The Day That Two Absentminded People Equaled One Half of a Normal Person – In Public

I’ve learned several life lessons from Aunt Bev. None greater than “If someone is weird at twenty, they are three times weirder at sixty. Think about that when you date someone.” There was no way I wasn’t passing that one along.

Now that I’ve gotten your attention, let me share the ways my life currently thinks it is hilarious. People on Craigslist who email me to ask me if I still have an item, but never email me back once I tell them I do? Check. A car insurance agent that gave me incorrect information about my car insurance payment and has me scrambling to come up with more money than I was told I would have to? Check. Paranormal problems that are causing a connection to someone that is making me super sick? Check. Finding myself eyeballs deep in dog cookies? Check. A ceiling that is caving in and walls full of mold that are causing us to have to have our whole house literally ripped apart and put back together? Check. Having awkward conversations with people in your life because you say inappropriate things to each other? Check. Getting myself into a big mess? Check. Having an awesome dog named Greta Hayley laying beside me to cuddle with? Check.

Truth be told, even with all of those things going on, I’ve sat down to write a post several times, but was unsure of how to follow up the last post. A situation worthy of the last post fell into my lap. It was a learning situation for the ages, and one that told me I had found my own ground. It needed written about and shared, and we all know that I have a no holds barred attitude about that sort of thing. The fact that I decided against writing about it is a testament to the relationship I have with the other person involved. Writing about it would mean betraying someone and their trust, so ultimately I decided against it for the sake of their relationship and ours.

Basically, now I’ve got no good material. All I’ve got are emails from Aunt Bev and stories of the day we spent together. Hold onto your hats, we’re going for a ride.

Last week, we shared an email conversation concerning what day we were going to get together. Ultimately, Aunt Bev decided Thursday would be better than Wednesday, because there was a windstorm coming in Wednesday and she was concerned we would be blown away and end up in Afghanistan. Naturally, I told her that may not be such a bad thing because there could be some cute soldiers in Afghanistan that could protect us and we could fall madly in love with them. She decided we should get blown away to an island instead. We still went out on Thursday.

Today, she emailed me about Shaun White. Apparently I’ve accidentally convinced my 66 year old Aunt Bev to be ShaunWhiteSexual. She literally emailed me about his hair, you guys. I just like his personality. This is getting very awkward.

We spent our Thursday together last week, as a previously mentioned. I forgot five things on my way to her house, only four of which I remember that I forgot. She wasn’t faring much better, yet we still decided to go into public together. This was clearly a wonderful idea for anyone who needed a laugh.

We went to Giant Eagle to fill ink cartridges. It was the guy who works in the photo and ink department’s day off. Neither of us called to check.

We went to Target. I did okay, but Aunt Bev had a thousand and seven coupons to go with her one that let her get $10 off if she spent $40 on cat food and litter. Coupons were thrown all over the place, totals were added wrong, a poor kid stocking shelves was pulled into the situation and it was pretty much a half an hour of utter catastrophe. But she saved $28. That’s all that counts, right?

We went to PetSmart. We stared at the area where cat wormer was. We didn’t see cat wormer. We involved an employee. It was exactly in the area we had spent five minutes staring into the abyss of and missed it. Then we debated cat wormer for another ten minutes, even though they only had two kinds. Aunt Bev couldn’t find her PetSmart card. We got out of there without injuring anything but our own common sense.

We went to TGIFridays. The menus were different, the waiter was confusing, we had no coupons, I drank too much soda, and we had conversations about Bible studies, doctor’s offices, inappropriate relationships, exes and Shaun White’s hair. All of those things go together, right?

We went back to Giant Eagle because it occurred to us that we needed cake. We went through every single one of the cakes once to find the one with the latest expiration date, and then again to find the one with the most icing. We then weighed the pros and cons of both and ended up with a cake with the most icing. Aunt Bev is diabetic.

We went to Walgreen’s. There were almost no mishaps. Then we went to the checkout. The well built, fabulously lovely gay man opened the register across from us, calling us over since we were next in line. In an immediate rush to want to friend him, I started walking toward him. Aunt Bev, not paying attention, started walking forward. We smacked into each other, I turned her around, and the poor man had to keep from laughing at us out of professional politeness and whatnot. She had also couldn’t find her Walgreen’s card, but when it was all said and done, she had a coupon that made her item free.

After that we went home. We know better than to test fate. It’s amazing that there’s not some kind of law about us going out in public together. Between the two of us, we couldn’t even make a half of a person that day. Sheesh.

December 1st Is the Cat’s Pajamas…And So Are Birthdays

Today is my mom’s 29th Birthday. We have a lot of 29th Birthdays in this house. In fact, it seems like every year at least one person repeats their 29th Birthday. We won’t mention any names.

