The Return of Crazy Bed Lady

Y’all, remember the crazy Craigslist lady who wanted my bed? She was the one that I told you all about in this post? She did the unexpected and, instead of telling me she couldn’t get the bed if I didn’t meet her with it, therefore ending the conversation, she decided to do something much ruder. She told me she was going to see if the furniture fit in her van and get back to me, and even though I asked her if she obtained the amount of money I was asking for the bed and reiterated that I would not take what she was offering, she never answered me. I knew something was up. That was three weeks ago. I heard not a peep from her and felt all the relief that Shaun White felt when the Olympics were over, he went home, and people stopped giving him constant shit.

Then she emailed me again tonight.

Cue the horror movie music now.

She asked me if I still had the bed. I told her I did. I about face palmed a million face palms, because I knew she was going somewhere out of this world stupid with this. After all, wasn’t she supposed to be getting back to me about it fitting in her van? I gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe things happen and she was really busy these past three weeks and hadn’t had a chance to take measurements until now. I told her I did still have the bed. I knew I shouldn’t have. I totally knew better, you guys, because I could feel it in my butt, which is bigger than my gut and more accurate, that this was going south of the Equator in four seconds flat.

As expected, she emailed me back, but again asked me if I would take way less than what I was asking for the bed. We had been over this. I was done going over this with her. I had told her point blank I would not take that for the bed before, end of discussion. At least it would have been for normal, sane and polite people. We’ve established this woman possesses none of these qualities, so she chose to play the “I don’t remember talking to you before,” card. This was more entertaining than two snails racing each other after accidentally falling into a puddle of Jagermeister, because she had emailed me by replying to a previous email I had sent her.

At this point I was over the entire situation. I had played nice with her through a dozen emails, the run around, and a whole lot of dumb, but as I had always known but hadn’t had proof of until just this second, she knew exactly what she was doing. I politely told her that she had replied to a previous email and knew we had talked, and she also knew that I had clearly told her I would not take the price she was offering for the bed. I was in no hurry to get rid of the bed and would prefer to give it plenty of time to sell in clear weather, when the roads aren’t constantly being shut down because of the snow, at the fair price I was asking. Apparently I’m an awful person for nicely setting her straight after politely tolerating all her bullshit.

Naturally, the way she chose to handle this was by telling me it was my loss for not taking her much lower offer and that I didn’t have to be rude to her about it. Forget that she had been rude to me this entire time by giving me the run around when she had just made it clear to me that she had no intentions of buying the bed unless she could get it for a price that I already told her she could not buy it for. She even went as far as to tell me she was going to borrow money from someone to get the bed. So yes, you guys, I’m totally the rude one here, I admit it.

I figured since she decided I was rude anyway, I was going to actually be rude and tell her off, because one woman can only take so much of someone’s crap, and my limit was met after a month and a dozen or so emails that ended in her telling me off because I wouldn’t let her rip me off. I tactfully used the “iron fisted velvet glove” approach at telling her off, a tactic that has been patented throughout the generations by every good southern woman on God’s green earth. I told her it was not my loss that I refused to be ripped off by her, when she clearly could not afford what I was selling. I explained that I didn’t appreciate her giving me the run around when I had so clearly told her in the second email, a full month back, that I would not take the price she was offering me. I did not appreciate that she continued emailing and giving me the go round round as if she were actually going to purchase the bed at the asking price, with no intentions of buying the bed for any price but the one I told her I would not take. I pointed out how she had given me the run around by asking me if I would meet her with the bed, and also saying she didn’t know if she could fit the bed in her van, after both the measurements and the terms of the sale were stated in the ad, so neither should have been an issue. I ended in telling her that I didn’t appreciate her waiting three weeks to email me again, after leading me to believe she was going to get back to me about if the bed fit in her vehicle or not, only to have her start trying to get the bed for the price I told her I would not take all over again. I was looking for serious buyers only. To be nice, I even thanked her for wasting my time.

Then I turned her into Craigslist for spam and harassment, because Momma don’t play that game. This was directly after I blocked her email. I’ve tried to explain this repeatedly to an ex who wouldn’t step the back off and has deservingly earned himself the nickname Norman Bates. I’ve said it once, a thousand times, and I’ll say it again.

I’m a little like Taylor Swift in the way that I always get the last word.

When Poor Shipping Skills and Deficient Mail Carriers Meet

I am a fan of the Stupid Shipping Gang stories on The Consumerist. After ordering so much stuff online, it was only a matter of time before I had my own story. Folks, today was that day.

