Forgiveness Is Better Than Permission (My Life In Memes)

Things are looking up while laughing at me at the same time. It’s a rare talent my life has. I’ve always laughed hysterically at the way it acts. I’m feeling a little like this about it now:

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Usually I feel like this:

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Just an FYI, life can’t be so bad because I still love Grumpy Cat and Duck Dynasty. Also, my autocorrect feels it necessary to correct Duck Dynasty to Dick Dynasty, because it obviously believes a show about awesome people who make duck calls is really, secretly a porno. But I digress.

I’ve started going to some of the specialists about whatever in the heck my body is deciding is bull crap now. The neurologist said that my brain is processing a tumor that doesn’t seem to be there. It’s basically overreacting to everything for no reason we can figure out. I have to see my autoimmune doctor to see if this is autoimmune related, and a neuro-ophthalmologist to make sure there is no tumor behind my eye that isn’t showing on the MRI for some reason. Because my brain thinks it has a tumor, it’s causing swelling and pressure, and making me act erratically as if the tumor was actually there. I’m on medication now that seems to have evened out the erratic behavior. I still have moments where I can feel the strange behavior coming on, but I can stop it in its tracks. It’s nice to be back to myself emotionally, but it’s also not so nice that my brain is overreacting and angry over something that doesn’t seem to actually be going on. If we can’t figure this out and get the pressure off of my brain, a bleed could occur, which is no fun. Ironically, my brain has no idea what’s going on and is just doing everything as quickly and angrily as it can. This is my brain right now:

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As far as everything else, there’s your typical good news and bad news. My poor friend that has suffered the wrath of me not being myself;I feel so bad. I can not get over the way I’ve treated him, and he really doesn’t talk to me anymore. Now, knowing him, it could have nothing to do with any of this. Sometimes he just disappears. I have to find a way to apologize to him and let him know that there was a medical reason I was acting the way I was, but I don’t know how yet. I don’t want to be invasive or creepy or make him feel like he has to talk to me if he doesn’t want to. What sucks here is that I take responsibility for my actions, however, I had no control over them either since there was a legitimate medical reason for my behavior. I hate this, because I would have handled things so differently had I been myself. I think I made him feel like this:

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I wanted to make him feel like this:

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I was volunteering wholeheartedly to be that chick. See what I did there? I’m so punny.

If you change “a girl once told me” to “a guy once told me,” this is basically how I feel about my ex now, which is so unfortunate:

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In other news, my cat lives by this motto every single day:

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I would also wish everyone a happy spring, but we got almost a foot of snow between Monday and today here. This is what our weather thinks of spring, brought to you via Grumpy Cat:

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I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In

You guys, I know I’ve been absent for awhile, but wait until I tell you everything that has been going on. I think I’m living inside of a secret soap opera and someone is forgetting to send me the paychecks. It’s been that insane. We need to back up a few months and just start this year over so I can tell you all of the insanity that’s been going on. This entails going back over some old posts and referencing them here so it all makes sense. Ready? Set? YES! This is going to be a really long post. Get in your pajamas, get something to eat, take a few naps. It’s on.

First, let’s go back and reference this post. Specifically the part about F. Also, let’s stop using fake names and misnomers, because it’s 2013, I’m a totally different person, and I’m over that. To do a quick recap, in case you don’t want to re-read that, my ex boyfriend Craig’s (Formerly known as The Boy.) best friend Eric (Formerly known as E.) was trying to set me up with his best friend from childhood, Josh (Formerly known as F.). Is this confusing yet? Does this sound like it’s going to tank? It’s going to get interesting.

Josh and I had been talking for about a month and a half before we even met. He and I had some false starts, but we went out and I really liked him. He is awkward, like me, and sweet and funny and just one of those people you automatically know you can trust. And, if we’re being honest, he is also absolutely gorgeous. Those of you who know me know that I’m demi-sexual and have long struggled with finding men attractive, as in it usually never happens, so this was all very delightful to me. I was nervous to go out with him, and I had never been nervous like that before. I almost bailed because I was so nervous, and it took four people to talk me out of not being a chicken shit. I was also apprehensive because I happened to look extremely similar to his ex girlfriend of whom he was with for awhile and really loved, and deep down part of me wondered if he was interested in me because he was still stuck on her and I reminded him of her. Everyone commented on how much we looked alike, so I had reasons to be slightly concerned knowing the story behind it, and I was being cautious because I was scared. I had been wanting a change for quite awhile, and my hair is actually graying at twenty-seven, which was hysterical until you realize I have almost black hair that grows really fast, so I was left to constantly redye it. With all this in mind, I decided to go to the salon before my date and get my hair dyed blonde. After everything I’ve been through, it seemed like a great new start, and it would cover my grays when my hair grew out because it would just look like part of the blonde. The hair color changed my look dramatically. Now I look like this and not at all like his ex anymore, and I love the look! It was the change I needed.

