I Know Places We Won’t Be Found

One day, you wake up to find that your relationship with someone has suddenly changed.

Technology is a funny thing. It can open doors to people and worlds you would have never found otherwise. It can let you reach out to others in ways you never thought possible. But there’s a darker side – and technology can reveal that, too.

There’s not much you can’t find out if you know where to look. For instance, there’s numerous apps and tools that allow you to see who is viewing your social media profiles and blogs. That’s, unfortunately, how I found out I was being stalked … by someone I know.

I won’t get into the whole story, but the long short of it is that I looked into who was viewing my social media pages and blog and found someone who was visiting my Twitter and WordPress an unhealthy and abnormal amount of times. I understand that this happens sometimes and that it’s possible to pick up someone who becomes wonderstruck by you. I expect that, eventually, I will pick up someone I don’t know and they will check my profiles swift and often, and then fall bored of me and scurry off. It has and will happen to all of us in this day and age. It doesn’t phase me.

This situation was much different. This was someone I knew, was friends with and trusted. This person had been religiously checking my Twitter and WordPress, but never said a word to me. I don’t use my real last name on Twitter or WordPress in order to maintain some sense of anonymity in case I do pick up that one wayward wonderstruck person, nor did I ever tell this person I had either of those social media sites simply because it never came up in conversation. Had they asked, I would have told them in a heartbeat. When we talked, we focused on the starlit world in front of us and the magic we had at our fingertips. In order to find me, this person had to be specifically looking for me and had to dig deep to find me under a fake last name, especially when there’s millions of girls (Or at least I hope they’re all girls.) named Amy in the world.

Through all of this, the person never once said a word to me. Nor did they try to follow me on Twitter or WordPress. Had they, I would have gladly welcomed them with open arms. I was never trying to hide from them, but their trying to hide their constant following of me is, well, creepy. I don’t mind that they look at my pages, but to do it consistently and not say anything? To not follow me? That makes me uncomfortable. They had me at their fingertips. Anything they wanted to know about me, they could have just asked and I would have told them. But instead they chose to check my social pages at least once a day and never say a word to me about it. And what’s worse is that they broke off our friendship for a short period of time, but continued to check my social media pages daily.

I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel violated. I feel a little frightened. But mostly, I just feel confused.

I never went looking for their social media outlets, because I had no reason to. It never came up. It was never a conversation. And had I found out they had these outlets, I would have surely followed them, because that’s what friends do. I wouldn’t have checked their pages continuously and never said a word. It’s sneaky and it’s strange and it makes me feel like they don’t trust me or they were leery of me from the start. That’s a sad thing to feel in intimate situations.

It would be less violating if this were a stranger. But from someone I trust? The feeling in the pit of my stomach over this makes me sick sometimes.

Because of this, I’ve decided to move my blog somewhere I won’t be found by them. If you’re interested in following me, please comment on this post and I will make sure to privately get you the new blog information. But before I move from my little home on the internet, a decision that was difficult to make, I want to say this.

To the person who has been doing this – I am not mad. I am not angry in any way. But I am hurt. I cared about you and I still do. You meant something to me. I would have talked to you about anything, and I don’t understand why you felt the need to do this when you had access to me 24/7. One text and I would have answered you. I always did. I am an open door. You have the opportunity to talk to me about this and I will listen. But I can no longer allow you in my life like this, because even you have to know this isn’t right. Even you have to know how sneaky it is to be able to talk to me about personal pieces of you, but not tell me you saw my social media pages. If you want information from me, from now on in, you’re going to have to come to me, because I’m cutting off your lifeline. You don’t need it.

“And in the end, in Wonderland, we both went mad.”

Happy 201…Hey, When Did That 4 Get There?

Are y’all as freaked out as I am that it’s a new year? Every other year I wonder why New Years is a big deal, because we literally have a new year every 365 days. You will have many new years in your life. This isn’t news, or new. This year, however, I see the excitement. Because, seriously, where did 2013 go? Did it even exist? Was it existentially even here? I’m so confused. It was my Return of Saturn, easily the hardest year of my life, and it flew past me like a bat out of Hell, or a bat straight into the hell I was living in. On the sarcastically bright side, I’m still stuck in that Return of Saturn brouhaha for another year, because apparently the offset of it effects your 28th year too, so here’s to another year that flies by like it’s got places to be and people to pummel.

I’ve made a lot of changes in the last year. I found out I had PTSD because of something someone did to me. I sought treatment for it. I started standing up for myself and got rid of all the things and people that I didn’t really like. It sounds harsh, but we all have those friends that we’re only friends with because we feel obligated to be, or because they’re friends of friends, but we don’t really like them and they’re problem causers. I’ve learned who my real friends are and who will exclude me from things in a hot second to avoid an issue someone else caused, but I got blamed for.

I got rid of the men in my life that were problematic, and I don’t say yes to dates anymore just because I want to give someone a chance. I’m a fairly intelligent woman. I can tell from a conversation or two if we would make a good match or want the same things. There’s no use giving anyone a chance if you just simply aren’t compatible, no matter how nice they are. Last year, I shed all the those parts of my personality and all the things that didn’t make me happy.

This year I decided to start fresh. I took all the things I’ve held onto from a past relationship and I burned them. I kept them safe in an album, because I like to look back on my past and think of it fondly. But the truth is, they’re just things. They mean nothing to me anymore, and the person they’re attached to treated me in a way that has forced them into the shadows. He means less than nothing to me. Why keep things from a relationship like that? Why remember a toxic person? It’s not worth it. It also keeps you from moving on, even if you mentally have. Emotionally keeping those things sticks you in one place, and I don’t want to be stuck in one place, because I have so many places I want to go and so many things I want to do. I’m worth so much more than one person’s words.

I decided to do the things that I actually want to do, instead of the things I feel like I should do with people I don’t even like all that much. I want to finish my novel. I found out I have quite a following on a story I started and posted online, but never finished. Who knows, maybe that is meant to be my first great novel, and not the one I’m currently working on. I want to blog more, because writing is my life and I miss it. I miss finding me and being me.

So far, this year has been tough. My health problems have wreaked havoc on my teeth and I need a ton of work done and have no dental insurance. My car passed away in a tragic turn of old age and I had to get another one a few months ago, so now I have an unexpected car payment. I’m on a set income and I’m finding that because of the car payment and the upcoming dental work, I don’t actually have money for things I need. This is the first time this has ever happened to me, so I’m now in a position where I’m forced to make a lot of decisions I don’t want to make very quickly. Maybe it will be the end of having a cell phone, but I can live without it. What I worry I can’t live without is the continued treatment for my PTSD, but that likely has to go too. I have to pick and chose, and sometimes things you need turn into things you can take as life lessons and a challenge you can step up to. We will see if I can rise to the occasion.

Another thing I’ve decided to devote more time to is my work in the paranormal. At any given time I am six months behind on cases. I’ve unfortunately made the decision to charge for cases. I’ve done this professionally at my own expense for twelve years. I’ve lost money helping other people, and I can’t do it anymore. I’m often behind because I don’t have the extra money for gas to go to someone’s house repeatedly. For years I’ve been told to charge something, even to just cover gas, and that’s what I’m going to start doing. The tough decisions are here and when push comes to shove, I have to shove. If I could be a full time psychic medium, I would do it in a heartbeat. It’s what I’m good at. I don’t ask the dead to come to me, but they do. I always use resources, such as historical documents, to back my findings after the fact. I’ve never been wrong, and I encourage people to check in to what I see and find and tell them. If I’m wrong, I’m not ashamed. I want proof. I want to know if what I find is real. I always go in with no information of the hauntings or the location, and I tell it like I see it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I had an unusual paranormal experience today while not working a case. My mom had asked me to go with her to a client’s house to make sure she didn’t fall and die while on the ladder getting the curtains down to wash. I had been to the house before and never noticed anything odd about it. I was walking through the house, and once I got into the kitchen I blacked out for a second and had a flash of something go through my mind. I stopped to get my bearings, a little disoriented and confused. When I started to comprehend my surroundings again, my spirit guide and best friend dead girl Sarah was standing next to me asking me if I was okay. I had no good way to answer that.