Before I even go there, on that long, ridiculous winding road, let’s back up to a story I told you about over a week ago. Zazzle shipped me a present for Aunt Bev. Lucky for me, the present ended up being super funny, because it was printed backwards. You couldn’t read any of the writing on it unless you were a student at M.I.T. or indefinitely cross-eyed. Aunt Bev is neither, so this posed a problem.

I contacted Zazzle, and the man on the phone (Kevin) proved to be funny and helpful. I liked him a lot and wondered if he was single, but since that’s not what this post is about, we’re not going to talk about that. I sent him a picture of the item and got an email saying that a replacement was being sent out and to expect it in a few days. That part was easy as pie. They were very good about simply sending me a new one without me having to send the old one back. What wasn’t so fantastic was that over a week went by and I hadn’t received the replacement. Seeing as they had given me no tracking number, nor did they tell me what courier they were sending the package by, I had no idea what was going on. I was just going to call them today when it arrived. It is printed correctly and is as fun as I thought it would be. The packing slip seemed to indicate that they charged me twice; once for the first item that was wrong, and for the replacement. They didn’t, but they way they had it written out looked like they had, so I had to spend time straightening that out.

Between a stupid printing error, not knowing what was going on with the replacement, and the confusion over if they charged me twice or not, I don’t know if I’d order from then again. Since this was a present, I was glad to have ordered it far enough ahead of time to account for two weeks worth of errors. If I had to have it for a certain day, I wouldn’t have. Then I didn’t know where the replacement was for over a week and assumed it had been lost or had run away from home. (You don’t know our neighbors. This is entirely possible.) I don’t know that I would reorder from Zazzle because, in my experience, they’re unreliable and don’t communicate what is going on with your package well. I even signed into my account online thinking that it would tell me more about what was happening with my replacement, but my online account showed no mention of replacement package and kept insisting I review the item. Furthermore, they kept sending me surveys about their customer service, and without having actually received a replacement at that point, I really didn’t now how to accurately rate their customer service. They have cute Grumpy Cat things, so I’m disappointed.

As for the Stupid Shipping Gang story, this one belongs to Kohl’s. To be fair, our specially handicapped substitute mail person also helped out on this one, so let’s give her a round of applause, because Lord knows she’s not going to get it for doing her job well. I cruised down to the mailbox today to, well, you can figure that out. The box wasn’t closed fully because there was a package in it that clearly didn’t fit. The reason I know this was the sub that delivered it was that any time a package or anything other than paper mail comes, our regular mail lady leaves it on the porch. Our sub will shove anything and everything into the box, even though common sense would dictate it doesn’t fit when you find yourself unable to close the box.

I was excited to see that the sponges I ordered from Groupon had arrived a day early. They were small and would be shipped in one of those plastic bags. Then I pulled it out and looked at the address label and didn’t know if I needed to be more angry at the mail lady for, once again, failing to properly do her job, or for Kohl’s for packing things poorly.

One thing I learned from Kohl’s today is that men clearly head their shipping department, because any woman would know that you can not simply put bras into one of those plastic shipping bags. Guys, take lessons. Bras can’t be crushed or it messes up the cups and they don’t fit right. In case you ever find yourself a career in packing, I will save you a complaint from a consumer. Put all bras in a box. Women will be all over you like yellow on a canary. That’s a whole lot of all over you. Not only that, guys, but this is clothing in a bag that can, and will, rip.

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I called Kohl’s immediately, and as soon as I told the lady what happened, she agreed they should not have been sent that way. She told me if there were any issues with the bras that I could return them in store and reorder bras at the same sale price I got them for originally. They, too, would likey ship in the same packaging. This made sense to someone, I’m sure.

Two of the bras were misshapen beyond wear-ability. One was snagged by whatever made the hole and it was causing it to bunch up since the part that was snagged was a silk like material. The other had the cup crushed, and though I had ordered more than one of the same bra, it did not fit no matter what I did. The cup was so deformed that it just kept warping. Now I have to make an unwanted trip to Kohl’s to get my money back since they inadequately packed my bras and the mail person decided to help ruin them. Just to give you an idea of just how much the bras did not fit in the mailbox, I have large bras and there were six of them in the bag. Two would have been a tight fit. Also, see the above picture and tell me if anyone who had common sense would think that would fit in a mailbox.

I have some more packages coming this week, such as the sponges I previously mentioned, and my cowboy boots which were sent outside of the time frame that I was told they’d be sent in. If they get here tomorrow like they’re supposed to, they would have gotten here rather quickly, so that’s a perk. My first subscription box from Pawalla shipped out today. Once it arrives, I will let you know all about it, pictures included.