Now, everyone knows that December first is just the cat’s pajamas. It’s the day that everyone acknowledges the Christmas Holiday is in full swing and it’s too late to back out and run. It’s the day that all the boring channels start showing Christmas specials. And last but not least, it’s the day Norad starts tracking Santa and allows us to play fun kids games on its site. I mean, that allows kids to play fun kids games on its site. I mean…what’s Norad Santa Tracker again? Oh heck, who am I kidding? December first is the day that everyone is officially allowed to be a kid again for 25 days and it’s socially acceptable. (It’s also the beginning of the week of the CW taking my shows off for six weeks. Here’s looking at you, Hart of Dixie. But I’m trying to let that one go. It’s not working.) For all these reasons, except the ones in parenthesis, this is why December first is the most awesome day to have a birthday.

Today, we ventured out to an old mansion just fifteen minutes away, in a town we often go to, that we never knew was there. Folks, this happens to us a lot. Said mansion was owned by the Daughter’s of the American Revolution, something that I very naively thought was a myth and did not exist in this area. No need to announce that I’m dumb. I already got that. What was neat about this event was that the mansion was decorated with forty-five Christmas trees, all which were for sale, and all of which the proceeds would go to benefit fixing up the old mansion. We had a grand old time with those trees. Our favorite was an Arctic one, filled with polar bears and other happy Arctic animals that look cute, but could probably eat us alive. But isn’t that always the way?

This month we have plenty of Christmastime activities planned to keep us all busy and full of Christmas cheer. And if someone gets cranky, we’re just going to throw them on Santa’s lap and laugh at them for being too old to sit on Santa’s lap. It seems like a good plan to me. I don’t see any way in how that could go wrong.

But for now, let’s just enjoy the first before the season rushes by us in a blur. Let’s enjoy the Santas at the mall and the Christmas specials, and all the houses alight for the season. Let’s enjoy our last week of television shows we really like and hot guys on TV (Why are there practically none?) before our shows go into reruns, and let’s enjoy our family a little more, even if, while buying a gift, you’re thinking of how much you want to slap the person you’re getting a gift for since you never did like marrying into that family or how you’re considering getting a gift Aunt Ruth won’t like just to make up for her pinching your cheeks one too many times. But most of all, let’s all wish my mom a Happy Birthday since her birthday is on the coolest day of the year, which must make her a pretty cool person to wish a Happy Birthday to, right?

The Pajama / Polish Church Quandary

You’re going to have to excuse the myspace-esque pictures in this post, and I fully apologize for them, but I’ve got a saga for you. It’s a short one. It won’t take four books like Twilight or anything.

I am a quirky person. I’m totally fine with wearing random things that don’t match. I mean, I don’t go out in public looking like the circus threw up on me or anything; that would just be wrong, especially considering that people are afraid of clowns and circuses have them. But I’m not past being all cute like Penelope Garcia. (Holla at your girl! Am I too white and not cool enough to say that? I’m sorry if I just insulted an entire race of people with my horrible punniness. Please forgive me.) The exception to this non circus rule stops at my pajamas. Anything goes for them, just as long as they’re comfortable. In the spirit of that, I present you with this *sexy little ensemble.

*These pajamas may not, in fact, actually be sexy.

To be fair, they didn’t come like this. All pieces were bought separately and never meant to go together. However, it’s one of those nights where my legs are super, super cold, but I’m too hot in long sleeves. This happens often with Pennsylvania weather, so I rock this look. Aunt Bev, however, likes to tell me that, and I quote, I “look like a Polish Church.” I’m not even sure what that totally means, but it doesn’t sound like a compliment.

With that little piece of information in the back of your mind, I bring you these babies.

After the first picture, you’re thinking, “What’s the big idea?” The big idea is that these pajamas were a gift for my birthday from Aunt Bev, the same woman who told me that I looked like a Polish Church in my other pajamas. And, to top it off, these actually are a set. The only difference between my non set and these is that the top has bows instead of stars and the bottoms are just stripes, not plaid. Oh, AND THESE ARE AN ACTUAL SET. To make this even better, when I walked out tonight in the first pair of pajamas, my mom said she was so glad the pajamas Aunt Bev bought me fit. Yep, she went there, and not even on purpose. She totally thought they were the same pajamas, and I had to explain to her that they weren’t.

Clearly, after reading this blog, you can surmise that I completely love these mismatching pajamas that came from Little Miss Matched, one of my favorite sites. But that’s not the point. The point is, my aunt, the one who makes fun of me for looking like a Polish Church, just bought me pajamas that, well, make me look like a Polish Church. Go figure. No, really, figure that out and then get back to me. Free cookies hang in the balance.