room smells like Taylor Swift.

That’s not really what I’m here to talk about, though. I have been away from my blog, and I have given up on NanoWrimo straight out of the gate this year. It’s not because I’ve lost my love for writing, but because I just simply can’t do it this year. I have been deeply depressed. I guess I didn’t realize how bad it actually was until Friend threatened to 302 me last night. For those of you without that law in your state, it’s the same law that Steve-O was committed under. It allows you to involuntarily commit a friend without their consent if you feel they are a danger to themselves. Apparently I’ve gotten that bad, which was news to me. I have, admittedly, been legally medicating myself just to function during the day without being in ridiculous tears and to sleep. I still don’t really sleep. I haven’t in six weeks. I guess his reaction shouldn’t have surprised me.

I was going to keep this to myself, but I decided to go ahead and share it anyway. I am being tested for bone cancer right now, and I’m going through it absolutely alone. I sat in the hospital for an hour and a half waiting to be tested yesterday and cried because I was scared and alone. I’m not a crier, especially over medical stuff. I have friends who are here to talk to me, but it’s not the same as having someone who makes you forget about everything just by being there, and I still have to go to all my appointments alone. This is my second cancer scare this year. The last time this happened was during the last few weeks I was with Craig, and I had made the judgement call to not tell him. I was stressed, he didn’t know why, and that’s probably part of what broke us up. That time it was leukemia. I thought we were over this whole cancer thing after I was cleared from that.

The one person who can make me forget things just by being here isn’t here. And he’s not going to be. He won’t even talk to me. A few weeks back, someone who I considered a good friend and had spent the summer with chose to tell him that I said he was a sociopath and I had premonitions that his parents beat him. I also apparently did it over the summer, when he was still away and we really didn’t know each other, and then proceeded to date him after this. Yeah, it makes zero sense to me either. I don’t even know how one would come up with something so preposterous. And that’s just the beginning of the bullshit I’ve been through in the past couple of weeks. So it’s really no wonder I’m depressed and lonely.

If you weren’t sure if I was having enough depressing fun, after I sat in the hospital for an hour and a half alone yesterday, they ended up pulling over twenty tubes of blood. Only after that was I alerted that I couldn’t drive for two or three hours. I came alone. Which meant I had to sit an hour from home all alone and try to figure out what to do with myself when I had no money and was too weak to walk around town. I eventually ended up going to Craig’s childhood friend’s house, since he only lives a few miles away from the hospital. That is exactly just as depressing as it sounds. But he did point out that on top of being the female version of Craig, which I admit to, I have also turned into a fifteen year old girl who is obsessed with Taylor Swift since the breakup. He’s probably right, but I digress.

Don’t get me wrong, I love his friend. I absolutely, completely, platonically love this guy. We have fun together. He is an awesome guy. His only fault is that he’s Craig’s childhood best friend, and that’s not even his fault, so I try not to take that out on him. I mean, heck, we had the most epic zoo day ever together. (Which I still need to post about.) But when he happens to be the best friend of the person you’re missing the most, it doesn’t help any. For the second time, I managed to depress myself. The first time was when I tried talking to guys and trying to date and trying to work things out with an old friend and realizing I didn’t have the connection with them that I had with Craig. I am super at depressing myself on accident. Considering I’ve never been depressed in twenty seven years, that in itself is depressing. And awkward. On a good note, Craig’s childhood friend told me there’s no time limit in which I have to get over Craig. I don’t have to do it until I’m ready. I’m not ready.

On the fun side of things, I went out with two of my best friends last week for my birthday. Hopefully, I will have the recap and pictures of that up soon. Also, I’d like to share things that have been texted to me in the last hour with you, because they’re funny. I’d like to go out on a high note, even though I am positive this is going to get me in trouble somehow and I am going to be mighty regretful I posted this. But like I said, if I’m being blamed for stuff I never did, I might as well get blamed for stuff I did do.
And it’s not like the picture I’m going to post isn’t out there for all the public to see anyway. The only people who will see it on here are a few of my closest friends, who probably have seen it anyway.

My good friend Kat and I are the queens of autocorrect. Somehow, they always seem to happen between each other. So much so that we have running jokes about things. In fact, we have adopted this as our motto:

One time, in an attempt to say something normal and serious, Kat tried to type “oops.” Autocorrect, being the nasty pervert that it is, decided she really meant “BOOBS!” Capitalization and exclamation mark included. It quickly turned into raunchy strip club jokes, and sometimes we will just type “BOOBS!” for no other reason than we can.

And then there’s this gem of an autocorrect that was retrieved from the great, wide internet:

 

Sometimes, for no other reason than we can, we will also just type MOTTSAPPLESAUCE. (We seem to do a lot of things just because we can.) We’ve done it so many times that if we hit the caps key and then MOT is just automatically corrects it. That’s right, that’s in our phones’ dictionary now. And it’s not just the two of us who do it. It has spread to some of our other friends. When we’re having a bad time, MOTTSAPPLESAUCE fixes it all.

Then, there’s the times where we are just funny. Maybe we’re not funny to anyone but the people in our immediate friendship groups, but I’m determined to find out. Tonight, I’m sitting on the couch, minding my own business, when I receive this from Kat:

Kat: “So this happens…” (She’s the one in green. See, we are autocorrect queens!)

Kat: “…and suddenly I start to feel like this.” (Yes, I received her permission to copy this conversation and use the pictures.)