Another Few Days. No One Said Anything Stupid to Me. This Is New.

I admittedly started this blog a few days ago and was too tired to post it, so I think we’re at the point where you’re going to get the three day update instead of one, since I have all the days written out as “today.” Every day I tried to blog so I wouldn’t forget anything, and then got too lazy to proofread. I say a three day update, because nothing exciting enough to blog about happened today, therefore, it will just be Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I will outline the days for you to make it easy. Like your mom.

Wednesday:

I had my appointment with the neuro-opthalmologist today. I didn’t know what to expect, but I found out that what they do to you is basically what I assume they do to prisoners in Gitmo. I don’t like my eyes messed with, and forget that puffy air thing they use to measure the pressure in your eye or check for glaucoma. I was horrified to find out there’s two machines that torture you by this method, both for different things. The staff at my eye doctor’s office often tells me I’m like Rachel from Friends when it comes to that. See: every time I go in there. I won’t go into details, but it took me three hours after my appointment to be able to actually see halfway decent again. I was stumbling everywhere, all confused like. I have a friend who also has a neuro-opthalmology appointment next month, and even though we haven’t talked for awhile, I still made sure to text him and let him know not to drive himself. I luckily didn’t, but it didn’t make the next three hours of my life any easier. I wouldn’t have been able to function alone, that’s how bad it was. I still can’t see right, but well enough, because obviously I’m typing this. Or maybe I’m dictating this to my dog and she’s typing it for me. You will never really know.

The good news is that my eyes are super healthy and there is no tumor behind my eyes. The bad news is that now we really have no idea why my brain thinks I have a tumor, so hearing I don’t actually have one brings up a mixed bag of emotions. The eye doctor feels this is autoimmune related, which is something that was brought up by my neurologist, but we needed to clear there being anything wrong with my eyes first. The first neurologist I saw was my headache specialist, and also a neurologist. I am going to be seeing my regular neurologist on Monday just for a second opinion, and then my autoimmune doctor and having a test done the following week. It’s moving slowly, but it’s moving.

Since I was gone today, that absolutely meant three of my packages would show up on my porch. It also meant that today was the day it would rain cats and dogs and penetrate through the screen and onto the porch. Luckily, we got home before anything got too wet and ruined. Unfortunately, today’s packages weren’t all they were cracked up to me.

My mom had this wonderful pair of ballet slippers that I had bought for her at Target awhile back. She uses them to clean in for her business, and she loves them. Naturally that means we couldn’t find them again in store. After scouring the internet, we found a pair that was, online, described to be exactly like her shoes. We compared them by looks and specifications, and they looked and sounded to be exactly the same. They even came in a little bag like my mom’s had. They did look like they were suede and possibly softer than her rubber textile ones, but I read everything carefully and nowhere did it say that they were suede. In fact, the description says Camelia Ballet Slipper online and, tell the truth, have you ever seen a suede ballet slipper?

We got them in the mail and, of course, they were suede and cheaply made and really crappy compared to the ones she has. To boot, on the packing slip they were described as Camelia Suede Slipper, which is different from anything it said online. Basically, the website was misleading, but they are definitely the same whatever they are. You sure as heck couldn’t wear them outside of the house. Now I have to take them back, and I still can’t find the kind my mom has. At least I can return them to the store and not have to worry about shipping them back. We’ll see how that actually translates in real life.

Next up was Greta’s dog bed. I had talked about this in an earlier post, but I had bought her a size down from the dog bed I had so loved. Even though it’s just one size down, it looks about four sizes down. I wasn’t sure if she was going to fit on it, but it’s bigger than I give it credit for and she already has fallen head over tail in love with it. I was concerned it was going to have to be sent back, but crisis averted.

The last package was a present for Aunt Bev, dog treats, and a pair of cowboy boots I ordered off of Amazon. Everything was fine, except for the cowboy boots.  They fit fine, they just don’t look at all like they do in the picture. In fact, they’re not cowboy boots at all, even though they’re listed as them, and they’re kind of heavy and clunky. Now, before you say anything, I realize I ordered a cheap pair and they weren’t going to be authentic. I got that, but that’s not the case here. That I could live with. The fact that they’re far from cowboy boots is the issue. They’re cute, but I want cowboy boots, not regular boots, so now I have to return those as well. I’m bummed out that they didn’t look like the picture, but that happens. I guess I’m going to have to go on ahead and realize that ordering shoes offline is just not my forte.