From that point on, the whole house felt like a fun house. I was constantly fighting to remind myself where I was, because I kept going back into flashes of things and feeling like someone was trying to take me over. It was very overwhelming and only got worse in the upstairs of the house. I pinpointed the room where the feeling was the worst, but I didn’t see anything, which concerned me. There had been two people who had passed away in this house, but whatever was going on felt like either a ton of dead people at once or one really unfriendly one posing as something nice when it wasn’t.

As I walked down the hallway toward the staircase, gathering curtains and hoping to exit the house soon, something pushed me. Everything went black for a moment. I caught my balance before I reached the staircase, but only inches away. Whatever pushed me wasn’t my size. It was small. Though the hands were distinctly on my shoulder blades, they were tiny and pushed me in an upward motion, as if they were short and reaching upward to push me. Had an adult pushed me, the push would have also been a lot harder. I only weigh 108 pounds, and an adult would have had no trouble pushing me down those stairs. Whatever it was seems to be posing as a child that is too cowardly to show itself to me in fear that I will know what it really is.

We have to go back to the house tomorrow to put the curtains back up. I’m not looking forward to it, but at least this time I will go prepared.

If you’re looking for something to listen to in your spare time, I’m hooked on the one song that describes the last twenty months of my life that I burned last night. Goodbye, 2013. It would be a lie to say I’m going to miss you.

I’m Stunned Without a Kerfuffle

Y’all, I had this really great, entertaining idea for a series on my blog. It was approved by several people. It was a go. And then it up and went topsy turvy on me. I don’t know how to act. I’m fact, I’m nearly speechless.

Let me back this up with a little pretext, since you’re not all mind readers. In the last post, I mentioned dating and that when I find the right guy I will write about it. No one get excited yet. That didn’t happen. I have been fortunate enough to be out of the woods with my PTSD and functioning like a normal, cheery person. I really want to get back out there and date. I’m ready. I’m excited. I hate dating, so this is kind of funny to me. I don’t really know how to date, but my psychologist gave me homework to get out there and go for it. So I am. I have the confidence to do this and to just say no to people who aren’t right for me.

The only problem was, I had no idea how to meet people. I’ve tried online dating before. I failed miserably. I don’t get out to meet the right kind of people though. I joined some groups on Meetup, and on a whim decided to give online dating one more try. I’m not going to lie, I kind of tried it because I figured it would tank horribly and I’d end up with a handful of fun stories like I did last time. I would then blog about these fun stores, and my bad dates could be your laugh of the day.

Only, it hasn’t gone that way at all. Plenty of Fish has added a filter so you can weed out people right off the bat. Because of this, I’m not getting twenty year old frat guys trying to sleep with me and fifty year old creepers trying to convince me I want to date them. I’m getting age appropriate guys who can spell, are nice, and form complete sentences. Most are even funny and interesting. I’ve never met anyone online that I wanted to meet in person, but I could see me meeting a few of these guys. I’m stunned speechless, because no kerfuffle has broken out yet. If one does, you know I will write all about it. We can laugh together.

My Personal Experience With September 11, 2001

There’s a lot of stories that have been told about September 11, 2001, that fateful day when two planes crashed into the Twin Towers in New York City, another into the Pentagon in our capital, and the last, Flight 93, went down in a field in Shanksville, Pa. There’s stories from firefighters, national guardsmen, victim’s families and even people who survived these viscous attacks. I’m none of those, but I have a story of my own; one that I’ve never talked about or told because it still bears an emotional scar on my heart. Being the twelve year anniversary of that day, I decided now was the time to share my own personal story. Though not as heartbreaking or terrorizing as the other stories you will hear, that day forever changed my life, though I was not present for any of the attacks.

Though I never reveal my area of residence on this blog, for this very special post I am willing to go out on a limb and do so to tell a bigger story. I live in a small town in Pennsylvania, about forty miles from Shanksville, the crash site of Flight 93. This town is a place where you never expect terrorism to hide or even find. We’re pretty far off the map, and it’s quiet in these parts. The most excitement we have is when our neighbors’ horses breach the fence and end up in our yard. September 11th had different plans.

The morning of September 11th, I received a call from my mom telling me that there had been terrorist attacks in New York City, and my aunt, who lived a few miles down the road, was coming to get me so we could be together. Also, we were under a State of Emergency, though the news was refusing to announce why. I hadn’t turned on the television that morning and had no idea anything was going on, but when my aunt came over, my fourteen year old self got in her car without question, still confused and not entirely sure of what was going on.

Once at her house, we planted ourselves firmly in front of the television, watching the aftermath of the attacks of the Twin Towers and the news of the crash at the Pentagon as it unraveled. We were still hoping someone would tell us why we were under a State of Emergency, but no one ever said, however, it quickly came to the point where everyone was forbidden to leave the place where they were in our particular county only, Westmoreland County. No traffic. No movement. At this time, the internet was not a number one source for news and we did not have cell phones or even access to the net where we lived, so it was never a thought to check online for the news we wanted.

We hadn’t been watching the coverage for quite an hour when we heard what sounded like a very low flying plane. We live in a military flyover zone, so we shrugged it off, figuring they were deploying out to D.C. or New York City. Minutes later, we hard an incredibly loud exploding sound, which was accompanied by the ground shaking violently. Seconds later, the sky became pitched black, as if it were nighttime, and the smell of burning flesh and what smelled vaguely like kerosene filled the air. A mechanical sound could be heard, like a glitch in some sort of equipment, and it would vibrate the ground every few minutes as it came and went. We kept asking each other what it was or if the other had heard it, and even though we both had, neither of us had an answer.

It was at this point that we knew something was terribly wrong, but none of the news channels were reporting any other attacks. Not more than twenty minutes before this had happened, it had been reported that a fourth plane had been hijacked and was believed to be headed for D.C. via the calls air traffic control was receiving from passengers on that plane, so all we could figure was that the plane had found its target and for some reason, even from four hours away, we were feeling and smelling the effects of it. As we went outside to take a look at the sky, we didn’t know how close to the truth we really were.

Unable to stay outside for more than a few minutes because of the smell, which later permeated the whole house even with the windows and doors closed, we glued ourselves back to the television. It was about an hour later when the news of Flight 93 came in. The words coming out of the newscaster’s mouth hit both of us like bricks upon the realization that what we had heard had not been a military plane, but Flight 93 flying low overhead, heading for its final destination in a desolated field in Shanksville. What we felt shake the ground and what we were now smelling was the bodies of those brave souls who overtook the plane to stop another attack burning in the wreckage, and the fuel from the plane keeping the fire going. The darkness in the sky was from the smoke from the burning fuselage. We also learned the real reason for the harsh county wide State of Emergency that had suddenly gone into effect, stopping anyone from leaving the places they were. At first the whole state was simply under it as a wildfire guess of caution due to our state being between New York and D.C. Then, when word of Flight 93 came in to air traffic controllers, the flight trajectory indicated the possible crash in our county, though the plane did get through our county, crashing in the next one over.

That smell, and the smoke, continued to haunt the air for nearly a week. Fire trucks could not readily get back to the crash site of Flight 93, and the decision had been made to leave the plane burn since the crash was in the middle of nowhere and had breached a mine shaft from the sheer impact of it all. Being so deep in the ground, there was no danger of the fire spreading, only the danger of a haunting reminder to those nearby. So we lived in the literal dark from that day for nearly seven days, and we lived with the smell and the memory of what every single one of those heroes on that plane did that day; the way they knowingly sacrificed their lives to save the lives of Lord only knows how many others. Whether they get properly recognized for it or not, they are the true heroes that make this country so strong and so amazing.

It wasn’t until a few days ago that I learned the trajectory of the plane immediately after the hijacking and in the initial moment of the passengers breaching the cockpit had set it to hit in a town just eight miles from where I live in Mount Pleasant, Pa. It’s believed that, in the last act of heroism, one of the passengers killed the terrorist flying the plane and took control over it, pulling it up and causing it to miss Mount Pleasant altogether and giving it a few more minutes of flight time before landing in the middle of Shanksville. That was more lives saved by those passengers, because had the plane hit Mount Pleasant, many more lives would have been lost. Hitting homes, businesses and hospitals would have been unavoidable in that little town on top of a hill.

