It Doesn’t Suck At All

It’s that time of the year again. No, not Christmas, though get ready for a bunch of delicious Christmas posts, because this girl is excited about it and starts early. I digress. Does anyone know what time it is?

IT’S NANOWRIMO TIME! And you can check out the synopsis and profile for my new novel, State of Treacherous, here. This is an idea that I’ve been playing with for two years, but could never write, because I was never able to get the relationship between Melinda and Ford quite right since it wasn’t a relationship I was familiar with. But sometimes people come into your lives and they change all of that for you. So after a few years of sitting on the idea that my gut feel told me I should write and seek a publisher for, I finally have the missing puzzle piece that will allow me to write it.

In the same spectrum of that and with that excitement aside, for the past few days I’ve been meaning to come and tell you all a little bit about love and life that I have learned over the past week. I’ve always been a big believer that everything happens for a reason. Lately I’ve found myself searching for a reason harder than ever. With being a psychic medium, I’m used to knowing the reasons for things and how they will play out before they do. The situation that has happened in the last month and a half, from the breakup to the boy not talking to me out of the blue, have left me confused, heartbroken, and wondering why, for the first time in my life, I didn’t know or understand the situation at hand. Why couldn’t I find the reason?

Amongst the clouds is always a silver lining, because although the reason wasn’t obvious and it took me awhile to find, I know at least part of it now. And it’s enough for me to be content and start feel like I’m my old self again, which is comforting. Now, I’m not one to give out specific or personal details from my relationship, but if outlining some parts of it helps someone else, I’m all about doing that for prosperity’s sake, in hopes that one day another girl will come along in the same position and find comfort in the words I didn’t have when I was going through this.

In the name of being honest, I had some issues when I was dating The Boy. He terrified me incredibly, and I found myself having panic attacks. I was so happy with him that it made no sense, but I always knew it had something to do with the situation with Friend, though I could never pinpoint exactly what. I think deep down I knew what I had done to Friend and the way I had walked away from him all of those years ago. I never thought I’d find a nice guy again, and I really did, so the fear bubbled to the surface that I was going to find a reason to walk away from him and leave him and hurt him like I did with Friend, when I wanted nothing more than not to do that, and it panicked me. I really wanted to keep The Boy for awhile.

When the break up happened, I immediately saw that he was doing to me what I had done to Friend, and I knew it was never on purpose. I never hated him or got mad, though I was hurt, because I understand and had found it quite the ironic situation. That was when it hit me what the real problem was. I had never forgiven myself for what I had done to Friend, and until I did, I could never be in a relationship with anyone or try to make it work, because it never would. I would take away my own relationships with my insecurities faster than you can say sabotage.

One of the first people to step up and support me when everything broke down was Friend. Out of nowhere he came in and made sure I was okay, and even though it had to be on the tip of his tongue, he never gloated about the fact that I had ultimately received my comeuppance, because he, too, knew I had never done what I had done on purpose, just the same as The Boy. That’s when I realized that he forgave me, and in that moment I was able to forgive myself. I was able to allow myself to be okay with someone and to move on. That’s what I needed for all of these years, and that’s what I need to have a successful relationship.

But the really spectacular part in all of this is that none of this would have happened if I never met The Boy. When I first met The Boy, I liked him immediately, but I still felt like something was wrong. What was wrong was that I had left Friend behind all of those years ago and was still emotionally caught up with that. While The Boy was away for the summer, and with the gut feel that something was going to happen between us when he got back, I knew something had to change.

On a whim, I contacted friend, and he reached out back. We talked a little. We became friends again. That’s when I knew that I could try and move on, and I had finally put four years to rest just being able to talk to Friend again. There were no what ifs or questions. He was talking to me. He didn’t hate me. It was okay, and so I did move on. But part of me was still stuck.

If I wouldn’t have met The Boy (Whose name is either Eric, Craig or Greg, if you’re my mom. It’s still funny a month and a half later.), I would have never talked to Friend again. If I wouldn’t have talked to friend, I wouldn’t have been able to move on. If I wouldn’t have been able to move on, I wouldn’t have actually dated The Boy. If I hadn’t dated the boy, I would have never known that I still had an issue that needed addressed. If he hadn’t broken up with me, Friend would have never stepped in and that issue would have never gotten addressed. If that issue would have never gotten addressed, I would have sabotaged all my relationships. And if I wouldn’t have met the boy I wouldn’t be able to work on the novel I had a gut feel on, because I would have never had anything to base the characters off of.

Everything happens for a reason.

Just because things happen for a reason and leave you for the better doesn’t mean that you wanted things to turn out that way. Do I wish we wouldn’t have broken up? I had never known I could be that happy, so yes, I do still wish it wouldn’t have happened. But it also doesn’t mean I’m trying to get back together with him. I’m not. Though hoping that one day he will come around and talk to me again, since I have absolutely no idea why he’s not talking to me in the first place, wouldn’t be so bad. We had something once. I think we’d like getting to know each other all over again, because let me tell you, it really didn’t suck at all the first time.

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