On another note, if you are walking past a halfway house that you didn’t know was there, and some ghetto white kid starts making comments at you and saying hi to you, you turn around and say hi, and then keep walking briskly ahead. If you don’t, that white dude may chase you down asking you why you buggin and being rude. It’s not worth it. You say hi, he’s happy and astounded, and you keep walking. It’s a win / win for everyone. I tell you this from experience.

Thursday:

You guys, I got so much done today, and I think I regret it a little. I haven’t slept so well in years as I did last night, probably because of all the eye tests from yesterday making me wonky. I woke up much earlier than I thought I was going to and felt pretty good, so I made the stupid decision to step out and get a few things done. Okay, that’s actually not true. Some jackwagon decided to burn pine trees on a Thursday. Burning on any day but two hours on Saturday is illegal here, and burning any kind of rubbish or trees is strictly prohibited, so this person was just a jerk. It would have been forgivable had the smoke and smell not been so bad that, even with the windows closed, I was getting a migraine and was chased out of my own home. I didn’t get a choice but to go find something to do, so thank goodness I felt fairly well.

The one thing I knew is that I wanted to find another pair of cowboy boots that I actually liked…and were actually cowboy boots. My mom, who tries to save money on everything, encouraged me to go spend money on a good, authentic pair of boots this time that are made of real leather, and they will last and also have padding in them, whereas the cheap ones don’t. Now, I know this from when I was a kid. I grew up in authentic cowboy boots on the back of a horse. Now I only wear them for style purposes, so I didn’t see a need to spend all that money, but I went through a cheap pair in a year, so I knew she had a point. There was a pair that I was eying online, but didn’t want to spend the money for them. I found a good deal on them online with a coupon that I had for that particular retailer. I was afraid to order them knowing that Laredo boots used to run small. I had no idea what size I would wear and didn’t want to deal with returns. I had also learned that ordering shoes online was not my forte the previous day, and it still may not be. With not a lot to do, I set out to the local tack shop to see if I could find a pair that I liked better, or at least try out a pair of Laredo boots for sizing purposes.

When I got there, I was surprised at their selection, disappointed that not only did they not have my boots, but they didn’t even have Laredos, happy with the friendliness and helpfulness of the staff, but appalled by the markup on their boots. I had been searching for my dreams boots that I probably couldn’t afford for awhile, and in finding my perfect pair that I initially wasn’t going to buy, memorized a lot of prices for other ones I liked. Every single pair was at least $50 more at their store than I could find them online, so I immediately knew I wouldn’t be buying there. With no Laredos to be had, I left, but not after petting their adorable dog on the way out.

As a woman on no mission, without a plan, I decided to find this dog treat bakery that I had been wanting to find for the longest time. It’s was in the same area where I found myself, in a local town that is small and difficult to park in and navigate. I pulled Google Maps up on my phone, let it find my location, and found my way via that. I was happy to learn that the place I needed to go was actually in a small shopping center on the way out of town, and it had its own parking. I was so delighted by this place and got so excited over my finds that I became incredibly bummed out that I couldn’t text my dog and tell her about all the cool things I bought her. The place was well priced and I will be going back there for the owner’s dog’s birthday party next month with Greta so that she can get a free piece of doggy birthday cake and a treat bag. I’ve never seen her like any treats better, and this little girl loves her treats.

Since I was near the mall, I decided to pop into one of the stores that I knew sometimes sold Laredo boots just to try them on. They were a discount clearance store, so I knew that they wouldn’t have the pair that I wanted, since they were new. I had success when I popped in, tried them on, found my size in that brand, got excited, and decided to order the pair of boots of my dreams with my coupon. When I was online last night, I saw there were only three pairs left, so I used my phone to snatch a pair up. (Since I’m proofing this on Saturday, I just want to give you all a warning. I ordered from Country Outfitter after hearing so many good things about them. They said the boots would ship in 24 hours. It still has the ship date between the 11th and the 12th. It’s been more than forty eight hours and they haven’t shipped, so their shipping time is a lie. I’m actually considering canceling my order, because I’ve become leery of them. I don’t care if it takes stuff awhile to ship, but when it is past the days you’re still telling me it’s going to ship between and they haven’t shipped, that seems shady. I’ll keep you all updated, but please be warned.)