There’s still so much I don’t understand about that day and so much we don’t actually know about the crash of Flight 93, and never will, because we weren’t on that plane. We didn’t live inside of the last moments of their lives. Thinking back on this day, remembering the moments of the crash and knowing that I felt it, heard it and smelled it as those people lost their lives makes me cry. Though I was not there, it still remains just as emotional knowing that you felt someone lose their life while they saved the lives of countless others so bravely.

As a psychic medium, I have been asked numerous times over the years to go to the crash site, somewhere that I’ve never ventured. The hope is that I can talk to some of those souls who died so quickly and probably still find themselves at the site, confused. To date, it’s not something I’ve emotionally been able to do. I see things how they are when tragedy struck, not how they are now. I know if I make the decision to go up there I will see the wreckage, I will see the plane as it went down, and probably many other things I don’t want to see. When I mix those images with the memory of the sounds and smells from that day, I’m afraid I won’t emotionally be able to stand my ground. One day I do want to go up there and I do want to help the heroes of that day, but I need to know it won’t break me, because if it does, I won’t be helping anyway.

Since that day I’ve had a numerous variety of spirits come in and out of my home telling me their stories of how they lost their lives that day. This is something that still continues to this day and gets especially worse around this time of year. Often times, I find myself unable to function and filled with sadness during the first few weeks of September. One particular young girl, who has never uttered a word to me other than to tell me that she was a hero of Flight 93, continues to be a constant visitor around this time of year. From pictures I’ve seen of the heroes, I strongly believe she is the young girl who called her stepmother to say goodbye right before she and the other passengers breached the cockpit, but without her speaking to me, it’s not something I can prove. My hope is that all of these souls can find peace, and hopefully I can and have helped the ones who have come to me over the years. It’s been a struggle, but I refuse to think of the people on Flight 93 as victims, but only as the heroes that they are, because I believe this is the best and most accurate way to preserve their memory. They knew the likely outcome when they took over that plane and they selflessly chose to do it to save other lives.

We are and always have been one nation under God, and even in the darkest act of terrorism where the devil was present, I truly God has shown brighter in the heroes of September 11th, including those on Flight 93. Thank you to those heroes, for saving lives and putting yours on the line for others. You are everything to an entire nation and your sacrifices will never been forgotten and neither will you. As we all look back and remember this day in history, I find our nation remembering the acts of heroism more than the acts of terror. God and good will and has prevailed over that day through those heroes. You will be remembered.

I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In

You guys, I know I’ve been absent for awhile, but wait until I tell you everything that has been going on. I think I’m living inside of a secret soap opera and someone is forgetting to send me the paychecks. It’s been that insane. We need to back up a few months and just start this year over so I can tell you all of the insanity that’s been going on. This entails going back over some old posts and referencing them here so it all makes sense. Ready? Set? YES! This is going to be a really long post. Get in your pajamas, get something to eat, take a few naps. It’s on.

First, let’s go back and reference this post. Specifically the part about F. Also, let’s stop using fake names and misnomers, because it’s 2013, I’m a totally different person, and I’m over that. To do a quick recap, in case you don’t want to re-read that, my ex boyfriend Craig’s (Formerly known as The Boy.) best friend Eric (Formerly known as E.) was trying to set me up with his best friend from childhood, Josh (Formerly known as F.). Is this confusing yet? Does this sound like it’s going to tank? It’s going to get interesting.

Josh and I had been talking for about a month and a half before we even met. He and I had some false starts, but we went out and I really liked him. He is awkward, like me, and sweet and funny and just one of those people you automatically know you can trust. And, if we’re being honest, he is also absolutely gorgeous. Those of you who know me know that I’m demi-sexual and have long struggled with finding men attractive, as in it usually never happens, so this was all very delightful to me. I was nervous to go out with him, and I had never been nervous like that before. I almost bailed because I was so nervous, and it took four people to talk me out of not being a chicken shit. I was also apprehensive because I happened to look extremely similar to his ex girlfriend of whom he was with for awhile and really loved, and deep down part of me wondered if he was interested in me because he was still stuck on her and I reminded him of her. Everyone commented on how much we looked alike, so I had reasons to be slightly concerned knowing the story behind it, and I was being cautious because I was scared. I had been wanting a change for quite awhile, and my hair is actually graying at twenty-seven, which was hysterical until you realize I have almost black hair that grows really fast, so I was left to constantly redye it. With all this in mind, I decided to go to the salon before my date and get my hair dyed blonde. After everything I’ve been through, it seemed like a great new start, and it would cover my grays when my hair grew out because it would just look like part of the blonde. The hair color changed my look dramatically. Now I look like this and not at all like his ex anymore, and I love the look! It was the change I needed.

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The date was wonderful. We got along even better in person, which was a relief. I don’t do cute, and I got so cute over him. This came as a shock to me because of the mindset I had been in since the breakup. I hadn’t expected it. We clicked well and I was interested in getting to know him better. I smiled for days. But then the darkness took over, and the fear. I texted him and told him that I wanted to take things slow because I still didn’t know if I was over Craig, which led to a misunderstanding and left him not sure how to proceed. I got upset at him because I thought he was ignoring me, and all that was going on was that the poor guy wasn’t sure how to handle things when I said I wanted to take things slow. We got on track again and talked and I was sure to ask him all the important questions, like what he was looking for. I didn’t want to get into something with him since I liked him, only to find out we were looking for different things and get hurt. We both wanted the same things.

Then he stopped talking to me again. For a couple weeks. I tried to get a hold of him. I thought he was completely ignoring me and that I had done something. No, guys, I can’t just date someone. All this weird crap always has to happen to me. But wait, it gets weirder. I decided that since I liked him and it was so hard for me to like someone that I would I try one last ditch effort and message him on Facebook laying out how I’d like to date him, but if he wasn’t interested, please let me know and it’s no big deal. I had nothing to lose. By this time he had known what Craig had done to me – he had broken up with me and then just stopped talking to me and I never knew why. I had told Josh a good bit of personal things, which is rare for me. I didn’t think he would just ignore me out of nowhere knowing that, especially after I asked him not to, but it seemed to be happening. He did get back to me after that message was sent and told me he had been having issues with his vision and was waiting to have an MRI. I felt like a douchebag for thinking he was ignoring me. What’s new?

He ended up telling me he had a stroke several years back and they thought this was a residual effect from that. I also had a stroke. We bonded over this and over our medical issues, and I got close to Josh. It was obvious this was happening. I told him not to worry about things, and when he felt better we would go out on a date. And then I got sick. You guys, do you want to guess what happened? Yep, I started having vision problems. So there we were trying to figure out if they were related or not since we had both gotten sick after we were together, we had both had strokes, and we both were having similar problems. And I got closer to him. We had a few bumps over things, and I had some strange, erratic, unexplainable behavior with him, but he forgave me each time and was very good about it.

Then he dropped the bombshell, which is mentioned in this post. He didn’t think he could handle school and dating, so though I was under the impression he wanted a relationship, come September, it was likely we’d be done. I knew he was going away and the relationship would be long distance, and I had been very up front with him that I was fine with that. He wasn’t. I was very upset. It brought back so many things, including feeling as if I was being rejected and stirred everything up. I cried. I was so angry with because I felt he had been dishonest with me and never had any intention of having a serious relationship; that he should have told me this ahead of time so that I didn’t get emotionally attached, which I was by this point, because basically we’d end up together for several months, have enough time to develop serious feelings, and then the relationship would just end. I couldn’t handle that after everything I had been through. I was just shattered, not because Josh had done this, but just the culmination of everything. Also, Josh had been a huge factor in getting me over Craig. It wasn’t because I liked him so much, it was because he talked things out with me. I just need someone to say one thing for things to click and for me to be able to deal with a situation. Josh said that thing, because he paid attention, he had been there, and I am forever grateful for him for that.