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The date was wonderful. We got along even better in person, which was a relief. I don’t do cute, and I got so cute over him. This came as a shock to me because of the mindset I had been in since the breakup. I hadn’t expected it. We clicked well and I was interested in getting to know him better. I smiled for days. But then the darkness took over, and the fear. I texted him and told him that I wanted to take things slow because I still didn’t know if I was over Craig, which led to a misunderstanding and left him not sure how to proceed. I got upset at him because I thought he was ignoring me, and all that was going on was that the poor guy wasn’t sure how to handle things when I said I wanted to take things slow. We got on track again and talked and I was sure to ask him all the important questions, like what he was looking for. I didn’t want to get into something with him since I liked him, only to find out we were looking for different things and get hurt. We both wanted the same things.

Then he stopped talking to me again. For a couple weeks. I tried to get a hold of him. I thought he was completely ignoring me and that I had done something. No, guys, I can’t just date someone. All this weird crap always has to happen to me. But wait, it gets weirder. I decided that since I liked him and it was so hard for me to like someone that I would I try one last ditch effort and message him on Facebook laying out how I’d like to date him, but if he wasn’t interested, please let me know and it’s no big deal. I had nothing to lose. By this time he had known what Craig had done to me – he had broken up with me and then just stopped talking to me and I never knew why. I had told Josh a good bit of personal things, which is rare for me. I didn’t think he would just ignore me out of nowhere knowing that, especially after I asked him not to, but it seemed to be happening. He did get back to me after that message was sent and told me he had been having issues with his vision and was waiting to have an MRI. I felt like a douchebag for thinking he was ignoring me. What’s new?

He ended up telling me he had a stroke several years back and they thought this was a residual effect from that. I also had a stroke. We bonded over this and over our medical issues, and I got close to Josh. It was obvious this was happening. I told him not to worry about things, and when he felt better we would go out on a date. And then I got sick. You guys, do you want to guess what happened? Yep, I started having vision problems. So there we were trying to figure out if they were related or not since we had both gotten sick after we were together, we had both had strokes, and we both were having similar problems. And I got closer to him. We had a few bumps over things, and I had some strange, erratic, unexplainable behavior with him, but he forgave me each time and was very good about it.

Then he dropped the bombshell, which is mentioned in this post. He didn’t think he could handle school and dating, so though I was under the impression he wanted a relationship, come September, it was likely we’d be done. I knew he was going away and the relationship would be long distance, and I had been very up front with him that I was fine with that. He wasn’t. I was very upset. It brought back so many things, including feeling as if I was being rejected and stirred everything up. I cried. I was so angry with because I felt he had been dishonest with me and never had any intention of having a serious relationship; that he should have told me this ahead of time so that I didn’t get emotionally attached, which I was by this point, because basically we’d end up together for several months, have enough time to develop serious feelings, and then the relationship would just end. I couldn’t handle that after everything I had been through. I was just shattered, not because Josh had done this, but just the culmination of everything. Also, Josh had been a huge factor in getting me over Craig. It wasn’t because I liked him so much, it was because he talked things out with me. I just need someone to say one thing for things to click and for me to be able to deal with a situation. Josh said that thing, because he paid attention, he had been there, and I am forever grateful for him for that.