I made an impromptu stop to grocery shop, and then, having remembered the ballet slippers I needed to return to Target, swung by there. When I took them up to the cashier and explained that the website said one thing and the packing slip another, the lady just shook her head. She took them out of the box, said they seemed really gross for a pair of shoes since they were suede and would easily fall apart if you wore them outside of the house, and then returned them with no issue. Though I doubt I’d order off of Target again because of their inaccurate descriptions and inability to tell me anything has shipped (Which I hope is what’s going on with my boots.), I may do so on something I can’t find in store knowing that in-store returns are easy and stress free. I go to Target a lot anyway, and if I’m not going there, I’m in the area of one, so it doesn’t take much for me to stop in and return something. It’s much easier than dealing with sending it back.

Once I got home, my mom’s pillows came that I had ordered on Groupon. I made her go get the package from the UPS man, and then stood there and acted dumbfounded when she handed me the package, stating that it had her name on it. She was a little weirded out and insisted she hadn’t ordered anything, but she opened it and was thrilled with her pillows. Those definitely won’t be going back, which is a score. I didn’t think I’d have to send anything back, and I still have things coming, so here’s hoping there’s no other issues.

Friday:

Before I even got up this morning, I knew I was in for it and going to be pushed to my boundaries and past what I reasonably thought I could do. When I originally planned this day, I only had a hair appointment. Yesterday,  I made some calls to try and get a few things done, and suddenly I had three appointments and a trip to UPS. It was eight am and I was already thinking this was going to be a fail.

I’m not a morning person, so a 9:15 appointment at the orthodontist seemed like my own personal version of Hell. I went anyway, mostly because I needed more wax and it was free there. Two of my teeth are in a position where the brackets are just killing my lip, and then I had three wires that decided to pop way out. The good news about that is it means that my teeth are already really moving. In fact, the lady at the office was fairly certain that I may not have to have my braces on near as long as we thought, because my teeth seem to be moving unbelievably well and fast. I’ve only had my braces since Monday, and one of my teeth that was really out of place is almost straight already. Fingers crossed.

I got out of the orthodontist around 9:30. My hair appointment was at 10:45. The place I had to go was only twenty minutes away, but I had to stop at UPS on the way to return those boots, I hadn’t eaten, I had forgotten something at home, and I was going to park at one of my mom’s client’s houses and walk the half mile to my appointment, because street parking was tough in the town I was going to and I had to pay. Plus, my doctors tell me to walk every day to help with my migraines, so it seemed like a solid plan.

I pretty much had no idea how to time any of this, so I did what any reasonable human being would do and got a donut from Dunkin’ Donuts across the street from my orthodontist. Actually, I bought two, because I was going to see my mom when I parked at her client’s house, since she was working there that day, and knew she’d be hungry. My mom is completely food oriented. Every time you see her, she’s asking if you have food or if you’re going to eat that, whatever that is. I figured I’d save myself the trouble.

My house is centralized between the orthodontist and the salon. UPS is a mile from my house and on the way home from where I was. I went to UPS first, because I had the super gigantic box that the boots were sent in and nothing else to put the boots back in, because they were too big to fit in any of the other boxes I had. There were other things that came with the boots  that caused the box to have to be that huge, but I was afraid UPS would tell me that the box was too big for just the boots and it would turn into a debacle. I ended up getting an amazing lady who was all, “Guuuurl, we ain’t making a big deal out of this. I’ll tape this up and you’ll be on your way.” I love her.

I stopped at home, ate my donut, picked up what I forgot and headed to my mom’s client’s house. What I forgot at home was her address and directions to her house, so yeah, I was on a roll that day. I got parked and made it to my hair appointment in perfect timing, so that worked out. There’s a hairstyle I’ve wanted to try since I first started dying my hair from black, my natural hair color, to blonde back in January. I couldn’t get my hair light enough the first time and promised myself I wouldn’t try the haircut until I could. This time, I was able to get my hair light enough and went for a drastic change with the cut. People wouldn’t even recognize me, which means a lot of shenanigans are going to ensue and I’m going to take advantage of that as best as I can. Get ready for some stories. To see the change for yourself, let me share some pictures.

This was my hair prior to starting to dye it blonde. The reason I wanted to go blonde is that I needed a change. You all know I went through the breakup from Hell last year, and I just needed something drastically different. I also was hoping it would help me look more my age, since I’m often mistaken for a high school student on a regular basis.

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This was my hair after I had it dyed blonde in January. It was a dark golden blonde and showed lighter in the sun. I loved the color so much, but I decided that I wanted to go all the way with a drastically different color and cut. The lighter color helped me look older, but I still looked pretty young. Note: I’m 27.

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This is the final after. My inspiration for the haircut was Ashley Benson. I fell in love with the cut, didn’t think I could pull it off, and finally decided that I’m only young once and it’s just hair. I had nothing to lose.