I’d like to announce that Josh and I have since talked this out. I had initially told him we couldn’t be friends and we shouldn’t talk anymore, because I liked him and didn’t want to just be friends since I didn’t feel that way about him. I went a few days not talking to him, and that’s when I realized how close I had gotten to him and that I liked talking to him. I liked that we could talk about medical stuff because he would check on me and ask me how I was, but he wouldn’t pity me or baby me over it, and I needed that. I was also worried about him. So I caved, talked it out with him, and we were fine. I was still really disappointed, because every time we talk, or he asks me how I’m doing, I remember that I like him, want to be more than friends with him and why. But my life is better with him in it. He didn’t mean to lead me on, and after he had time to think about what he could handle, he realized that he couldn’t handle school and a relationship. He also realized that I had gotten close to him, and he was concerned because he didn’t know what to do with that. He knew I wanted to take things slow, yet we were getting close. Honestly, yes, he made a mistake, but I think I seriously confused him, too. He’s so adamant about not hurting me, though, that I think it’s confusing him and taking a bit of a toll on our relationship, because he’s afraid if I get close to him that he will hurt me. I understand that, and if that happens, it happens. I like being close to him.

Which brings us to now. I haven’t talked to him in almost three weeks, though I’ve texted him to check on him. When Eric texted him asking what doctors he went to, because I’m still sick and needed to find the same specialists he had already gone to, he answered Eric fairly quickly and said that he hoped that I was okay and everything worked out. There was a miscommunication about what I was asking for, so I texted Josh myself and clarified. I still haven’t heard from him. I don’t know if he’s really sick or what is going on. It may be his worry about getting close that is stopping him from getting back to me. I think this is his way of putting a wall up so no one gets hurt. I think this is just how he is. So I’m not going to dwell on it, but I hope we can still talk and be friends. I just hope he’s alright, because though his testing showed nothing serious, the last I had talked to him he still couldn’t see right, which also may be why he hasn’t texted me back. I also realize in this case it wasn’t really him. It was me. My strange, erratic and sometimes mean behavior was unfair to him, though he dealt with it so well and was so kind to me.

Now, through all of this, let’s back up to where I said I got sick. It started out with what I thought was a cold, and then it turned into this evil predicament. Whereas Josh seemed to be okay, I was not. I started to not be able to see right. Now my vision is permanently blurry when it comes to anything more than two feet in front of my face, so yes, I’m sitting right on top of my computer right now. I have a horrible pressure in my head. It’s not a headache, but it feels like someone is squeezing my head. My nose keeps bleeding. I’ve been dizzy, lethargic and keep falling over when I stand up. I literally can not stand for more than five minutes or I will just drop. I feel really weak. No medication is helping. This has been going on as it is now for about a month, and the vision problems for longer. I can’t sleep more than two hours at a time. And, as of yet, no one can figure out what’s going on. I have to stay sitting or laying down almost all the time until we figure it out, because we’re afraid of making whatever it is worse. Let me tell you folks, blurry television is really getting old.

I had an MRI of my brain, and while in the MRI I completely blacked out. I didn’t pass out, my vision just went completely black. I’ve had MRIs done before and this has never happened. I had to be checked into the emergency room, but unfortunately had a bad doctor who told me I was fine and released me when I obviously wasn’t. (Trust me, I’ve been in contact with the hospital over it.) Things just keep getting worse and worse. When the MRIs came back, it showed opacified sinuses. I thought we had the answer. I went to the specialist to find out that where they are opacified would cause none of these symptoms. The only thing we do know at this point from testing is that there is pressure on my brain. We don’t know why. We can’t figure out exactly what is causing it. There’s a serious concern that if we don’t figure out what’s going on really soon that it’s going to cause a bleed through an aneurysm or a hemorrhage from the pressure. I’m being sent to different specialists who can better read the MRIs and try and figure it out, so Monday I will start having those appointments.

This has been extremely scary for me, and I’ve been through enough medical stuff to not be frightened by it anymore. (This is when I miss talking to Josh. He’s good at calming me and making me feel not as afraid. Sigh. Yeah, guys, I kind of like this one. But sometimes it just can’t happen. It’s no one’s fault.) This scares me, and I know if things are bad, I’m going to have to have surgery. I’ve already thought long and hard, and it’s not something I’m willing to go through with. I’ve been through so many tests and procedures, and it’s going to be ongoing with my autoimmune disorder. There comes a point where things get to be too much and you realize you do have a choice. This may be a choice that ends unfavorably, but I know what I can and can’t handle. I have issues with the anesthesia. It’s very hard to get me to come out of it. It takes me days to completely feel right, in which time I can’t take care of myself and often fall when I try to get up. My mom works for herself, so she has to work. I don’t have anyone to sit with me after the surgery, and I can’t take another recovery alone. Plus, if I fall and hit my head, like I’ve done numerous times before, it could be detrimental depending on the surgery. Some people have thought I was trying to commit suicide by doing this, but I’m not. I just need to weigh my option and what I can handle. It’s a well though out decision. I could always change my mind.

On top of all of this, the doctors were able to tell from tests and the way things were swelling that this has been going on for nine months to a year. The pressure is reacting similarly to a brain tumor and is causing random outbursts and changes in my personality. Suddenly things made sense. The way I acted with Josh and I didn’t know why, it was from this. I also had times where I was so emotional when I was with Craig and didn’t know why. I kept saying, “This isn’t me,” but it was hard on him and I felt bad because I didn’t know why I was acting that way. Now I do. I’m on medications to help with the swelling. I’ve been able to think more clearly and haven’t had those outbursts since I’ve been on the medication, though sometimes I feel them coming on and really have to struggle to hold them back.

All of that should be stressful enough, but then things really took a strange turn. Now that I can think clearly, I realized that it was important to me to apologize to Craig over being hard on him and tell him what had gone on. Yes, the way he broke up with me was completely wrong, and we haven’t talked in the six months since, but I will never, ever say anything bad about him. Knowing what I’m facing and what could likely happen, it was important to me that Craig know this. It was important to have some kind of amends or closure on my end. I was initially going to contact Craig, but I knew he wouldn’t respond and I couldn’t handle that. I had decided to make a DVD to give to someone to give to him in case this all went to hell. This was that important to me.

Tuesday, I got a text from a random number I didn’t know. It was Craig. I haven’t talked to him since the breakup, and considering everything that happened, this was not only a huge shock to me, but it was emotional because I had wanted to talk to him for so long and just find out what happened. I never haven’t wanted Craig in my life. I’ve always hoped we could be friends, so it was a lot to handle right now, especially with what I was going through. It turns out Craig had been told about how sick I was, and that’s why he was texting me. He still cared, which was sweet. Then things got ugly. Before he even asked me what was going on, he flipped out on me and gave me four sentences about how I needed to get over him and that he would be here as a friend, but he couldn’t be here for me the way I wanted him to be. He was also flipping out over how I couldn’t kill myself because he wouldn’t get back together with me.

Wait. What?

WHAT?!

I am over Craig. I’ve been over Craig. I’ve dated, I’ve liked someone, it didn’t work out, I found another date, etc. I don’t want to get back together with him, though I’d like to have him in my life. As far as getting back together with him goes, that’s not even on the table. There’s not a table to put that on. We are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together. (Good!) I am both Taylor and Grumpy Cat in this scenario.

photo

I still care for Craig very deeply. He was a very special part of my life, and he always will be very special to me. Just because I don’t want a relationship with him, doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean the world to me. But, as you can imagine, this caused quite the fight, so now we’re not talking again. Which is sad, because he said about him being here for me as a friend, and I was looking forward to that. Before this caused a fight, however, I did get to say everything I needed to say to him and he accepted it. I’ve left everything with Craig that I needed to, and though I spent the following day bawling my eyes out, I was also able to find out why he did what he did as far as our breakup, and why his mother acted the way toward me that she did. I finally have closure. The saddest thing, and the one thing that I may never be able to deal with completely is that when I talked to him, I realized I was talking to a stranger. He wasn’t the same person I fell in love with anymore. There were glimpses of that person, but that person I loved so much was gone. It’s devastating.

