Look What Drunk Me Bought Sober Me!

A lot of strange, uncalled for things happen when you’re sick, stuck at home, and only get out for appointments. Which, coincidentally, I am bombarded with to the point of not being able to function this month. You have to entertain yourself. Let’s not even get into how I ended up making my friend into a meme and didn’t tell him and just skip to the chase. One of those things is that you become responsible for seventy percent of all words written in your Camp Nanowrimo cabin, so you know, go me. The other is that you discover online shopping. Yes, folks, I shouldn’t have done this.

In my defense, I’ve done some online shopping before. Most of it has been on Amazon, and I’m an old pro at that. One time it was on Soap.com. Oh, and then there was Terry’s Village. I think that has been my extent into this phenomena. The kind of online shopping I’ve been doing has nothing to do with that kind of shopping, because, folks, I’ve discovered Groupon. Oh, yes, I have. Now, I knew about it, and I bought my mom a Groupon for a massage for Christmas. I didn’t, however, know they sold goods. I happened to be in the market for several goods, cheap. I had saved up the money to be able to afford said goods, so when I found out that Groupon provided some of those goods, I was elated. The reality of what happened is that I’m awaiting a phone call from my credit card company asking me if drunk me was buying sober me presents, and I don’t even drink.

To be fair, not all of the stuff I bought was on Groupon. I had an order from Amazon, that somehow shipped as two orders, one from Zazzle, Kohls, and another from Living Social, which then led me to Pawalla, but we’re not talking about any of those. Those don’t make my credit card company wonder if drunk me is buying sober me presents. Groupon does.

I only got one package from Groupon so far, but I didn’t start ordering until Wednesday of last week, and I had this package by Friday. When things start rolling in, I’m going to do some write ups about the stuff. I didn’t buy anything that I didn’t need, wouldn’t use on a regular basis, or wasn’t a present for someone else where a present was needed, but guys, the UPS guy and our mail person are going to hate me. It’s okay, because our one mail person is a total jerk anyway. Let me Kanye myself and tell you all a story.

Once upon a time, last December ago, I ordered a few things for Christmas presents. My friend had also sent me something. All of these things could be ruined if left out in the weather and the boxes got wet, and all decided to arrive the same day. Now, we have a gigantic built in porch where packages can, and have gone every single time we’ve gotten one that hasn’t fit into our mailbox for the sixteen years we’ve lived here. After all, the logical thing to do is toss it on the porch, right? Not if you’re our one mail person. Our regular mail person is fantastic, but our secondary is obviously just a few ducks short of a full row. It doesn’t surprise me, since we have arguably the worst postmaster ever, but I digress.

What did the secondary do that was so dumb? She left the packages right out in front of the garage where everyone could see them, in a flower pot that was and had been filled with water since it’s cement and we can’t tip it to drain it, in the middle of a horrible storm with wind and rain. The packages were under three pounds and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that water will ruin cardboard, ergo ruining the things inside of it. Then again, maybe if you’re this lady it does. Luckily, sellers must be prepared for this, because the items were also inside of plastic bags inside of the boxes, or otherwise they would have been ruined since the boxes were drowning in a sea of pathetic. The secondary also left our mail outside in the rain. To this day we don’t know if we got all our mail since it was so windy, and what we did get we couldn’t read.

When I launched a complaint with the postmaster, she said she was siding with the sub because the sub said there was a large over hang on our garage that she left it under. I told the postmaster that I welcomed her to come to our house and see that it does not exist. Not only that, but who leaves packages right out in front of someone’s house where anyone can come and snatch them up? No one but Antoine Dodson, that’s who. I ended up having to go above our postmaster’s head. I hate doing that, but I’d actually like to get the stuff I ordered and it was clear the secondary just didn’t give a hoot. My Aunt Bev, who was a postal worker for thirty years, agrees that I’m not a jerk and should have reported it.