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I am really happy with it, and I think I look more my age. I look drastically different than I did last year and I’m excited to start sneaking up on people and confusing them.

My hair appointment took three hours, and immediately after I started doing blonde things. I left my magazine at the salon and had to go back. I chose not to walk back, because walking there is downhill and a piece of cake. Walking back made me want to nap on the sidewalk, because that hill was steeper than I gave it credit for. Also, it was raining. I then left my sunglasses at my mom’s client’s house. I had to text my mom and have her bring them home. Then I got sick, which was kind of a blonde issue since I had over scheduled my entire month, my week had been hell, and that day was already more than I could handle in the health position I’m in. I still wasn’t done with my day.

My mom’s cat, who is fourteen pounds and old, hurt her leg running around the house like a kitten that weighs five pounds. Ironically, her name is Pie. I had to take her to the vet. She’s fine. She made it through it like a trooper. I fought to stay awake through the whole thing. I’m now out $155 for my mom’s cat, and I’ll never see that money, but as long as the cat is okay, that’s all that counts. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. If I asked my mom to take my cat to the vet, she’d demand the money up front. It’s all about the cat. It’s all about the cat…

How Does This Even Happen, Zazzle?

I wanted to be so dazzled with Zazzle. I had heard such good things about them in the past and was excited to try them. I had found the perfect mouse pad for Aunt Bev for her birthday. Her cat loves to run across her keyboard, often helping her when she emails me, and she uses her desk as mouse pad, so when I found a mouse pad that had a cat sticking its head in front of the computer saying, “You are not paying attention to me. This is unacceptable,,” I practically thought fate had fallen upon me. When there was a sale and I could get free shipping on Zazzle, I knew it was meant to be. Only, this happened.

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No, I didn’t take a picture and flip it around. This is what I received. This has to be one of the stupidest, albeit, funniest mistakes I’ve ever seen. How does this even happen? Where is the quality control? If, by chance, it managed to slip through all of those people who should be making sure this doesn’t happen, how does the person packing it not notice this? I only ordered one item. They would have had to have looked at it to put it in the box. I feel like they saw it and were like, eh, I don’t get paid enough to care.

I called costumer service and was told to send them a picture. They’ve been really good about things. They’re going to send me a replacement without making me have to send this one back, however, I bought this as a gift. Had I not bought this so far in advance, I’d have no mouse pad. The replacement process is apparently tricky and lengthy. I have to wait for the returns department to approve it, and then they’ll ship another one. By the time this is all said and done, I will have had a good month between ordering this and getting a non-defective one.

And I have to hope the new one is right. I’ve seen a lot of weird and dumb mistakes from companies with shipping and have gotten them resolved. Though Zazzle is being good about this, I don’t think I’d order from them again. This is such a ridiculous mistake and the product should have never even made it to the shipping warehouse, forget getting shipped out. I’m just really grateful that I ordered this well in advance or I’d be out a present. Has anyone ever had a similar experience with Zazzle?

This was how my day started out on Monday, and it just kind of got more stupid from there. This was just a preset for my day, warning me of how it was going to go. I should have listened. My day thought it was funny, and it kind of was, but I don’t want it to know that.

Because I’m apparently not nerdy enough, I had to get braces. That’s kind of funny in itself, considering I am twenty-seven. And they’re not so bad, because I got the ceramic ones and you can barely see them. See?

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That was the good part. The bad part was that everything we tried to do, my gums weren’t having, because my autoimmune issues cause them to swell and be very sensitive. Therefore, the price I thought I was going to pay and the price I had to pay to get around my gum issues were significantly different. I feel a little Grumpy Cat about that.

After that, I went to Target. This should have been an in, out and wham, bam, thank you ma’am kind of situation. But it’s me, so it wasn’t. In my buggy, I had a lot of cat food, dog food and cat litter, along with a few smaller items. I knew what my total should be, and what my total was wasn’t it. I decided to go out to the car and go over everything. As I was unloading my buggy, I found an item not in a bag. Yep, it was hiding within things and I forgot to pay for it. I was just getting ready to go back in and pay for it when I saw that I hadn’t been charged for something else I had bought. It somehow hadn’t gotten scanned by the cashier. I went inside, explained the predicament, paid and went back out to my car.