As for why Craig flipped out at me? It turns out it’s not his fault at all, so I’m refusing to be mad at him, and I even made sure he knew that. One night, while very upset and scared, I had told Eric that I had something to tell Craig, and asked him if he would tell Craig what I needed to tell him if something happened to me. I also said a lot of other, unrelated things. Well, somehow Eric thought I wanted him to ask Craig to talk to me, which I didn’t, and then mixed all the other things together and thought they were about Craig. What he ended up telling Craig is that I was going to kill myself if he didn’t get back together with me. I was never killing myself and had never said anything like that, but Eric thinks since I will refuse surgery that I’m trying to commit suicide, and when mixing everything else I said together, thought I was saying I wanted back together and I wanted Craig here, and if he wasn’t then I definitely wouldn’t have the surgery. That wasn’t even similar to what I said, and Craig never had any weight on if I’d have surgery or not, or how I would handle my medical issues. I really just wanted to tell him something. That was all. So, as you can imagine, Eric and I are on thin ice right now and have had to have a talk about this, but this is something that I don’t know I’m going to be able to let go. The whole thing was just out of line and what got back to Craig wasn’t even remotely similar to what I had said, and it was clear Craig was very upset by it and was really upset that I was going to kill myself. I really didn’t need to have all of this drama on top of how sick I am, and I didn’t need to think maybe Craig and I could be in each other’s lives only to fight with him again. There was no reason this had to end this way, and I think had he not been told what he was, it wouldn’t have. It’s just always going to be a sad situation.

As if that wasn’t enough, I was supposed to go out on a date tonight. I ended up only getting three hours of sleep and waking up really sick, as in, hey, I live in the bathroom now kind of sick. I let my date know this morning that it was possible I may not be able to make it tonight, and when I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to go, I let him know well before the date. I apologized profusely and asked him if we could reschedule. And you know what he said to me? “It seems like you have a lot going on right now. I canceled plans with my friends for you. Maybe we should just be friends.”

Uh, what? He never asked me if I was okay, he just decided to be a childish jerk about the situation. To boot, he was the one who picked the day for us to go out, so no, I’m not buying that he canceled plans with friends for the date. If he did, he’s still the one who picked the day, so that’s his own damn fault. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s people who pull this shit, trying to make me feel bad for being sick and then putting me down for canceling and throwing me into the friends category. He also doesn’t know what’s going on in my life, so to say I have a lot going on was just a slap in the face. It’s like throwing a hissy fit because you didn’t get what you wanted, because I got sick and that was out of my control, which was exactly what this was because he kept telling me how excited he was for tonight. If you want me to throw up all over you, fine, I’ll come on the date.

The first time Josh and I tried to go out, he got called into work and decided to go in because he needed the money. That was fine. We rescheduled and things went great. Good for him for being a hard working man. This guy saying what he said to me would have been like me saying to Josh, “Hey, you made plans for our date first and it’s optional that you take this extra shift. Tell them you can’t come in.” It’s crazy and stupid and completely immature. When I nicely called him on it, he decided to flip out at me and express to me that I had issues for being upset and that he wasn’t throwing anything back on me and on and on. He told me I was weird and flaky with him. (Apparently asking him to reschedule is flaky now-a-days. I can’t keep up with these newfangled dating rules.) Then he brought up the one night he asked me to go out with him, as in he said, hey, can I come get you right now, in the middle of a snowstorm and I told him I couldn’t. Not only was it not safe, but I live on a very back road in the middle of nowhere, and when it snows like that, you can’t get on and off our road at all. Even though I explained this to him, he still kept telling me he could make it down my road and I was just making excuses to not see him. Now he was trying to turn that around and tell me that that was proof I didn’t want to see him, and I had problems.

I’ve had issues with him in the past, including him saying extremely sexual and inappropriate stuff to me. Because he had just gone through an awful breakup and was still messed up from it, and I understood that, I let it go and he didn’t do it again, so I figured it would be okay. People make mistakes. When the issue occurred where he argued with me about not wanting to see him because our road was bad and there was a snowstorm outside, I should have really, REALLY taken the hint. But I tend to give people too many chances. The behavior put together just shows how childish he is, and it’s almost to the point of being scary. It made me wonder, if he could get this upset over me being sick, what else he was capable of? He was taking me being sick and me not being able to get out of my road as me rejecting him, and that’s never going to be a good or stable relationship, because there’s signs there that something else is going on. Unfortunately, he’s also my friend’s cousin. I don’t know how this is going to go, though she did have a talk with him when he got extremely sexual with me. (Which, he also tried to tell me I was into it. Apparently me not responding and telling him several times to stop and that I was not that kind of girl means that I was into it. I should have known. Shame on me now.)

I doubt I’m out of the woods on all the crazy in my life. Like I needed more drama. I feel like I’ve been put through an unbelievable amount of stuff this week alone, far more this year. If this wasn’t my life, I wouldn’t believe it. Aunt Bev always tells me I should make a novel out of the actual things that happen to me, but no one would believe it and I could sell it as a fiction novel. She has a point.

You Should Have Known

Many of you reading this know me in some way. You know that I am typically a very sweet girl who gets along with almost everyone, is never angry and is quick to forgive. I go out of my way to be completely up front with others, step in when they need me, and never hurt anyone. Which is why I want to send this message to everyone and hope they will pass it on.

I have been doing a lot of smiling when all I’ve felt for the last six months is empty and a pain inside of me that leaves me paralyzed and unable to get out of bed most days, but I hide it. I have never been like this in twenty seven years. I went through a breakup last September that almost destroyed me. I thought he was it for me. He brought up marriage and kids first and on his own – in a year and a half for marriage and two for kids, to be exact. The next time I saw him, he broke up with me and then stopped talking to me completely. I never knew why; I doubt I ever will. It broke everything in me. I lost my other half. To make it worse, I was going through cancer testing at the time and needed him. He was the only person I wanted by my side, even if it was just as a friend. I struggled alone, because I am alone ninety nine percent of the time.

It took me four months, but I started to heal, and in the time between met a really gentle and kind guy. He told me he was tired of relationships that didn’t go anywhere and wanted one that did. He told me he wanted to be married in around four years. He’s going to another state for school in the fall for four years, but there was nothing that he said that indicated he didn’t want to make this work between us. He got extremely sick and I was the first one to jump in and try to help, going out of my way to call doctors at home to try and help get him in with them, even though I was quite sick myself.

Today I found out, via some texts he sent to a friend, that he never had any intentions of dating me through school or having a serious relationship. He lied to me, but he waited to show that lie until I had already gotten emotionally invested in him. All of that work I did over those four months broke down, and I’m in a worse place than I was six months ago, when it all started. On top of this, I find myself extremely sick again with no official diagnosis or seemingly no way out, having also had a nervous breakdown on top of being sick over all of this, and I know things could get bad.

The point is, don’t lie to someone. Don’t lead them on. Don’t make promises to them or bring up serious things that you can’t commit to and don’t mean. Always be honest up front and you will be respected. Moms, teach your sons and daughters this, because it is the most important lesson to learn. One lie, one little piece of information you hold back, could become crucial in someone else’s life. You don’t know what someone else has been through, or how hard they’re struggling just to hold on. You don’t know how one little thing could break them, or make them want to commit suicide, or depress them into a place they can’t get out of, or leave them crying hysterically and on pills just to sleep. Don’t do it. Ever. If you do you are nothing but an asshole and you do not deserve to be treated nicely or with respect, so don’t be surprised and act like the victim when someone calls you out. You deserve it. You should have known.

The Leather Bracelet Debacle of 2012

There is absolutely no adventure too big or trouble too small for my sixty something year old Aunt Bev and myself to get into. Over the years, we’ve had to sneak something back into the store and place it back on the shelf without getting caught after it hopped in Aunt Bev’s purse and she accidentally stole it, have timed our days out perfectly with the days where the weather people say the weather is good but it basically turns into a tornado in a hell storm in zero to four seconds once we are at the furthest point from home, and almost got kicked out of a restaurant. Today, however, topped mostly all of our adventures, even ones to the computer store. The age difference never seems to impair us from getting into trouble.

The day started off innocently enough. For us it was so normal that we knew something was about to go down. Our first inclination of this was that we left the house. Don’t get me wrong, we can get in trouble all by ourselves in her living room, but as soon as we both set one foot outside of the door, it’s on. The universe is prepared for us. The gloves have come off. We made it to Applebee’s alright, but it began and ended there.

Let me just start by saying that we were doomed from the beginning by no fault of our own. We were saddled with a waiter that seemed to have no clue Aunt Bev was at the table. I mean, he noticed her long enough to realize he had to take her order, but he never once, no matter what, looked at her. Every time he talked, he looked at me. As you can imagine, this caused me a great deal of laughter, which forced Aunt Bev to launch into a scenario about how she thought he was hitting on me but was trying to figure out if she was my mom or not and how appropriate it was. Now, every time the waiter came back, I had to pretend like I didn’t think this was hysterical and hold in my laughter. He barely got out of ear shot when I would lose it again. We are not cut out for getting hit on.