Anyway, that’s not the point of all of this. The point is, I ordered stuff and I’m going to tell you all about it, whether you want to hear about it or not. Actually, that’s not true. You can opt not to read it. The reason I’m doing this is because I know it’s hard to order something off of Groupon. If you’re like me, you just order things that you’ve already seen in stores or things that are foolproof. I was going to buy the things I needed in store, but Groupon had such great deals that I couldn’t pass them up. There’s a few things I wonder about and others that they can’t screw up. But for the things you wonder about, let me share my experiences.

We have a dog named Leo. Leo is around one hundred pounds and is older, so he can’t get up and down off the bed and furniture like he used to. We had been looking for an orthopedic bed for him for some time. His joints are giving him issues when he sleeps on the floor, and as any animal person knows, you will spend ridiculous amounts of money to make your animal happy while being devoid of a pillow that doesn’t hurt your neck. Just saying. If any of you have tried to shop for orthopedic beds, you know they’re extremely expensive. If any of you have tried shopping for them for an extra, super large dog, you know you can break the bank trying to buy one.

I have no idea how I ended up on Groupon goods. I think I was being all herpa derpa and just realized there were Groupon goods and wanted to check them out. The previous day I had gone searching for a good orthopedic bed for him in stores to no avail. That’s when I saw it. It was the bed of his dreams, or at least I assumed it would be by the picture, but who can rely on those? Groupon goods had an orthopedic bed for an extra large dog on sale for $42 and some change with shipping included. All the beds I looked at for a dog his size were well over a hundred dollars. I looked at the measurements, did my homework on Amazon by reading reviews, and decided to order the bed. With all of that combined with how comfortable it looked, it seemed like the right thing to do. I mean, just look at this thing. (Note: This is not my dog. it’s the stock photo used on Groupon, though I wouldn’t be upset if this was my dog. He / she / it / hermaphrodite is a cute dog.)

Picture 1

I’m not good with the unknown, so I was driven nuts by buying something I couldn’t see, touch and possibly smell, if I so pleased, first. I was also worried because I had ordered a different color, which wasn’t shown online. I knew my dog was colorblind, so I doubted it mattered, but what if it looked like something a pigeon puked up and I had to look at it everyday? I was afraid I was going to go insane until it got here, and it even got here in a hurry. I had it less than forty eight hours later. When the UPS man dropped it off and I saw the package, panic immediately set it. This clearly couldn’t be what I ordered, because this is the package it came in.

photo 1

As soon as I saw it, I immediately had buyer’s remorse and was wondering how difficult Groupon was going to be about returning it. I carefully opened it as not to ruin the packaging or anything inside, already knowing I was going to have to send it back, because there’s no way this could be the bed I ordered. What happened? Where did I go wrong? How did I do all this research and obviously misread what they were selling?

Already Grumpy Cat the human over this, imagine my shock when I peeled back the bag to reveal that the bed was actually packed in a vacuumed sealed bag? I was wondering how they were going to ship this thing and not spend a fortune on shipping, since shipping had been free. I cut open the seal and that sucker popped out like a freakin Jack-In-a-Box when you’re young and don’t realize that thing is actually a device made to force children to pee their pants. I was worried about the quality of it since it had been packed like that, until I set it down on our very hard kitchen floor, laid down on it to try it out, and promptly fell asleep. What I’m saying here is that my dogs think I’m a moron for sleeping on their bed. They may not be able to say it, but their faces said it all.

We had a few false starts with the bed. Helena, the dog we did not buy it for, thought you slept on it like this.

photo 2This isn’t right.

Then, once Helena left, Leo thought you slept on it like this.

photo 3

Finally, and I do stress the finally, he got it. Now, he doesn’t sleep anywhere but the bed, and when he gets up, he’s not sore anymore. This was easily the best purchase I’ve ever made, especially factoring in all the money I saved. My only regret was that I didn’t get one for Greta, who doesn’t like the memory foam in my bed and now sleeps on the floor. Because she’s my baby, I feel bad she sleeps on the floor. I went back to Groupon, but they were sold out. Then, as if the heavens opened, I happened to be looking for something else later that night when I saw that they had them again. I went ahead and ordered her the smaller size for only thirty dollars, since this sucker is so big that it fits Leo and Helena. That’s over 150 pounds of dog. It’s a huge bed. I can’t wait to get Greta’s!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s