That should have been the end of it…for most people. This is me. That wasn’t the end of it. Now, instead of paying less than I knew I needed to pay, now I had oddly paid a few dollars more. I poured back over my receipt and saw that there was some strange charge for wet dog food. That was about the only thing I hadn’t bought. Then it hit me. I had bought a variety pack for my dogs that had wet dog food in it. That was the one thing that didn’t get scanned and I had to go back in and pay for. The cashier did scan it, but somehow, through the packaging, it targeted the wet dog food instead of the actual bar code and rung it up. So, you guessed it, I had to go back in and get a refund for the wet dog food since I had gone in earlier and paid for the variety pack. It took me over an hour just to get out of Target.

I was just happy to make it through Monday.

Tomorrow is going to be a whole new story. I have my appointment with the neuro-opthalmologist to determine if I have a tumor behind my eye that isn’t showing up on the MRI and is causing the pressure in my brain. We know my brain thinks it has a tumor, but we don’t know why. Nothing has shown up on the MRI. Tomorrow I will know if that is a legitimate option. If there’s no tumor, this will definitely rule it out, and then we get to figure out why my brain insists there is and get the pressure off my brain. We’re moving forward.

Look What Drunk Me Bought Sober Me!

A lot of strange, uncalled for things happen when you’re sick, stuck at home, and only get out for appointments. Which, coincidentally, I am bombarded with to the point of not being able to function this month. You have to entertain yourself. Let’s not even get into how I ended up making my friend into a meme and didn’t tell him and just skip to the chase. One of those things is that you become responsible for seventy percent of all words written in your Camp Nanowrimo cabin, so you know, go me. The other is that you discover online shopping. Yes, folks, I shouldn’t have done this.

In my defense, I’ve done some online shopping before. Most of it has been on Amazon, and I’m an old pro at that. One time it was on Soap.com. Oh, and then there was Terry’s Village. I think that has been my extent into this phenomena. The kind of online shopping I’ve been doing has nothing to do with that kind of shopping, because, folks, I’ve discovered Groupon. Oh, yes, I have. Now, I knew about it, and I bought my mom a Groupon for a massage for Christmas. I didn’t, however, know they sold goods. I happened to be in the market for several goods, cheap. I had saved up the money to be able to afford said goods, so when I found out that Groupon provided some of those goods, I was elated. The reality of what happened is that I’m awaiting a phone call from my credit card company asking me if drunk me was buying sober me presents, and I don’t even drink.

To be fair, not all of the stuff I bought was on Groupon. I had an order from Amazon, that somehow shipped as two orders, one from Zazzle, Kohls, and another from Living Social, which then led me to Pawalla, but we’re not talking about any of those. Those don’t make my credit card company wonder if drunk me is buying sober me presents. Groupon does.

I only got one package from Groupon so far, but I didn’t start ordering until Wednesday of last week, and I had this package by Friday. When things start rolling in, I’m going to do some write ups about the stuff. I didn’t buy anything that I didn’t need, wouldn’t use on a regular basis, or wasn’t a present for someone else where a present was needed, but guys, the UPS guy and our mail person are going to hate me. It’s okay, because our one mail person is a total jerk anyway. Let me Kanye myself and tell you all a story.

Once upon a time, last December ago, I ordered a few things for Christmas presents. My friend had also sent me something. All of these things could be ruined if left out in the weather and the boxes got wet, and all decided to arrive the same day. Now, we have a gigantic built in porch where packages can, and have gone every single time we’ve gotten one that hasn’t fit into our mailbox for the sixteen years we’ve lived here. After all, the logical thing to do is toss it on the porch, right? Not if you’re our one mail person. Our regular mail person is fantastic, but our secondary is obviously just a few ducks short of a full row. It doesn’t surprise me, since we have arguably the worst postmaster ever, but I digress.

What did the secondary do that was so dumb? She left the packages right out in front of the garage where everyone could see them, in a flower pot that was and had been filled with water since it’s cement and we can’t tip it to drain it, in the middle of a horrible storm with wind and rain. The packages were under three pounds and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that water will ruin cardboard, ergo ruining the things inside of it. Then again, maybe if you’re this lady it does. Luckily, sellers must be prepared for this, because the items were also inside of plastic bags inside of the boxes, or otherwise they would have been ruined since the boxes were drowning in a sea of pathetic. The secondary also left our mail outside in the rain. To this day we don’t know if we got all our mail since it was so windy, and what we did get we couldn’t read.

When I launched a complaint with the postmaster, she said she was siding with the sub because the sub said there was a large over hang on our garage that she left it under. I told the postmaster that I welcomed her to come to our house and see that it does not exist. Not only that, but who leaves packages right out in front of someone’s house where anyone can come and snatch them up? No one but Antoine Dodson, that’s who. I ended up having to go above our postmaster’s head. I hate doing that, but I’d actually like to get the stuff I ordered and it was clear the secondary just didn’t give a hoot. My Aunt Bev, who was a postal worker for thirty years, agrees that I’m not a jerk and should have reported it.