I think the waiter decided we were a bit unusual and that he should leave us alone out of being terrified by us, which is when the real fun began. At this point she decides to regal me with a story about how she was asked to Christmas dinner with her friends. She accepted, piled into their car, and then was informed that they had to go pick up a man named Sam. Immediately she saw where this was going. There was no way out of it, so she tried to act like nothing was out of the ordinary. Then, they got to the restaurant. They were eating at a buffet. Many bad first date stories occur around buffets, so, as you can imagine, accidental first date stories are no different. This guy proceeds to pile several plates with shrimp, but only eat half of the shrimp. No, I don’t mean he ate half of the number of shrimp on his plate, but that he ate half of a shrimp and moved on to the next one. Then, in a buffet full of fancy and expensive foods, he decides to eat two sandwiches. As Aunt Bev would say, “Hello! Are you stupid?” After this lovely display, he sits back, pats his stomach, says he’s done and belches. First and last accidental date for her. I laughed so hard I started to cry a little.

Next, we went to Target, which was no better of an idea. We only made it through about five minutes of being in the store before things got ridiculous. Aunt Bev left her cart to go and grab some food, and I stayed with it. I never moved, but I was getting ready to since she was taking awhile and I was worried about what happened to her. I don’t know if I thought she really could get lost in Target or not, but I didn’t want to find out. When she finally came back, this conversation occurred.

Aunt Bev: “Where did you go? I couldn’t find you!”

Me: “I never l moved from where you left me.”

Aunt Bev: “Oh, well I looked everywhere for you!”

Except, of course, for in the aisle she left me. Again, I laughed so hard I almost cried.

Then we hit the wrapping paper aisle. Surprisingly enough, we hit no one with wrapping paper. Trust me, I’m as shocked about it as you are. We ended up with oodles of wrapping paper and ridiculous Christmas cards and, of course, a debacle. Because we can’t pick wrapping paper. We’re women, and we don’t know what we want. It took us way too long to decide between wrapping papers, and in the end I ended up with nine rolls. The cards are a whole other ridiculous story. I now own three boxes.

Without further incident, we took ourselves out of the public eye where we were less likely, but not entirely devoid of opportunities, to get in trouble. Us behaving lasted a few hot seconds after we decided to open Christmas presents. Aunt Bev, knowing my love for Taylor Swift, ordered me this necklace and these earrings off her website. Because Taylor Swift’s website is as incredible as her, they sent this bracelet for free. There was just one problem, I could not figure out how to put it on. Taylor’s tutorial video would have been helpful, except this bracelet had double writing on it and if I followed her video I would be tying the writing in a knot and you’d never see it. The only issue is, it didn’t seem to work any other way. Long story short, it took me an hour to figure out how to do this:

Bracelet

I’ll be wearing this thing to my casket because of that.

Once we composed ourselves and pretended like all of that didn’t really happen, the cats started to come around in light of the crazy lady wrapping up yelling at an inanimate object. Cats keep showing up at Aunt Bev’s and she keeps getting them their shots, spayed or neutered, and takes them in instead of dropping them at a shelter. However, it’s becoming increasingly expensive and she’s going poor doing this, not to mention that she’s becoming the crazy cat lady. Then, very seriously, she looks at me and goes, “I can’t afford to keep spaying the cats I keep finding. I should take them to Animal Friends and say I found the cat, let them spay and neuter the cat and give it its shots for free, and then pay 70 bucks and buy the cat back. It would be cheaper.” I wonder if she’s on to something. I joke, I joke. So does she.

When we composed ourselves, she asked me if she had ever told me about the guy whose last name was Handler. His name was Richard, but he went by Dick. I’m just going to leave you to think about that.

Begin Again

Time is a hell of a teacher.

There’s questions I’ve wanted and needed answers to for awhile; reasons I couldn’t move on, but instead spent my time beating myself up and wondering what I could have done better and differently, and how I could have been more fair. It crushed me and it broke me, because I don’t do well with the unknown. I never have. And I never thought I’d have the answers as to why what was done was done.

Sometimes time is the best teacher, and often times all it teaches you is to be patient. Fate does the rest. There are people that are placed in your path to get you through the tough times, but they’re never the people you expect.

I’ve mentioned my tough time in various previous posts. What I vaguely touched on was that, in the mess of all of this, there was an innocent person that I thought had been ungracefully shoved in the middle of this situation without a choice. This person would be The Boy’s best friend, who I will call E, because I can’t remember if I previously revealed his identity before. I know I revealed The Boy’s, but I’m going back to calling him that, because I’m not in an otherwise place here and now.

Anyway, E is The Boy’s best friend from childhood. They grew up together. I didn’t know E until The Boy and I were together, and I only knew him about a month when The Boy and I broke up, having only met him once briefly and spent time with him once within a group after that. We had become friends, though, having Facebook friended each other, texted, and talked on the phone. He knew how much I loved The Boy.

What I haven’t mentioned is that The Boy, as sweet and amazing as he was, had some issues with relationships. As in, he didn’t know how to be in one. Sometimes I had to turn to E for advice on how to handle situations, and I really did try to help The Boy with his insecurities. So when The Boy and I broke up, it was natural for E to become the one who heard both sides of the story, seeing as he was there to help me help The Boy through the relationship, and help The Boy help himself. E was wonderful and kind and wanted to see The Boy succeed in a serious relationship, so he was willing to help while were in one. What I didn’t foresee was the help he would provide for me once we weren’t anymore.

This isn’t going where you think it is.

E was there to listen to me when the chips had scattered everywhere without my permission. He had tried to help me a million ways to Sunday, but I couldn’t be helped. Nothing anyone said was helping. E tried. But I think the things that confused me the most were the following.

E did two separate things that seemed to contradict each other after the breakup, and then another thing that just lost me from point one. Remember, E is The Boy’s best friend from childhood. But E listened to me and told me that I hadn’t done anything wrong. He told me that this wasn’t my fault, it was just a choice The Boy had made, though he believed it was the wrong choice, and that it was no reflection on me. It was always weird to me. Shouldn’t he not want to hear my side? I didn’t know him until The Boy and I were dating. Shouldn’t he be taking The Boy’s side? Shouldn’t he be telling me I did something wrong, since The Boy was the one who broke up with me and surely seemed to think so? But he never did. Not once.

Then came the part that contradicted itself. E and his long time girlfriend hadn’t been able to make my birthday party, so we had decided on getting together at his place the Thursday after. (He actually told his girlfriend, and she was prepared for me to come. Most people just play it by ear these days. It was so nice.) I was so depressed about The Boy that I felt weird seeing E, but after having a bunch of blood pulled and not being able to drive over and hour home and his house being right down the road, I ended up there. While I was there, he was trolling Facebook and happened to pull up the profile of one of his friends and say, “I have to introduce you to this guy. He’s weird, like you……You know how I meant that.” I am weird, I own it, I love it, so yes, I did know how he meant that. I was flattered, if you want to know the truth.

At the time, I didn’t think much of it or really care, but in the interest of being honest, the friend was pretty cute. Days passed, and I went in and out of a depression over The Boy. In that time, I had casually mentioned to E that he should introduce me to his friend. I don’t know what I was thinking really. I don’t think I was. I liked the idea of trying to move on, but really, I wasn’t ready because I didn’t have the answers I needed. The last thing I needed to do was get entangled with The Boy’s best friend’s friend, right? The whole situation was just beyond normal and more or less what I imagine rednecks who marry their cousins do.

Then, in the height of my depression, about three weeks back or so, E tells me he talked to his friend and his friend would like to talk to me. He had also mentioned that his friend, who we will call F for friend (Welcome to elementary school, my dears.), had his heart broken and shattered and torn up a few years back and was pretty much in the same emotional position that I was. It was now pretty obvious E wanted us to date, not that he didn’t throw in, “If you fell for someone, like F,” a half million times in the conversation and in conversations after that to make it obvious. I really didn’t know how I felt about this, but in an attempt to not tick anyone off since I was technically the one who said I wanted to talk to F and I valued E’s friendship, especially when I found out that E was actually also childhood friends with F and had known him longer than The Boy, I decided to go along with it. More about this later, because I know this sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen, but this is also not going where you think it is.