I’d like to announce that Josh and I have since talked this out. I had initially told him we couldn’t be friends and we shouldn’t talk anymore, because I liked him and didn’t want to just be friends since I didn’t feel that way about him. I went a few days not talking to him, and that’s when I realized how close I had gotten to him and that I liked talking to him. I liked that we could talk about medical stuff because he would check on me and ask me how I was, but he wouldn’t pity me or baby me over it, and I needed that. I was also worried about him. So I caved, talked it out with him, and we were fine. I was still really disappointed, because every time we talk, or he asks me how I’m doing, I remember that I like him, want to be more than friends with him and why. But my life is better with him in it. He didn’t mean to lead me on, and after he had time to think about what he could handle, he realized that he couldn’t handle school and a relationship. He also realized that I had gotten close to him, and he was concerned because he didn’t know what to do with that. He knew I wanted to take things slow, yet we were getting close. Honestly, yes, he made a mistake, but I think I seriously confused him, too. He’s so adamant about not hurting me, though, that I think it’s confusing him and taking a bit of a toll on our relationship, because he’s afraid if I get close to him that he will hurt me. I understand that, and if that happens, it happens. I like being close to him.

Which brings us to now. I haven’t talked to him in almost three weeks, though I’ve texted him to check on him. When Eric texted him asking what doctors he went to, because I’m still sick and needed to find the same specialists he had already gone to, he answered Eric fairly quickly and said that he hoped that I was okay and everything worked out. There was a miscommunication about what I was asking for, so I texted Josh myself and clarified. I still haven’t heard from him. I don’t know if he’s really sick or what is going on. It may be his worry about getting close that is stopping him from getting back to me. I think this is his way of putting a wall up so no one gets hurt. I think this is just how he is. So I’m not going to dwell on it, but I hope we can still talk and be friends. I just hope he’s alright, because though his testing showed nothing serious, the last I had talked to him he still couldn’t see right, which also may be why he hasn’t texted me back. I also realize in this case it wasn’t really him. It was me. My strange, erratic and sometimes mean behavior was unfair to him, though he dealt with it so well and was so kind to me.

Now, through all of this, let’s back up to where I said I got sick. It started out with what I thought was a cold, and then it turned into this evil predicament. Whereas Josh seemed to be okay, I was not. I started to not be able to see right. Now my vision is permanently blurry when it comes to anything more than two feet in front of my face, so yes, I’m sitting right on top of my computer right now. I have a horrible pressure in my head. It’s not a headache, but it feels like someone is squeezing my head. My nose keeps bleeding. I’ve been dizzy, lethargic and keep falling over when I stand up. I literally can not stand for more than five minutes or I will just drop. I feel really weak. No medication is helping. This has been going on as it is now for about a month, and the vision problems for longer. I can’t sleep more than two hours at a time. And, as of yet, no one can figure out what’s going on. I have to stay sitting or laying down almost all the time until we figure it out, because we’re afraid of making whatever it is worse. Let me tell you folks, blurry television is really getting old.

I had an MRI of my brain, and while in the MRI I completely blacked out. I didn’t pass out, my vision just went completely black. I’ve had MRIs done before and this has never happened. I had to be checked into the emergency room, but unfortunately had a bad doctor who told me I was fine and released me when I obviously wasn’t. (Trust me, I’ve been in contact with the hospital over it.) Things just keep getting worse and worse. When the MRIs came back, it showed opacified sinuses. I thought we had the answer. I went to the specialist to find out that where they are opacified would cause none of these symptoms. The only thing we do know at this point from testing is that there is pressure on my brain. We don’t know why. We can’t figure out exactly what is causing it. There’s a serious concern that if we don’t figure out what’s going on really soon that it’s going to cause a bleed through an aneurysm or a hemorrhage from the pressure. I’m being sent to different specialists who can better read the MRIs and try and figure it out, so Monday I will start having those appointments.

This has been extremely scary for me, and I’ve been through enough medical stuff to not be frightened by it anymore. (This is when I miss talking to Josh. He’s good at calming me and making me feel not as afraid. Sigh. Yeah, guys, I kind of like this one. But sometimes it just can’t happen. It’s no one’s fault.) This scares me, and I know if things are bad, I’m going to have to have surgery. I’ve already thought long and hard, and it’s not something I’m willing to go through with. I’ve been through so many tests and procedures, and it’s going to be ongoing with my autoimmune disorder. There comes a point where things get to be too much and you realize you do have a choice. This may be a choice that ends unfavorably, but I know what I can and can’t handle. I have issues with the anesthesia. It’s very hard to get me to come out of it. It takes me days to completely feel right, in which time I can’t take care of myself and often fall when I try to get up. My mom works for herself, so she has to work. I don’t have anyone to sit with me after the surgery, and I can’t take another recovery alone. Plus, if I fall and hit my head, like I’ve done numerous times before, it could be detrimental depending on the surgery. Some people have thought I was trying to commit suicide by doing this, but I’m not. I just need to weigh my option and what I can handle. It’s a well though out decision. I could always change my mind.