Anyway, that’s not the point of all of this. The point is, I ordered stuff and I’m going to tell you all about it, whether you want to hear about it or not. Actually, that’s not true. You can opt not to read it. The reason I’m doing this is because I know it’s hard to order something off of Groupon. If you’re like me, you just order things that you’ve already seen in stores or things that are foolproof. I was going to buy the things I needed in store, but Groupon had such great deals that I couldn’t pass them up. There’s a few things I wonder about and others that they can’t screw up. But for the things you wonder about, let me share my experiences.

We have a dog named Leo. Leo is around one hundred pounds and is older, so he can’t get up and down off the bed and furniture like he used to. We had been looking for an orthopedic bed for him for some time. His joints are giving him issues when he sleeps on the floor, and as any animal person knows, you will spend ridiculous amounts of money to make your animal happy while being devoid of a pillow that doesn’t hurt your neck. Just saying. If any of you have tried to shop for orthopedic beds, you know they’re extremely expensive. If any of you have tried shopping for them for an extra, super large dog, you know you can break the bank trying to buy one.

I have no idea how I ended up on Groupon goods. I think I was being all herpa derpa and just realized there were Groupon goods and wanted to check them out. The previous day I had gone searching for a good orthopedic bed for him in stores to no avail. That’s when I saw it. It was the bed of his dreams, or at least I assumed it would be by the picture, but who can rely on those? Groupon goods had an orthopedic bed for an extra large dog on sale for $42 and some change with shipping included. All the beds I looked at for a dog his size were well over a hundred dollars. I looked at the measurements, did my homework on Amazon by reading reviews, and decided to order the bed. With all of that combined with how comfortable it looked, it seemed like the right thing to do. I mean, just look at this thing. (Note: This is not my dog. it’s the stock photo used on Groupon, though I wouldn’t be upset if this was my dog. He / she / it / hermaphrodite is a cute dog.)

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I’m not good with the unknown, so I was driven nuts by buying something I couldn’t see, touch and possibly smell, if I so pleased, first. I was also worried because I had ordered a different color, which wasn’t shown online. I knew my dog was colorblind, so I doubted it mattered, but what if it looked like something a pigeon puked up and I had to look at it everyday? I was afraid I was going to go insane until it got here, and it even got here in a hurry. I had it less than forty eight hours later. When the UPS man dropped it off and I saw the package, panic immediately set it. This clearly couldn’t be what I ordered, because this is the package it came in.

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As soon as I saw it, I immediately had buyer’s remorse and was wondering how difficult Groupon was going to be about returning it. I carefully opened it as not to ruin the packaging or anything inside, already knowing I was going to have to send it back, because there’s no way this could be the bed I ordered. What happened? Where did I go wrong? How did I do all this research and obviously misread what they were selling?

Already Grumpy Cat the human over this, imagine my shock when I peeled back the bag to reveal that the bed was actually packed in a vacuumed sealed bag? I was wondering how they were going to ship this thing and not spend a fortune on shipping, since shipping had been free. I cut open the seal and that sucker popped out like a freakin Jack-In-a-Box when you’re young and don’t realize that thing is actually a device made to force children to pee their pants. I was worried about the quality of it since it had been packed like that, until I set it down on our very hard kitchen floor, laid down on it to try it out, and promptly fell asleep. What I’m saying here is that my dogs think I’m a moron for sleeping on their bed. They may not be able to say it, but their faces said it all.

We had a few false starts with the bed. Helena, the dog we did not buy it for, thought you slept on it like this.

photo 2This isn’t right.

Then, once Helena left, Leo thought you slept on it like this.

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Finally, and I do stress the finally, he got it. Now, he doesn’t sleep anywhere but the bed, and when he gets up, he’s not sore anymore. This was easily the best purchase I’ve ever made, especially factoring in all the money I saved. My only regret was that I didn’t get one for Greta, who doesn’t like the memory foam in my bed and now sleeps on the floor. Because she’s my baby, I feel bad she sleeps on the floor. I went back to Groupon, but they were sold out. Then, as if the heavens opened, I happened to be looking for something else later that night when I saw that they had them again. I went ahead and ordered her the smaller size for only thirty dollars, since this sucker is so big that it fits Leo and Helena. That’s over 150 pounds of dog. It’s a huge bed. I can’t wait to get Greta’s!