In the midst of all this insanity that was swirling around one very lonely, confused, angry and hurt girl, E tells me to keep my heart open for the possibility of The Boy and I working things out. But wait, didn’t he just try to set me up with his friend and hint to me in the most obvious way that it actually wasn’t even hinting anymore that he would like to see me fall for F and he thought we were well matched together? So why would he want to set me up with his closest friend of his entire lifetime, but tell me to keep my heart open for The Boy? I didn’t know if I was going left or right, so I decided to just throw myself headfirst into the situation, hit a wall, watch it crash and burn badly, hit rock bottom, and then decide to take Taylor Swift’s advice of not really being able to know who you are until you lose who you are. In my mind I saw flames and no firetrucks, chaos and no cops, yelling with no resolution.

I began to talk to F. I didn’t really know if I wanted to, but I did it because I didn’t want to be a jerk or let anyone down. F really didn’t talk back for a few days, and when he did, he didn’t say much. I mentioned to E that I thought F was shy, and sure enough, he was. Shy people have a history of not doing well with me, except for the one anomaly with the kid I used to work with of who was so shy he couldn’t even talk to a girl, but after three months we were friends and he had his first girlfriend. But that’s another story. Really, at that point, I decided I wasn’t interested in F and would just be cordial and nice and not lead him on since he knew that he was talking to me with the idea that E thought we would both really like each other and should see if there was chemistry and maybe date. I would just let it fizzle out, then I wasn’t a jerk and E wasn’t mad. I hadn’t been interested in getting into anything with anyone anyway with as heartbroken as I was, so his shyness seemed like a way out.

Somehow, something in my gut told me to try with F one more time and see if he was more responsive, and if he wasn’t, to go with the original plan. I’ve learned in life that my gut always knows stuff I don’t know and is always right, so I begrudgingly did it. There was just this feeling from the moment E mentioned us talking that we needed to talk, that we could maybe help each other. With him being so heartbroken and me being so heartbroken and us being able to understand that language, my gut told me not to look for a way out. I once heard that when the way you normally would react to things doesn’t work, react differently. Instead of listening to my head, I reacted differently and tried one last time.

But, before I did any of this, I was careful to check with E to make sure that F wasn’t a good friend of The Boy’s, because I was well aware that if E grew up and went to school with F, so had The Boy, which means they would have all been friends. I didn’t want a bad situation and I certainly don’t want to hurt The Boy by seeing if dating one of his friends could work. I know how hurt I’d be if he dated one of mine, especially when you had the kind of relationship that we did, the one that was serious and kind and sweet and like you see in all the annoying Christmas movies that happen overnight and you think can’t happen; let me tell you they can. The Boy hadn’t talked to F since high school, which was seven years ago, so I was clear, and even though it was weird having his best friend try to set us up, I was honored that he liked me enough to want me to try with his best and closest friend, considering he only knew me from dating his other best friend, of whom broke up with me. I never understood why he would do that either.

This time when I contacted F, he started talking back more. I even invited him to a hockey game and he said he’d like to go. Knowing how shy he was, that was far more than I thought I would get out of him, especially since we haven’t talked all that much. In doing this, I found out something. F is nice. Not just normal, run of the mill nice. Really, genuinely nice. Like, the boy everyone wants and Taylor Swift sings songs about falling in love with nice. In twenty-seven years I’ve never had a guy ask me about myself unless it was for selfish reasons and he wanted something. F asked me about myself, and he actually wanted to hear the answer. He meant it. Take it from me, that alone is near impossible to find in a guy. And I started to figure out why E had told me he thought we would go well together and how serious and right he was when he said F was nice, and that maybe we would fit together.

The still didn’t mean I was ready to try again, and knowing that F was two years out of a relationship and I wasn’t even three months, I was cautious about how to handle this. Then, E and I got to talking a few days ago. He kept telling me to fight for love, that it was worth it, and I yet again, reacted differently, confessing to E that I was stuck. I didn’t feel like love was worth it. I felt like I had done something to The Boy to make him break up with me so suddenly when the last time I had seen him we were so happy and perfect and talking about our future. He said after the breakup that he wanted to try again, and then he stopped talking to me the situation just spiraled and I had never understood what I had done. And, God help me, I was still in love with him. That’s when E, and time, provided me with the best information I could have gotten; the information I needed to hear. I credit time with this too, because had I heard this information any earlier, I would have been torn apart and waited for The Boy, instead of seeing it as closure and a way to move on. I also credit F here a little, because no one has ever been so genuinely nice to me as he has, and if this had been anyone else I was talking to, I wouldn’t be able to think of moving on, because I didn’t think anyone could be nicer to me, though he was a bit aloof, than The Boy.

In this conversation and in this moment, all the things that contradicted themselves made sense; E wanting to set me up with his closest friend after his other good friend had broken up with me and him only knowing me through him, him telling me to keep my heart open for The Boy one day, and him also trying to set me up with his closest friend though he told me this. (Whew. Is anyone else hanging on for dear life in Confusionville, Population You, yet?) The answer to the biggest question I had was answered. I finally had my why. Why did someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with and thought he could see it too leave and then ignore me?

The answer was so simple. He wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. He was starting grad school and struggling. He did legitimately, fingers crossed, hand to God want to be with me. He just couldn’t handle it. He fought between staying with me and trying to make it work, but ultimately knew he would just be breaking my heart in the long run because he wasn’t ready. I understood this. I had been there with Friend, in that very place, and I chose not to get involved with him because of that. The Boy handled everything wrong, but his reasons were valid. And with this reasoning, I was also directly told by E that this wasn’t my fault. He felt I was good to The Boy, hence why he was more than happy to set me up with his closest friend, and that I hadn’t screwed him over or done anything wrong. I had truly tried with him, and the breakup wasn’t my fault. It was just bad timing, and had we been together later in life when The Boy was out of grad school and ready for a serious relationship, we would have worked, hence him telling me to leave a piece of my heart open just in case things with F and I don’t work out and The Boy finds himself at my door a few years down the road. The funny thing about this was that everyone had long predicted The Boy and I would end up together in the long run because of our chemistry and this fairy tale, movie like relationship that we have that hardly anyone gets to experience; something that is real.

Knowing all of this validated that what I felt was real, and that The Boy had felt it too. He wasn’t faking it. He did care. I had started to wonder after he had stopped talking to me, but now I knew. It also let everything fall into place and made things make sense. It made me be able to let go of the anger I held toward The Boy. It made me understand things, and know I had done nothing wrong, and that The Boy didn’t feel I had either. In my heart I felt like I was just going to hurt someone else because, when The Boy started to ignore me, I felt like I had done something horrible to him without knowing it and thinking I had been good to him. Now I knew I hadn’t. Now I knew all the hard work I had put into us had really been right and good. I hadn’t tried for nothing, because The Boy had no hard feelings toward me. He just didn’t know how else to break off the situation without falling back into a serious relationship with me when he wasn’t ready for one and putting us into a bad circle, than to ignore me. He was doing it for the same reason that I’ve long said if he contacted me, that I didn’t know if I could talk to him. We both knew we’d fall back together. We fell together without trying the first time, because we just had that chemistry, and we would do it a thousand more times until it bleeds and hurts and causes imminent scars and wounds. And the bad things he said to my friend about me? He did it hoping it would get back to me and I wouldn’t want to talk to him so he could forget me. It was an awful, terrible, childish way to deal with this, but now that I understood how he was dealing with this and why, I could move on.

Truth be told, I’m not over him. I don’t think I ever will be, but now I can at least let go and try to move on and let things be what they are. I don’t feel depressed anymore. I don’t feel like I can’t breathe without the pain hitting me in the heart and shattering it to pieces. I still cry because I miss him, and I realize that in trying to get over this, I’ve forgotten all of the good things about us and tried to bury them so I could deal with things, which was no more right or mature than how The Boy was dealing with things. And, last night, I even found myself asking my friend to make sure I remember what we had; that those things you see in all the Christmas movies where people meet and immediately connect, that feeling is so real. It can happen. Because that’s what I want to remember about us, and though it will probably always make me cry to remember that, I need to remember that something real and right can happen. I need to believe in love. I didn’t before him, but now that I know something like that exists, I need to remember, not forget.