On top of all of this, the doctors were able to tell from tests and the way things were swelling that this has been going on for nine months to a year. The pressure is reacting similarly to a brain tumor and is causing random outbursts and changes in my personality. Suddenly things made sense. The way I acted with Josh and I didn’t know why, it was from this. I also had times where I was so emotional when I was with Craig and didn’t know why. I kept saying, “This isn’t me,” but it was hard on him and I felt bad because I didn’t know why I was acting that way. Now I do. I’m on medications to help with the swelling. I’ve been able to think more clearly and haven’t had those outbursts since I’ve been on the medication, though sometimes I feel them coming on and really have to struggle to hold them back.

All of that should be stressful enough, but then things really took a strange turn. Now that I can think clearly, I realized that it was important to me to apologize to Craig over being hard on him and tell him what had gone on. Yes, the way he broke up with me was completely wrong, and we haven’t talked in the six months since, but I will never, ever say anything bad about him. Knowing what I’m facing and what could likely happen, it was important to me that Craig know this. It was important to have some kind of amends or closure on my end. I was initially going to contact Craig, but I knew he wouldn’t respond and I couldn’t handle that. I had decided to make a DVD to give to someone to give to him in case this all went to hell. This was that important to me.

Tuesday, I got a text from a random number I didn’t know. It was Craig. I haven’t talked to him since the breakup, and considering everything that happened, this was not only a huge shock to me, but it was emotional because I had wanted to talk to him for so long and just find out what happened. I never haven’t wanted Craig in my life. I’ve always hoped we could be friends, so it was a lot to handle right now, especially with what I was going through. It turns out Craig had been told about how sick I was, and that’s why he was texting me. He still cared, which was sweet. Then things got ugly. Before he even asked me what was going on, he flipped out on me and gave me four sentences about how I needed to get over him and that he would be here as a friend, but he couldn’t be here for me the way I wanted him to be. He was also flipping out over how I couldn’t kill myself because he wouldn’t get back together with me.

Wait. What?

WHAT?!

I am over Craig. I’ve been over Craig. I’ve dated, I’ve liked someone, it didn’t work out, I found another date, etc. I don’t want to get back together with him, though I’d like to have him in my life. As far as getting back together with him goes, that’s not even on the table. There’s not a table to put that on. We are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together. (Good!) I am both Taylor and Grumpy Cat in this scenario.

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I still care for Craig very deeply. He was a very special part of my life, and he always will be very special to me. Just because I don’t want a relationship with him, doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean the world to me. But, as you can imagine, this caused quite the fight, so now we’re not talking again. Which is sad, because he said about him being here for me as a friend, and I was looking forward to that. Before this caused a fight, however, I did get to say everything I needed to say to him and he accepted it. I’ve left everything with Craig that I needed to, and though I spent the following day bawling my eyes out, I was also able to find out why he did what he did as far as our breakup, and why his mother acted the way toward me that she did. I finally have closure. The saddest thing, and the one thing that I may never be able to deal with completely is that when I talked to him, I realized I was talking to a stranger. He wasn’t the same person I fell in love with anymore. There were glimpses of that person, but that person I loved so much was gone. It’s devastating.

As for why Craig flipped out at me? It turns out it’s not his fault at all, so I’m refusing to be mad at him, and I even made sure he knew that. One night, while very upset and scared, I had told Eric that I had something to tell Craig, and asked him if he would tell Craig what I needed to tell him if something happened to me. I also said a lot of other, unrelated things. Well, somehow Eric thought I wanted him to ask Craig to talk to me, which I didn’t, and then mixed all the other things together and thought they were about Craig. What he ended up telling Craig is that I was going to kill myself if he didn’t get back together with me. I was never killing myself and had never said anything like that, but Eric thinks since I will refuse surgery that I’m trying to commit suicide, and when mixing everything else I said together, thought I was saying I wanted back together and I wanted Craig here, and if he wasn’t then I definitely wouldn’t have the surgery. That wasn’t even similar to what I said, and Craig never had any weight on if I’d have surgery or not, or how I would handle my medical issues. I really just wanted to tell him something. That was all. So, as you can imagine, Eric and I are on thin ice right now and have had to have a talk about this, but this is something that I don’t know I’m going to be able to let go. The whole thing was just out of line and what got back to Craig wasn’t even remotely similar to what I had said, and it was clear Craig was very upset by it and was really upset that I was going to kill myself. I really didn’t need to have all of this drama on top of how sick I am, and I didn’t need to think maybe Craig and I could be in each other’s lives only to fight with him again. There was no reason this had to end this way, and I think had he not been told what he was, it wouldn’t have. It’s just always going to be a sad situation.