My response: “Haha, so true. But at least you don’t feel like this.” (And this is probably where I’m going to get myself in trouble. But, again, this picture is out there for everyone to see and hardly the most embarrassing thing of him for public view on the internet. Yes, this is my ex. Yes, I still love him. No, I’m not making fun of him, but when shown this picture I busted out laughing. The look in his face is priceless and confusing. He’s confused, right? It’s obvious why we got along. I have many an embarrassing picture of myself for public view too.)

And Kat’s response was that it needed a black border and a caption. Touche, Kat. Any takers? Since I’m probably going to get it for this anyway. But it’s funny, right? And was public previous to me putting it on here.

 

It Doesn’t Suck At All

It’s that time of the year again. No, not Christmas, though get ready for a bunch of delicious Christmas posts, because this girl is excited about it and starts early. I digress. Does anyone know what time it is?

IT’S NANOWRIMO TIME! And you can check out the synopsis and profile for my new novel, State of Treacherous, here. This is an idea that I’ve been playing with for two years, but could never write, because I was never able to get the relationship between Melinda and Ford quite right since it wasn’t a relationship I was familiar with. But sometimes people come into your lives and they change all of that for you. So after a few years of sitting on the idea that my gut feel told me I should write and seek a publisher for, I finally have the missing puzzle piece that will allow me to write it.

In the same spectrum of that and with that excitement aside, for the past few days I’ve been meaning to come and tell you all a little bit about love and life that I have learned over the past week. I’ve always been a big believer that everything happens for a reason. Lately I’ve found myself searching for a reason harder than ever. With being a psychic medium, I’m used to knowing the reasons for things and how they will play out before they do. The situation that has happened in the last month and a half, from the breakup to the boy not talking to me out of the blue, have left me confused, heartbroken, and wondering why, for the first time in my life, I didn’t know or understand the situation at hand. Why couldn’t I find the reason?

Amongst the clouds is always a silver lining, because although the reason wasn’t obvious and it took me awhile to find, I know at least part of it now. And it’s enough for me to be content and start feel like I’m my old self again, which is comforting. Now, I’m not one to give out specific or personal details from my relationship, but if outlining some parts of it helps someone else, I’m all about doing that for prosperity’s sake, in hopes that one day another girl will come along in the same position and find comfort in the words I didn’t have when I was going through this.

In the name of being honest, I had some issues when I was dating The Boy. He terrified me incredibly, and I found myself having panic attacks. I was so happy with him that it made no sense, but I always knew it had something to do with the situation with Friend, though I could never pinpoint exactly what. I think deep down I knew what I had done to Friend and the way I had walked away from him all of those years ago. I never thought I’d find a nice guy again, and I really did, so the fear bubbled to the surface that I was going to find a reason to walk away from him and leave him and hurt him like I did with Friend, when I wanted nothing more than not to do that, and it panicked me. I really wanted to keep The Boy for awhile.

When the break up happened, I immediately saw that he was doing to me what I had done to Friend, and I knew it was never on purpose. I never hated him or got mad, though I was hurt, because I understand and had found it quite the ironic situation. That was when it hit me what the real problem was. I had never forgiven myself for what I had done to Friend, and until I did, I could never be in a relationship with anyone or try to make it work, because it never would. I would take away my own relationships with my insecurities faster than you can say sabotage.

One of the first people to step up and support me when everything broke down was Friend. Out of nowhere he came in and made sure I was okay, and even though it had to be on the tip of his tongue, he never gloated about the fact that I had ultimately received my comeuppance, because he, too, knew I had never done what I had done on purpose, just the same as The Boy. That’s when I realized that he forgave me, and in that moment I was able to forgive myself. I was able to allow myself to be okay with someone and to move on. That’s what I needed for all of these years, and that’s what I need to have a successful relationship.

But the really spectacular part in all of this is that none of this would have happened if I never met The Boy. When I first met The Boy, I liked him immediately, but I still felt like something was wrong. What was wrong was that I had left Friend behind all of those years ago and was still emotionally caught up with that. While The Boy was away for the summer, and with the gut feel that something was going to happen between us when he got back, I knew something had to change.

On a whim, I contacted friend, and he reached out back. We talked a little. We became friends again. That’s when I knew that I could try and move on, and I had finally put four years to rest just being able to talk to Friend again. There were no what ifs or questions. He was talking to me. He didn’t hate me. It was okay, and so I did move on. But part of me was still stuck.

If I wouldn’t have met The Boy (Whose name is either Eric, Craig or Greg, if you’re my mom. It’s still funny a month and a half later.), I would have never talked to Friend again. If I wouldn’t have talked to friend, I wouldn’t have been able to move on. If I wouldn’t have been able to move on, I wouldn’t have actually dated The Boy. If I hadn’t dated the boy, I would have never known that I still had an issue that needed addressed. If he hadn’t broken up with me, Friend would have never stepped in and that issue would have never gotten addressed. If that issue would have never gotten addressed, I would have sabotaged all my relationships. And if I wouldn’t have met the boy I wouldn’t be able to work on the novel I had a gut feel on, because I would have never had anything to base the characters off of.

Everything happens for a reason.

Just because things happen for a reason and leave you for the better doesn’t mean that you wanted things to turn out that way. Do I wish we wouldn’t have broken up? I had never known I could be that happy, so yes, I do still wish it wouldn’t have happened. But it also doesn’t mean I’m trying to get back together with him. I’m not. Though hoping that one day he will come around and talk to me again, since I have absolutely no idea why he’s not talking to me in the first place, wouldn’t be so bad. We had something once. I think we’d like getting to know each other all over again, because let me tell you, it really didn’t suck at all the first time.