Do I think I will ever have the connection and the chemistry that I had with The Boy again? I know that I won’t. We just met and that was it. It was instantaneous. Do I think I’ll ever love someone the way that I did him? No. I know better. But when you add all of that up, I don’t know if I should. I didn’t think with him. I never took a second to wonder if he was exactly what I wanted, and if the lifestyle he lived was one I wanted to be part of. I just dove in, because the chemistry and feelings are there. I’d do it again in a heartbeat, over and over, because it was right and good. I’d marry him tomorrow if he asked. It was always meant to be that way. And I don’t know if I actually want to get married ever. After the feelings, when they’re there, everything else can be figured out with something like we had. But when it all comes crashing down, the regret, the questions, the logical side of your brain, it crashes too.

This time, going into things, I’m taking things slow and logically. I’m thinking about what I want and need, knowing that I’m never going to crash into a force as strong as The Boy again, so I can afford to think logically. What comes most surprisingly to me is that I am willing to give F a chance, because he’s just so nice and solid and has a grownup job with a grownup life and is mature and sweet and understands where I’m coming from and I get him. There’s interest there, for me anyway, so it’s worth giving it a shot, even if I’m not over The Boy. But I never really will be.

I’m cautious. I’m not a stupid girl. I know that, if something were to happen, I’m treading on treacherous ground here. The Boy and I are still linked through E the same way F is. There will be birthday parties and celebrations, and eventually The Boy and I will end up in the same place, in the same room, in the same space, at the same time. And, if I happen to be with F, then things have to be handled carefully. The Boy always told me to find someone who could make me happy, because I deserved that. That doesn’t mean The Boy wants to see it, just like I wouldn’t want to see him with someone, no matter who it is. And I always feel like we will look at each other and just know, but have to walk away. This is made harder knowing that he grew up with the boy I would be with. And it’s going to sting. But I also realize they aren’t friends anymore and that I can be nice and cautious and make sure I don’t date anyone he’s friends with as not to hurt him, but I can’t so cautious as to not give someone he knew a long time ago a chance just because it might confuse him. I have to give myself a chance too. And this is why you always think ahead and of the what ifs. You have to prepare yourself and be prepared, because anything can happen. Maybe it just will.

“I think…I think when it’s all over it just comes back in flashes, you know. It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories, but it just all comes back. But he never does.

I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It’s not really anything he said, or anything he did. It was the feeling that came along with it, and crazy thing is, I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel that way again. But I don’t know if I should.

I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright. But I just thought, how can the Devil be pulling you towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?

Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him. It was losing me.

I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are. “ – Taylor Swift

Tutorial Treats: The Frugal Girl Makeover

Hi, all! I know I’ve been going on about this awesome makeup tutorial that I had done that is actually fairly average at best, but shows frugal ways to do awesome things to your face. (No one ever said I wasn’t direct and that it didn’t make me sound funny.) Today is the day that I will finally get to reveal it to you all. But first, I must tell you all a little about today. (Did you ever notice that there’s nearly always a “but first” with me?)

Today, I went on an adventure to Oglebay’s and then to Cabela’s. Look, rule of thumb, if it’s out of state it’s an adventure. My adventures lie (The world lie always reminds me of the I Lie On a Whale Cake. It’s safer not to ask.) in my work as a psychic medium, so compared to that, nothing else seems very adventurous. I took a ton of pictures like a freaking tourist. Oglebay’s looked like something straight out of a Christmas movie. If one decided to film there, they wouldn’t even have to redecorate. Cabela’s is just full of all kinds of awesome outdoor things, including real taxidermy animals and an aquarium. Because I took so many pictures, I will have to split the post about this adventure up into two separate post, so look out for that in the coming days.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. And by all, I mean one person, maybe two, but just play along with me. It makes me happy, and if a woman ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. (Changer her mind and change the world.) Anyway, it took me two separate videos to get all of my rambling in. I also have made the videos so they’re not openly viewable to all users and you can only find them if you have a link to them, which I will provide you in this blog. I simply did this because I’m unsure of how my tutorials will go over. If they fly like a champ, I’ll make them searchable, so feel free to let me know what you all think.

The Frugal Girl’s Guide: Makeup Tutorial Treats Part 1

A little more about this video: First and foremost, I really do apologize to my cats. 364 days of the year, they just want to lounge around and go unnoticed. The day I filmed this was the odd day out when they all decided they wanted to be stars with big movie contracts. Clearly, I haven’t had the YouTube “talk” with them yet. I apologize for them since all they say is “meow, meow, meow” and then the occasional hiss rings out.

I just kind of want to reiterate the point of this video, in case my incessant rambling didn’t get it across. I’m really just trying to show y’all a nice, cheap, easy way to do quick makeup with the materials you have, instead of having you go out and buy things and spend an hour in the bathroom. I know these videos aren’t going to seem like the process was quick, but I redid the makeup again today and it took me around 12 minutes for the entire look. Not to shabby for glamorous, right?

As promised, here is the link to DiamondsandHeels14’s YouTube channel. I can not express how amazing she is. I speak of her in this video, and then use one of her tutorials in my next video. I just want to make it clear that I am, in no way, attempting to do a tutorial on her tutorial. I’m simply using her tutorial to do my makeup. I’m also showing you how to get the same look if you can’t afford the proper materials, though I highly suggest following her channel and using the proper materials, but I’m one broke girl, which leads me to be frugal, and I like to share in the frugal tips. If she happens to see my videos and I offend her in any way, I will take the videos right on down if she asks, because the last thing I want to do is offend her.

In case anyone is wondering, I don’t suggest a shampoo and conditioner because everyone’s hair is different and everyone needs something different out of those two items. However, below are links to the products that I mentioned in the video that I swear by in case you’re interested in buying them, in the order that they appear in the video.

Clean and Clear Deep Action Cream Cleanser

Clean and Clear Blackhead Clearing Scrub

Garnier Fructis XXL Volumizing Thickening Mousse Extreme (I can’t imagine how this wouldn’t be unisex.)

Sorry, guys, but I can’t find the hair gel I use anymore, so I would next suggest a pomade such as Redken Wax Shine Pomade. Use a low number, such as three or four, so your hair doesn’t get stiff, but simply pieces out more when styling.

Garnier Moisture Rescue Refreshing Gel Cream (Seriously, go to Target or Wal-Mart and buy this. It runs around six bucks. I have no idea why it’s so expensive online.)

CO Bigelow NO. 1055 Extra-Light Oil-Free Face Lotion (You can get this at mostly any Bath and Body Works stores. It’s very difficult to find online, however.)

The Frugal Girl’s Guide: Makeup Tutorial Treats Part 2

Here is the tutorial that I used from DiamondsandHeels14 for the Taylor Swift 2011 CMA look. Again, I’m not trying to steal her tutorial or do a tutorial on her tutorial. I’m simply showing you the transformation in it and cheaper ways to do it if you don’t have and cant afford the proper materials. If you can, please follow her instructions. She also has an amazing tutorial on there for if you have acne. I swear to kitten pajamas if I could find it that I would link you to it, but she has so many videos and I’m so very tired. But plunder through her channel and you will find it there. It is gauranteed not to disappoint.

As for the products I used in this, I’m not going to link you back to most of them, because my makeup is a little older than it should be and they don’t sell some of those compacts anymore. What I will show you is what powder I was using that also doubled as a hig lighter and tripled as a contour. For the powder, I use Physicians Formula Multi-Color in Buff. You should use whatever color compliments your complexion best. As for the touch of bronzer that I added on my own, I use Physicans Formula Shimmer Strips in Vegas Strip. (Vegas owns my heart, so the fact that this matches my skin tone makes me cheery.) Again, use whatever color matches your skin tone best.

If you have any questions, please ask. I will soon be posting a video about my experience in this makeup and how it was perceived, how I felt in it, and if I got any dates. (The answer to the last one is no. Are you shocked? I’m like the Forever Alone meme; incredibly single.) For now, here are a few more pictures of the final look, but first is a picture of me completely bare-faced that you haven’t seen so that you can get the full spectrum idea of how awesome this makeup really is. (Thanks, DiamondsandHeels14! You’re amazing!)