As if that wasn’t enough, I was supposed to go out on a date tonight. I ended up only getting three hours of sleep and waking up really sick, as in, hey, I live in the bathroom now kind of sick. I let my date know this morning that it was possible I may not be able to make it tonight, and when I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to go, I let him know well before the date. I apologized profusely and asked him if we could reschedule. And you know what he said to me? “It seems like you have a lot going on right now. I canceled plans with my friends for you. Maybe we should just be friends.”

Uh, what? He never asked me if I was okay, he just decided to be a childish jerk about the situation. To boot, he was the one who picked the day for us to go out, so no, I’m not buying that he canceled plans with friends for the date. If he did, he’s still the one who picked the day, so that’s his own damn fault. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s people who pull this shit, trying to make me feel bad for being sick and then putting me down for canceling and throwing me into the friends category. He also doesn’t know what’s going on in my life, so to say I have a lot going on was just a slap in the face. It’s like throwing a hissy fit because you didn’t get what you wanted, because I got sick and that was out of my control, which was exactly what this was because he kept telling me how excited he was for tonight. If you want me to throw up all over you, fine, I’ll come on the date.

The first time Josh and I tried to go out, he got called into work and decided to go in because he needed the money. That was fine. We rescheduled and things went great. Good for him for being a hard working man. This guy saying what he said to me would have been like me saying to Josh, “Hey, you made plans for our date first and it’s optional that you take this extra shift. Tell them you can’t come in.” It’s crazy and stupid and completely immature. When I nicely called him on it, he decided to flip out at me and express to me that I had issues for being upset and that he wasn’t throwing anything back on me and on and on. He told me I was weird and flaky with him. (Apparently asking him to reschedule is flaky now-a-days. I can’t keep up with these newfangled dating rules.) Then he brought up the one night he asked me to go out with him, as in he said, hey, can I come get you right now, in the middle of a snowstorm and I told him I couldn’t. Not only was it not safe, but I live on a very back road in the middle of nowhere, and when it snows like that, you can’t get on and off our road at all. Even though I explained this to him, he still kept telling me he could make it down my road and I was just making excuses to not see him. Now he was trying to turn that around and tell me that that was proof I didn’t want to see him, and I had problems.

I’ve had issues with him in the past, including him saying extremely sexual and inappropriate stuff to me. Because he had just gone through an awful breakup and was still messed up from it, and I understood that, I let it go and he didn’t do it again, so I figured it would be okay. People make mistakes. When the issue occurred where he argued with me about not wanting to see him because our road was bad and there was a snowstorm outside, I should have really, REALLY taken the hint. But I tend to give people too many chances. The behavior put together just shows how childish he is, and it’s almost to the point of being scary. It made me wonder, if he could get this upset over me being sick, what else he was capable of? He was taking me being sick and me not being able to get out of my road as me rejecting him, and that’s never going to be a good or stable relationship, because there’s signs there that something else is going on. Unfortunately, he’s also my friend’s cousin. I don’t know how this is going to go, though she did have a talk with him when he got extremely sexual with me. (Which, he also tried to tell me I was into it. Apparently me not responding and telling him several times to stop and that I was not that kind of girl means that I was into it. I should have known. Shame on me now.)

I doubt I’m out of the woods on all the crazy in my life. Like I needed more drama. I feel like I’ve been put through an unbelievable amount of stuff this week alone, far more this year. If this wasn’t my life, I wouldn’t believe it. Aunt Bev always tells me I should make a novel out of the actual things that happen to me, but no one would believe it and I could sell it as a fiction novel. She has a point.